Me vs the Clock: Mommy Edition

  • Just a couple of “Dream-girls”

I’m typing these words on a Wednesday at 9:05 pm after having all of two and a half hours with my daughter after work. Typical weekday for me. A semi-stressful workday only to get off , fight rush hour traffic to pick her up by 6:15 from the sitter. 

Once I get us inside along with all 3 of the bags : work bag, diaper bag and breast pump bag the clock starts. I must feed the dog now or she’ll get forgotten about, turn the air down, put away the milk I pumped at work, and any unused milk from the sitter. Check her bag for any missing items. If I don’t do it now I’ll forget. 

Rae is probably still in her car seat , either sleep or fussing at me because she wants to nurse. Regardless if she may have had a bottle within the last hour or so. Mommy’s been away all day and she wants what she wants. As do I. That specific bond must be nurtured. It’s a necessity for us both. 

Back to the clock. 

After I set the pump up, change her pamper and/or her clothes. Stripped down to her pamper only, because she’s home and drooling like it’s going out of style, I finally embrace my girl like I’ve been needing to since I dropped her off in the morning. 

Her smile says “Finally!! Took you long enough” 

My reply is a simple “I missed you too baby” 

Can’t stare at each other for too  long because again, it’s nursing-pumping time. Baby on one side pump on the other. 

By the the time that’s done we’ve been home about forty-five minutes. 

She’s satisfied. I’m thinking about what else I need to do that will have to wait a little longer because after she eats it’s playtime! She demands playtime every day and I gladly oblige.

The breast milk is still in the pumped bottle on the table. Thank God it can stay out a little while. Some days I’ve completely forgotten about it. 

Playtime (includes bath time) is short and the most precious time I have with my daughter. She tells me about her day. I say I Love you 100 times. Some days we FaceTime dad , or family. Even though her sitter is great with her it’s my responsibility to teach her. We read a book and I’ll sing “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Her favorite part is “Eyes and ears and mouth and nose” *insert baby giggles*. And of course there are pictures taken! We have tummy time and work on crawling when she feels like it LOL! She is my child and is stubborn in that way. If time permits we watch a quick baby learning show on Youtube and the basketball game!. But the best times are when we just sit on the couch and stare at one another. She grabs at my face and I give her 100 kisses.

Bliss.

Perhaps she’s thinking what I’m thinking “I can’t believe she’s mine”!! I would like to think it’s close to that wonderful feeling of being blessed with your very own dream-girl!

I may get 15-20 mins to do something else. Maybe eat while she is in her playpen. 5 minutes in she’s fussing , definitely not crying…..yet. Fussing because she can’t see me. Fussing because the toy won’t go in her mouth or she can’t quite figure out this crawling situation. Again, she’s my child!! Finally when the fussing escalates to crying I know it’s time. 

The clock has run out. It’s time for bed. 

I stop whatever I’m doing to hold my girl until she falls asleep in my arms. Tucked so tight by her own efforts like she’s been doing since day one. She’s good and sleep when the pacifier falls out of her mouth. It’s sad. There’s never enough time. She won’t wake up until the next morning with the biggest most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen …….and we do it all over again. 

I think about how I need more time with her and how I can make it happen more than I think about anything else. Even more than my struggles with my postpartum body, finances, work life and personal life. The thought of having to sacrifice any time I have with her is depressing. Sure the weekends are great but still they go by so fast. Right now she’s growing rapidly. With each day I notice some type of improvement in her development. Her smile gets bigger, her kicks get harder, her eyes get brighter. I know there will come a time when I may have to work longer or be away from her for whatever necessary reason and I dread it. I cry about it.

Right now I cannot fathom it. I don’t think either of us can afford to lose any of the precious time we have to be with one another.

It’s very hard to explain. I realize  that every aspect of this journey thus far feels that way and I’m of the opinion that it should. The privilege is so great for me that I have moments  when I am so overwhelmed it seems unreal. It’s hard most days. The will is there but so are the obstacles. And yet the time we are together makes me feel like a super-hero! 

I need her.

I’ve always needed her.

I’ll always need her. 

It’s now 9:53 pm. I’m watching her sleep. 

More than a bond. We are two lives with one heartbeat. 

