How I Came Out of My Valley

Some experiences, moments and seasons of life aren’t meant to be shared with others in depth. There are those that are simply necessary to be felt, to be endured, and to be overcome by you. Not everything can be explained.

I wanted to adequately describe my latest “Valley Experience”. I wanted to provide the next woman who finds herself in the valley with ways to help deal with how she felt. I wanted to be able to equip her with instructions on how to come out better than when she went in. I wanted to provide ways to help her pass the time. But what I realize is that the feelings must be addressed per personal experience and cannot be ignored and time cannot just be passed. She must endure for however long just as I did. That is not something you can teach. That is something we have to choose.

In the valley is where you grow but that growth isn’t always apparent immediately. I’m still not sure I fully understand how I’ve grown from my experience yet. What I am able to share is that I felt three very real emotions during these past few months in ways I hadn’t in quite some time, if ever.

First I felt low.

As a woman I’ve felt low before so it’s not a new feeling. Only this time it wasn’t due to heartbreak or some disrespectful comment made about my appearance or a condescending remark regarding my capabilities and achievements or lack thereof. I felt low as in helpless. I was far away from any hope of overcoming my insecurities. Weak in spirit is what I was. That pretty much sums it up.  I was trying to rely on my insufficient ability to lift myself up by means of coercion and tension.  There was no progress being made. If anything I felt lower and lower until I realized that I had to embrace those insecure moments if I were to ever rise above them. This is no quick fix. It calls for intentional efforts continuously.

What I felt the more frequently was lost.

Constantly, asking myself, how did I get here? There wasn’t any one incident in particular I could recall that brought me to this place. But I was there and I had no clear direction on how to get out. So I stopped trying. It’s as if I set up tent and accepted that this was my home for a while. Though not a physical place literally, mentally I was in the valley and my mind needed resting. My heart needed settling. I didn’t panic no matter how hard it got and there were times when I thought I wouldn’t make it. I was able to find comfort in knowing that this experience was a part of my journey. I was reminded that what the Lord commands he enables. This may have single handily kept me in an operable mental space. Sounds dramatic huh? Well valley experiences can be just that surreal. Your mental health requires examinations just as much as your physical health does. As women of color I hope we begin to realize the importance of this.

Lastly, I felt unloved.

This was hard to realize. Once I did what I had to accept was that this feeling of being unloved was a lie that I told myself way too often. If we tell ourselves anything long enough we’ll believe it without a doubt soon enough. But who didn’t love me, and why not? Jesus loves me. My family loves me. I have dear friends that love me. The truth was I just didn’t like me. Like and love are not the same but because I was unaware of how much I didn’t like who I was, it felt as if I was not loved at all. I didn’t like how I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of and almost bullied in some situations, simply because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. I didn’t like how I was shrinking when I should’ve stood tall. I didn’t like how those who so called knew me best were treating me as if they didn’t and I said nothing. The truth is that people prefer to use your less than appealing moments to infer that they know you so well.  I didn’t like how I was just being a wimp in life because that I am not. I resented myself for all those reasons.

I came out of this experience what seems like suddenly but it was anything but. I cried every single day for a few months. I do cry easily but these were tears of desperation. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted the pressure to be lifted and the anxiety to go away! Instead I remained  present. There were days when nothing made sense. Those around me were being used in ways they clearly were unaware of but nevertheless they triggered things in me I still cannot explain. God knows.

What I often see is so many women looking for guidance on how to live their individual lives. As if a generic step-by-step guide is enough. No one wants to feel, endure and overcome these uncomfortable, inexplicable experiences regardless of how unavoidable they are.

But I’m here to reassure you that the time you spend present in the valley will reveal to you things about yourself that no mountaintop can.

B

 

 

Growing in Comfort Zones

 

As I prepare for an annual two week work trip to India that always humbles me in all things life, I wanted to be sure I got my weekly affirmation in and encouraged you all to do the same. I will be taking a much needed social media hiatus while away in order to clear up some mental space. In preparing for this I began to self-evaluate areas of growth.

I am not one who seeks out change very much. I like what I like and I do not take the time to adventure out into the unknown. If I do not feel as though I do something well enough I will not attempt it. But how do I know if I don’t even try? I don’t. However, in my latest self evaluation I realized that I get out of my comfort zone more than I give myself credit for. While I may not find ways to try new things on my own very often, I am a darn good cheerleader for others! As I began to think about how I’ve grown and how others are growing while exercising courage unknowingly despite their apprehension to get out of their comfort zone, a  highlight reel of times I’ve been able to do so by supporting someone else came to mind.

For example, a few years ago one of the most artistic women I know and friend of mine Tiffany Kowalski invited me to be a part of a project she was working on for her photography business that focused on natural hair. So, yes while I was nervous, very self-conscious and lost in this entire process I agreed. I mean who doesn’t love a good photo and plus good cheerleaders don’t miss the opportunity to cheer!

While on the subject it is confession time. One thing you all should know about me is that I have a love/hate relationship with pictures. Love them because I never want to miss a moment of joy, love, beauty. Hate because for me I just cannot get it right. This is why I have not posted very many on this blog. I’m unnecessarily critical of myself. Not because I have low self-esteem or don’t find myself to be beautiful because I do. I just do the most with pictures. It is ridiculous and tiring to be honest. I apologize for that because I do understand the importance of aesthetics in this blogging arena. I will do better. Operation “Get out of Comfort Zone” to commence. Wait for it.

Ok, fast forward to the day of the photoshoot. The vision had been stated, outfit picked out and 2 day wash-n-go was poppin! Listen, I had forgotten all about how uncomfortable I was initially with this entire idea. I was just having fun with my friend being supportive. Naturally.  All my awkwardness went out the window; I was not trying to have the perfect smile. My imperfect skin was not a factor. The sun was shining and the colors on the building were vibrant enough to brighten anyone’s day. Tiffany was working on her craft and I was stepping outside my comfort zone.

We all have different goals we want to reach, a dream we want to see to fruition and desires we hope to fulfill. This will require us to get out of our comfort zones for sure. Until I get to that space fully I have some pretty creative people in my life who bring me into their world which in return allows me to be my most authentic self. Cheering!  I am glad that I am someone who is willing to support others in their endeavors even if it means being uncomfortable. It always ends up being to my benefit.

Maybe you are like me and aren’t really good about trying new things that you’re not very confident in or wouldn’t even think of doing. I bet that there is someone in your world who is involved in something that you can support. Kill two birds with one stone and just when you think that nothing grows in a comfort zone you’ll realize that to be untrue. Who said the comfort zone had to be yours!

Weekly Affirmation:
“I will step out of my comfort zone and support others. I will embrace new opportunities to grow”

 

B

Btween Us| Lessons in Self-Love

When it comes to love we all have our definitions. It is perceived differently from person to person. That makes it very difficult to speak on it without inserting your own experiences. Yet, what other place can someone speak to a situation from??  Experience drives perception. And if you’ve read any of my posts you know what I’m going to say next. It’s all perspective.

Relationships are hard off top. You have two imperfect people who come together at different times in their lives from different backgrounds with different experiences and expectations. All these differences are communicated and interpreted throughout the life of that relationship and so much can happen as feelings develop. From first dates to talks of marriage and in between is when boundaries are established and crossed, expectations are set and left unmet. It is during these times love is tested, strengthened and sometimes abandoned. Yet, an abandoned love does not equate to failure. It may be the absolute strongest test of faith to walk away from something and someone you once believed in. To surrender the life you envisioned with someone for one that no longer involves them.

As I write this I find myself reflecting on a time as a young twenty-something fighting for a love that was anything but and at the same time today a thirty-something woman fighting with someone for a love we won’t let die. Let’s be clear it is not because there hasn’t been sufficient enough reason for both of us to walk away. In both instances my feelings were real no matter how unrealistic my expectations were in my 20’s or how uncompromising they are today. The difference is growth and intentions.

Growth– Over time I began to understand how imperfect I am regardless of how good of a woman I consider myself to be. I also realize that I am always in control of what I choose to accept and choose not to accept.

Intentions– I chose to enter every relationship after that twenty-something heartbreak with the intentions that I will be who I am because it is simply who I am and not because I want it to persuade a man to treat me a certain way.

I can say without a doubt I have no regrets in how my past relationships have ended and do not feel like I’ve given something to someone that wasn’t deserved. That is a mindset that leaves so many women bitter whether they realize it or not. Of course it wasn’t deserved. However, it was not because they were unworthy necessarily but because I was giving more than I should have to that person to begin with. It is so easy to pour into a relationship prematurely because we do not want to be alone, or we have this idea of what our lives should look like or we’re just soul-tied to another person we have no business being with. It isn’t only about that person not deserving us, it is far more complex than that. This is a hard truth but one I always return to.