XOXO

B

Healing Out Loud

On 12/16/2018 at 11:27pm I delivered my daughter 5 ½ weeks early. Raegan was born weighing an even 6lbs, healthy and strong. My miracle was here taking her first breath, crying her first cry, looking me in the eyes. Life as hard as it had been the previous months was proving it could also be generous. That last part; life is generous is a statement I heard before but hadn’t come to the realization of what it could mean.

It’s still hard to process the last year of my life. This time last year began my journey of what would become by far my most difficult to overcome. If you were a Bubbling Brooke reader you know I had to overcome some heartbreak and disappointment that took me to some places. Both high and low. My last post  Finding My Heartbeat After A Breakdown was 8 months ago! It was what I thought to be my victory lap. In some ways it was. I had fought to get back to a place of peace with all I had endured. Feelings of resentment, disappointment and even some guilt had been consuming me to the point that I couldn’t even recognize myself. But what I thought was a war won was only a battle. A necessary battle, nevertheless. It would prepare me for what I would face next.

There are some dreams and fears you truly can’t fathom until they become reality. There are some joys and pains that must be experienced before they can be understood.

Not long after my victory I found out I was expecting my first child and that my father was diagnosed with stage four cancer. Life was once again proving to be hard and generous at the same time. The next few months would require of me something I didn’t know I had. I would have my greatest joy and deepest fear run parallel through my heart and I would have to survive what I couldn’t fully understand. There is no comfort when you are living in constant fear of losing someone you never thought you would so soon. There is nothing joyous about a reality when it involves a nightmare. Yet, I had moments where I could embrace my pregnancy but the cloud hovering over my head was constant. Even with the idea of me becoming a mother now being a reality I struggled with it. Even though it was my dream. Along with the normal anxieties every expecting mother may experience to some degree, I was losing my parent. Overwhelmed is an understatement.  I was watching him daily battle something that was getting progressively worse. While my baby was developing my heart was breaking. Feelings of guilt buried me often because her miracle wasn’t enough to silence my fears. I know now that it was her life that ultimately gave me the strength to get up each day and face that fear. It was her that enabled me to cherish what would only be two short months that we had with our dad. My sister and I both endured and overcame what should have killed us. And if we can do that, we can survive anything.

What I learned about healing this past year is that it is not done in secret. It is not subtle no matter how hard you try. It will show. Sometimes it is ugly and hard full of tears and breakdowns. Other times it looks like a good selfcare Sunday consisting of a bubble bath and a good book to read. Either way it should be embraced.  From the moment I acknowledged the heartbreak I experienced to facing the fear of losing my parent and the anxiety associated with expecting my first child, I chose to heal out loud. It did not always feel as though I was healing, it often felt like more pain was being endured. My personal life suffered, blogging no longer was something I could focus on. I couldn’t be transparent about something so difficult. I could not share something so private at the time.  There were days I could barely function at work and days I was like a robot without feelings when it came to my relationships. The phases I went through all were crucial to me being able to share these words.

There was nothing subtle about this journey. Family and friends, co-workers and even strangers all experienced it with me. I couldn’t silence it even if I wanted to. I wouldn’t have made it through if I had tried. The support I received was just as important to me as the courage it took to keep living when there was a part of me dying. As difficult as healing may be there is always something to look to. Hope. Hope is a sure thing and for me that was my faith knowing that God is able to heal and Raegan. I had to be reassured that apart from mercy there is no grace.

February 16 my daughter will be 2 months old. On the same date last year, I journaled these words

I caught a certain wave
I rode it with confidence
It has buried me
I have fought my way to the top gasping for air
I have roared with victory
I have been silenced by overwhelming sorrow
Still I do not know which was more felt
Could it be that I have been engulfed in my intent to endure?
Now all my emotions are rolled up into one
Moment by moment and no one is more apparent than the next
I have confessed from my soul
I have prayed in the spirit
I have asked for forgiveness out of my brokenness
I have given praise from the tops of my lungs
Hallelujah and Lord have mercy have both been my song

Since then my sister and I have buried our father and we’ve both given birth to real-life miracles.

I’ve been healing out loud through this platform, my journal and every tear I have cried both in secret and on the willing shoulders of others.

As I continue to do so I am most grateful for the realization of knowing that even when life is hard it is also generous.

I’ve missed this. It feels good to be back!!

Xoxo
B

Finding My Heartbeat After a Breakdown

I cannot believe that it is already May!!! I don’t know where the time is going but it is clearly not waiting for me to catch up. Every now and then I have to remind myself to pick my head up and look around to take inventory of my life. Life has been quite the rollercoaster as you all know from my posts this year, so I feel compelled to bring you all up to date.