I prefer to look at my relationship now not so much in a measurement of worthiness rather in a realistic approach and sound decision making of whether or not it is worth it?? Is he worth it? Am I worth it? Are we worth the fight, patience, forgiveness, and most of all the restoration when we reach a breaking point?  There is a difference between someone being worthy and someone being worth it. In many ways I may not be worthy at times because I fall short of even of my own expectations. I’ve done some crazy things I’m not afraid to admit that. Still I’ll always be worth it and maybe that alone makes me worthy. This is how I approach love. Until it is no longer worth it I’ll fight. When it no longer makes sense I’ll let it go. I’ve grown in so many ways from heartbreak and failed relationships that had I not experienced those times, my life could look very different in the worst way. How do I know? Well, there have been plenty of times when I could’ve played the victim and allowed that to weaken me or I could choose to grow up. That meant  acknowledging the part I played and also accepting my responsibility to forgive and move on. In doing so I chose to retain my power for future relationships.

Women have so much power in a relationship. It will go how you set the tone for it to go. This isn’t saying they’ll be pain free but however much you want to invest and endure is up to you. Not anyone else. You cannot be ashamed of what may transpire even if it causes you shame. It’s a journey and love is a journey meant to build. So many women find themselves in a battle between maintaining self – love and loving a man. As if one has to compromise the other. Self-love is not how much you choose not to endure primarily. In fact self-love today is not what women need to be taught. Self-love is what the human race does the best. Whatever self we are at any given season of life is the self we’re going to love and choose every single time. No matter how ugly, or beautiful, broken or put together it may be inside and out. We love ourselves we just need to be better lovers.

Self-love also is not determined based on allowing others to dictate whether or not you’ve forgiven your ex enough times or what a date should consist of. Self-love is more than stating what you’re worth it is also being able to provide that same level of passion, support and whatever else you require for yourself to your significant other. Self-love will require you to be vulnerable but that doesn’t mean you’re naive. It will require of you to keep to yourself the struggles you’ve experienced in your relationship because you are sacrificing and enduring. Those two concepts do not go over well in today’s culture. People’s “fallback” games are too strong. Self-love always chooses to love. But love is not always who you want it to be yet it is indeed always who you need if you’ll be open to the lesson.

When it comes to love you set the boundary. You push the line back or erase it. That is done on your own terms. Each relationship has to be nurtured from where it is at that time in order to get to the next level of difficulty because they only get harder. Love is realizing it isn’t something to run from or to ever feel as if it is not worth another try. My twenty-something relationship was the hardest one ever not because that person was “the one” and it failed but because I had to learn by continual testing that I was in complete control yet I relinquished it over and over.  I was not blinded by love. I was foolish. Instead of accepting that person for who he was I thought I could do something to make him better. I thought like most women do, that I could love him enough to make him be better towards me and himself for that matter in order to save our relationship. I could not.

Whatever growth he experienced during our relationship was still his decision. My influence was just that. Influence! He owes me nothing. Too many women look to take credit for the maturity of a man. I am glad that my suffering emotionally and growing pains helped another soul mature in any way. Fast forward to the time when this person matured to the point he was ready to give me an apology, I had already accepted my own contribution to my unhappiness during that season. I had already forgiven him and moved on because I realized he wasn’t my forever. As soon as I did that as a result I was choosing a love that at the time I hadn’t even experienced yet and maybe still haven’t. Who knows? But what I do know is that it was a lesson not a loss. I can’t lose who was never meant to be mine. I restored my faith in love and got through the heartbreak becoming a better self.

I cheered at the thought that one day this person may be able to find his forever. Thirty-something Brooke’s definition of love was defined by twenty-something Brooke’s refusal to accept that just because I was a good woman to the wrong man that I was no longer worth the fight. Like most women I’ve been through it behind a man more times than I’d like to admit. So I can relate! TRUST ME!! I’ve felt taken for granted and unappreciated. I’ve had to deal with other women and I battled insecurities. There is this stigma against women who are pouring into someone all that they have and it appears that it may be all for nothing. I do not have the answer to that. What I am willing to do is speak back into you the courage required to love again after heartbreak steals it from you.  It may be courage to reconcile with an ex or start a brand new journey with someone else or even to be single for a while.

Whatever your situation I hope you all will never stop fighting for love after loss! Restoration is just a new birth towards forever so allow the past to prepare you for the future. Your better self-love waits…..