Still here!!

Still choosing joy but it has not been easy. I’d be less than truthful if I painted that superwoman picture. I have been getting my butt kicked yet in the end I’m winning the war. So then again, maybe I do have an S on my chest. But that S is for SUPERNATURAL. That’s the only way I can process these victories against the attack on my life and the peace that I’ve gained.

Coping mechanisms vary from person to person. Specifically, as women I think we do our very best to cope with our heartaches and internal wrestling matches as best we can. We may never reveal them but we are fully engaged. We’re born into this world as predetermined super women but sometimes there isn’t enough in us alone to do so. We need help. We try all kinds of things to help us keep up face and push through. I think this is why Solange’s “Cranes in the Sky” resonates so well with us. We try everything. I tried everything to get me through this year. It wasn’t until I finally broke and had my eyes opened that I realized I was doing exactly what the enemy of my soul wanted me to do. Lose my whole mind but not realize it because I was trying any and everything I could to suppress my true feelings: to drink it away, shop it away, cry it away, and even love it away. I forgot that flowers need both the sun and the rain to grow and most importantly they need a little dirt!!!

I started this blog to be transparent and ask the hard questions in hopes that I would encourage women to do the same no matter how different we may be. At the end of the day we all will experience some pain and we have to realize that if we aren’t careful we can do ourselves a disservice by trying to be so strong. So strong that we become oblivious to just how weak we are. For me the mental strains of it all was too much. I will always empathize with those whose mental state is at risk for whatever the reason may be. I do not take for granted my ability to recognize when I am losing  my grip. The most fragile flower has strength in it to grow and endure simply because that is the way it was designed. We are fragile flowers who were designed to endure hard times, nurture by nature and rebuild what has been broken. It is not always a walk in the park.

It was not that I was not being honest or my life was a lie based on what I displayed. It was very accurate. I was still living. I still had to function at a high level despite my emotions. That was the deception. The calm before the actual storm until things got progressively worse. I had nights of endless crying, longer party and drunken nights of not even remembering how I got home and days of utter confusion. Nothing was making sense and as a result I held so much resentment towards myself. If you think getting over resentment towards someone else is difficult let me tell you!! This all occurred before I came to my senses literally. I had been holding my breath in a battle for my life in every capacity. It’s not easy for me to acknowledge that I let this go this far because I had been trying my best to keep things in perspective and keep my expectations as realistic as possible but I failed. I failed big time. It’s like when you have a good idea but poor execution. It just won’t work.

The butterfly could never accurately describe the cocoon experience. Therefore, no matter how much of my circumstance were known or I could’ve shared, what I was experiencing was warfare to say the least. There is nothing pretty about war of any kind. I didn’t just let my guard down, I took it off. I forgot that I have three enemies: the world, the devil and the flesh. You may be reading this and will disagree and that’s fine. I respect everyone’s position on these matters of spirituality. But as for me, I forgot about this old flesh. I was prepared for the world and its devices, and the devil and his attempts to steal my joy, but my very own flesh (this includes the heart and mind) was getting the best of me on the battlefield. I had lost all control.  I forgot just how strong it is. I forgot that pride comes before destruction. Sometimes we have to break. Sometimes we have to go too far.

In early March I booked a trip to Seattle to visit one of my girlfriends mid-April. I had no idea the timing would be perfect. A few days before the trip I got real honest with myself. I had some time of reflection that showed how much of the truth I’d distorted, how much pride had lifted up in me and how I had forgotten that everything I receive in this life, even my suffering is mercy. Some people leave battles better and some leave the battle worse than they were before. We all leave seeing things differently.

During my time in Seattle I visited a Tulip Festival. Tulips are my absolute favorite flower. I walked an entire field and beheld rows and rows of red, purple, white, yellow, orange and some multicolored. It was the skittles of Tulips and the most beautiful thing I had seen in a long time. This was no small thing. It was a reminder to never forget what joy truly is. What makes me happy and how much of this life I live is so good. I had won the war. It came at a cost as they all do but the reward far outweighs any casualty. I found my heartbeat in a field of flowers and finally took a deep breath.

Rejoice in the victory today!

Be Blessed

B

 

 

 

BTween Us: Woman to Woman Conflict and Why We Need It

 

Yesterday in a text to one of my good friends I told her that the title for a blog post “Woman to Woman” kept popping up in my head. I followed that with “But I don’t want to write it.” What I have learned is that is usually the very thing I should write. I should be sharing what’s on my heart, in my head and what’s making me uneasy in my gut. So I will do my best at condensing what will be expounded on at a later date because I have many thoughts on this.

Honestly, the concept of writing an open letter to women in general has always been an idea that lead to  me starting this blog. I want to be the conversation starter. I am not driven by the “How to” aspect of blogging necessarily. I’m more geared toward now that you’ve read this, you tell me how you feel. Is your perspective clear? Did this make you ask yourself the hard questions AND drive you towards answering them with transparency no matter how uncomfortable it may be?

That’s my goal.

What woman to woman means to me is, I am going to speak to you from my point of view and I want you to speak to me from yours. The goal is to have this conversation that will enlighten and enable us to better understand and if we cannot understand the actions behind the other person’s why, the gem is still found in being willing to listen. I may not agree with another woman’s perspective but I realize her convictions, her confidence level, her vulnerabilities and her history have all shaped that for her. We have to stop placing our perspective onto others as though our paths have all been the same. And even if it were so, we have different hearts that produce different results.

I am not sure when I began to be intentional about taking this approach when faced with a conflict or misunderstanding between me and another woman regardless of the role she plays in my life. I am sure being raised in a female dominated family and household consisting of my mother and my two sisters had a lot to do with it. I was not always the most understanding. In fact I was not giving a damn about anyone else’s feelings other than my own for the majority of my life. I was an angry little woman. Deep down inside there was this force of compassion I was burying because I was hurt. I kept my guard up on the outside but would be torn up on the inside.  I am forever grateful for the seed having been watered by maybe my own tears of guilt, shame and regret . Nevertheless it has bloomed into something beautiful in my spirit. I do not take it for granted.

Most women are hurt.

That hurt will drive us to exercise compassion and understanding, not to be confused with passivity.  Or it will drive us to develop these attitudes of entitlement and bully tendencies. These are then directed towards not only other women but unfortunately, the men in our lives and in some very bad cases even our children. Hurt people hurt people and a woman scorned is a high hurdle to get over. Nothing is impossible but it doesn’t come without a cost. When we are hurt and refuse to see ourselves past that blurred vision of “woe is me” any and everyone can feel the wrath. Therefore, if you are going to overcome the obstacles you’ll have to set aside some pride.

There is this movement amongst women today that when genuine is really a sight to see. Women lifting each other up, supporting one another in business and all kinds of endeavors. A whole sister circle. However, like most things, this is most often when everyone is on the same accord. Not so much when the women do not look like you, or dress like you, or have the same goals as you. You definitely are not seeing it when another woman has hurt you and if you ask me this is when it  is to be exercised the most.

As lovely as the idea may be, I am not a fan of this utopia that is being portrayed because it is not realistic. We are not all going to get along. The better news is that, in order to prosper and function with good mental health we do not have to. There is no future in your fronting ok! We are going to be faced with situations that will try us in the worst way and that is when you get to see the kind of woman someone is. More importantly, you see the kind of woman you are. At the end of the day your feelings won’t always be taken into consideration but that does not mean you have to bury them.  How will you respond to that friend that betrayed you, that name calling, that petty woman in your world who is hell bent on making your life miserable?

I’m certain most of us have had an encounter that has brought out of us some ugliness and at the same time it may have been justifiable considering the circumstances. Fast forward to today we might handle it differently. Maybe. What I will say is that as you grow these are the scenarios that help you help someone else inadvertently. In my 20’s I responded totally different than I would now. Trust me I know. SMH! This came with me first and foremost realizing I have all the power to win! Not because I am in competition with someone else, or to say I got the last word with a good read but to win the battle of self-control.

Woman to woman is a two way street. Play your part. Being willing to listen to the other woman without being defensive will resolve a lot of conflict. It’s not easy to listen to that friend who started acting funny, or your co-worker who just doesn’t like you. It’s not easy to listen to a family member who only points out your faults and never acknowledges your accomplishments. Let us not forget that other woman who came to you as a woman. Chile, who wants to listen to her?? Whatever the case, whoever the woman is she needs you to listen. It may take a while. It may be that you actually never get to have that conversation. We can learn a lot about a person in more ways than just listening to the words spoken directly to us. Actions speak just as loud. Pay attention. We all in one way or another will expose our hurt to each other and if you stop and listen you’re going to realize that most of the time it really has nothing to do with you directly. You are not the root of the problem but there may very well be something in you that triggers this person. You can become the vessel to help another woman heal if you truly desire to and it starts with you.