B

PSA | Planning Progress and Pressure

 

The past few weeks have been a blur for me. I have not gotten any type of routine down after moving out of my apartment of seven years. Although I have more space in my new home I still have not designated a “reflection area”. This is an issue for me because I produce best when I’m in my zone.  I’m easily distracted to say the least. Therefore, I must be separated from the noise. If I could improve in one area of my life it would definitely be my ability to “cancel out the noise”. Not just the volume of the television or music being played, but all the thoughts I am trying to process at one time. What I need to do at home, why I need to do it, rehearsing how I’m going to address someone, trying to determine how I’ll get all my  work done etc. Too many tabs are open at one time as they are for the majority of us women today irrespective of profession and or marital status.

My sister and a few of my friends are in the event planning business. Quite frankly, I do not see how they do it. Planning an event from start to finish, from conception to execution literally gives me anxiety. Planning is not my strongpoint. So much of who I am is being able to go with the flow even if the current suddenly changes. While this definitely has its benefits, it also makes it very difficult to stay focused on one task at a time. This blog is proving that to be even truer than I realized.  I have to be intentional about posting and what direction I want to go in. If you were to ask me what my goal is for Bubbling Brooke three , six  and nine months from now and how I plan on achieving those goals, I honestly couldn’t tell you the specifics. That’s a harsh reality but I acknowledge it so that I can overcome it. This isn’t because I do not have a vision. My vision has not changed. I started this blog with the intent to be as transparent as I can about the woman I’ve become and the journey to arrive at this point,  hoping to inspire other women along the way with hard truths, love and the joys I’ve discovered.  This will never change because it is the most authentic way I can be. What has to change is my approach or else I will not produce what I know I am capable of. I won’t’ reach the women I know need to be reached. I won’t grow in the areas where I’ve been stagnant.  Everything is resting on my ability to plan ahead and follow through.

At the same time, I cannot become so fixated on what the future will look like, that I neglect the necessary reflection on the progress I’ve already made.  Our society places so much focus on what still needs to be done. So much that we may not produce the fruit we should because we fail to see what our progress looks like. How effective can I be in the future without first recognizing what I’ve already accomplished? What am I building on? Bricks are layered not only set side by side.  When I realized my planning deficiency immediately I began setting goals. Well, the problem with that was, I didn’t know where to start. There was no flow to them. I was all over the place which was frustrating to say the least. Once I took a minute to actually put into perspective the goals I’ve already accomplished, the topics I’ve discussed and the feedback I’ve received, it became that much easier for me to set additional short-term goals.  Proper planning and progress reflection are both essential to dealing with the pressure of achieving the level of success determined by oneself .

Pressure is almost always self-inflicted initially. Outside pressure only becomes a factor when we have not taken the necessary steps towards the goal. When we’ve not done what we should have. This is true in both personal and professional areas of our lives. I find that in my professional life when I am asked to provide detail on a specific project, where I have not been as proactive as I should have been, the pressure seems to go from a normal 4 or 5 to a whole 10. Not because my boss is applying the pressure but simply because I failed to plan and assess my progress,  leaving me in a “not ready” state when asked to deliver.  Most of the time I stay on my toes though. We all know the saying “If you stay ready you won’t have to get ready”. I’ve had so many people ask me questions related to the vision tangibles of Bubbling Brooke that I was not prepared to answer. I guess part of me is surprised that I’m even being asked such specific questions like “do you plan on monetizing?”, “will you have any fashion and travel posts?”, “Will there be any features?”. Don’t get me wrong I have a constant tab open with those questions but my lack of planning, and progress assessment left me so lost. Furthermore, what I realized is that I have a responsibility to myself and those who support  me simply because they love me. As well as to those who believe in this purpose driven adventure for whatever their reason may be. It is a responsibility to see it through to fruition. To properly go about this thing with an execution that matches the passion. I thought just taking the leap was enough. I was okay with that small victory but really I was comfortable with it because it was all I was ready for.

I am totally out of my element in my house right now and in this blog arena. But at one point I am certain the butterfly must’ve thought the cocoon was the place of death. Instead we all now that its true purpose in all that makes it uncomfortable and even scary is transformation. It is beautifully designed that way as is this journey that I will continue on. Only now I know that it will require me to properly plan, evaluate my progress and handle pressure effectively so that I will stay ready.

My affirmation for the week is obvious

“I will stay ready so that I will not have to get ready”.

What are some of the ways you set goals and plan for the future?

BB