At the end of the day the most important woman to woman you will have is with the one in the mirror.

I am who I am because I have a desire to be this way. As the saying goes “Cause no harm but take no sh!t”. I have cultivated this heart to be able to walk this earth as best I can and to not intentionally hurt another woman. I’ve done enough of that in my life time. Just as I’ve endured enough. It’s called balance I guess. When I do fall short I am quicker to recognize my wrong and decide how to move forward than I was in the past. Yes, I’ve given apologies that may have been too late. It gets easier once you realize you are not responsible for the acceptance of the apology. I’ve dealt with women who have tried to hurt me with their words and actions. I’ve had to exercise some extreme self-control when my marital status and motherhood status has been used as ammunition to cause me pain. Truth is it did just that. I never understood why any woman who has received these blessings would use it to hurt another woman who has not.  Am I striving to be friends with a women who attacks me below the belt or period.  Absolutely not!!  But what I have gotten much better at is going high. You have to get to the point to where you are too good for certain things.

Your possessions, your accolades, beauty and whatever else wood, stubble and hay you rely on that won’t stand the test of fire do not make you a good woman.  You need to go a little deeper than that.  Who is good anyways???  I just choose differently than some in this area but this doesn’t change the fact that I have many ways about me that I need to check daily.

Some simple but effective questions I ask myself when being tested are:

  1. Will you listen to this other woman who disagrees with your perspective?
  2. Will you help another woman become better by not engaging in the back and forth in order to prove a point?
  3. Are you willing to exercise compassion when the insecurities of another causes them to be nasty towards you?

It is not easy but if we are going to survive in this not so perfect world of women someone is going to have to go high without looking down on those who choose not to.  Someone is going to have to look past their own hurt and realize there is an opportunity to lead by example. Trust me there is nothing more frustrating to someone than when you do not take the hate bait.

Most women are hurt and choose to act out of that hurt; but life is just too precious, too fast and too uncertain to intentionally cause strife. The reality of there being conflict amongst women is not the problem. It is necessary for us to get to the bottom of some things. Embrace the opportunity with the right motive.

Is there a woman you need to listen to today? What is she telling you with her words or her actions? Is that woman you?

Be blessed.
B

Btween Us: When the Comforter Needs Comforting

I wanted my first blog post of 2018 to be about 2017 reflection and what I had lined up for this year. But life happens and as much as I’ve debated over this past week on actually sharing these thoughts, I’ve come to realize this platform was created for me to do just that. So here I am. January has been very difficult spiritually, emotionally, psychologically the whole entire family of ally’s ok!!! Full of fiery trials but in the midst of it all I’m reminded that I am gold….SOLID GOLD. My joy remains full! When we pray for joy and to be strong and ready we never know how that test will come about. Joy is not dependent upon circumstances and feelings in order to be claimed.  It is truth I must affirm in myself daily and sometimes it feels more like moment for moment. Trials are set before me just like everyone else. None of us are exempt. How you perceive the trials is totally up to you.

We set our minds to do so many things that we often forget they also need to be rested. The heart we depend on to enable us to give so much to others begins to run on empty and must be refilled. This is not something that just happens automatically. Doers don’t just do because it’s easy or natural they are intentional. Givers don’t give because there are not sacrifices involved. Lovers do not exhaust themselves of continually choosing to love because they have no other option. These are all conscious choices we make and when life comes at us out of the blue, it may require of us to fold and other times to fuel.

The individuals that choose to fold are not the weaker vessel compared to those that fuel. There are times when you will have to lay down some things in your life: a goal, a lover, a desire. The discernment to know when to fold and how to fuel through is what I’ve been intentional about cultivating a heart for most of my adult life. How do you know if you are truly fearless if you are never faced with the option of being fearful? One of my 2018 Life Words is “Become”.  All that I’ve endured throughout life has been about me becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be. This current test is no different.  We have been deceived into thinking that those who seem to have everything they’ve always wanted are God’s chosen. That they must be doing everything right and those of us who are still waiting on our “blessing” have done something wrong and as a consequence we’re being punished or just forgotten about altogether. I hope anyone who may be in this season along with me will never ever adopt that mentality because it is a lie.  You are not forgotten but you may very well be in a season of discipline and if you love God that is rule # 1 that we must understand. God disciplines and prunes the lives of his children like any good father would! God is sovereign! No matter what the common cliché of today says “Just Speak things into existence.” We must remember that if that thing does not come to fruition he is still good. I am not here to preach or maybe I am…..who knows LOL?!! I’m not certain on a lot of things these days and good thing I don’t need to be.

I get a little weary when people say to me “you’re so strong” or “if anyone can handle this you can.” I should find comfort in that they see me this light but instead it leaves me with a vulnerable mindset. On one hand I’m prone to adopt a self-inflicted expectation to make the right decision which is the decision a “strong” person would make.  Who determines that exactly?? On the other hand I am motivated to make the right decision for me. That alone adds to the pressure of really working through the emotions I am dealing with. So that I am fully confident in my decision regardless of what others may think or how difficult it may be.

“Breathe” is another 2018 Life Word. Personal trials reveal just how much we take for granted unknowingly. This past month my breathing pattern has become something that once was an after thought but there have been days when it too required my attention and intention at times. There were moments that I was so overwhelmed and captivated by my own thoughts it was almost as if I had just stopped altogether. I didn’t but somebody feels me. Pain will do that to you. Make you realize your heart is actually beating and air is flowing through your lungs. You’re not just here but you are living. I was reminded that I am capable of feeling something that impactful and somehow still able to find joy in life. Tears and all.

In my own little world I am most often the comforter. Let me be clear, it is not because I never need comforting. I realized I was a comforter as a young girl in my friendships and as I got older how I began to feel the pain I inflicted on others. I’ve been tender and strong. It’s a balance but it does not come without cost. I have an amazing tribe of comforters.  But with being a comforter it is almost unnatural to seek comfort initially when things get rough. I have to work through so much internally and process my feelings before I can even begin to share what I may be going through. A lot of this has to do with my perspective on life and its troubles.

Some pain is guaranteed

It’s a simple complex in that the “pain” can be perceived in general or specifically.

Some pain: there is a certain amount of pain we will experience in life

Some pain: a specific pain such as loss of a family member, heart break over a relationship or friendship that ended badly.

This is not me having a super pious attitude towards life that never leaves me wanting to question God about why certain things happen in the world and in my own personal life. The reality is that we just have to endure as best we can and trust that what is on the other side of what we’re feeling at the moment is our true destination. We do not have to stay in a place of uncertainty and fear of not knowing if whether or not the pain we are currently experiencing will subside. It will, if we allow it to. There are some things people have had to endure that I am not sure I could survive. Then there are circumstances in my life I have overcome that have turned people cold as ice. Everyone is different.

How do I comfort myself in times like these when life comes out of the blue you might ask? I don’t, I cannot. At best I just feel and I pray. Not only for it to just pass quickly but for me to realize I need the same mercy and grace my situation may be requiring me to extend to someone else or to myself for that matter. It may be to get through the anger, sadness, guilt, shame or maybe even humiliation and not wanting to be pitied by anyone. Whatever it may be I allow myself to feel everything and deeply, especially when I thought I knew how I’d respond if ever faced with a particular situation. If I can be honest I’ve felt disappointed in myself for not doing so. I’ve matured enough to know, that my friend is nothing but ugly old pride flaring up!  Spirit and flesh wrestle all day every day. Ultimately it is up to us to determine who we’re going to serve at any given moment. I have a choice to make. I can fight it and force the anger into a position of power or I can allow the less appealing emotions of empathy and compassion that may almost seem unfair to me to reign. This is truly the only way I know how to determine if it’s time to fold and lay something down or fuel my way through. I cannot do that outside of myself; outside of counseling my own heart with truth first.

I realize in today’s blogger arena it’s almost a requirement to share your experiences in detail in order to be relatable and gain likes or whatever. I disagree and hold the position firmly that some experiences must be felt privately for a while. For now it’s just me and God working through some things. It’s him dealing with me and me still fueling to say “yes Lord” no matter how much I do not understand about this test or wish I was exempt from it. Without the fire there is no gold.

Today it may be empathy and sadness, possibly even some peace that I am feeling the most; tomorrow it may be something altogether different. No matter what my current feelings are I do find comfort in that my heart and mind can rest knowing I have the choice to choose joy. Because one thing is certain, some pain is guaranteed.

B