35th Birthday Edition: The Difference|Brokenness vs Bitterness

I always celebrate my birthday in one way or another but a whole birthday party is usually not the move.

The last birthday party I had was when I turned twenty-five. Can we say LIT!!!! So I guess it’s safe to say that every ten years I throw myself a real live party! Thirty-five has come and gone but let me say that my last minute party was right on time. True it was a distraction from life and its troubles but isn’t that what most celebrations are in some form or fashion. I welcomed the distraction. But now that the dust has settled and I am back to living my real life apart from the dancing for three hours straight in Giuseppe heels and fitted sequenced dress I have to deal with my emotions and what not. Story of my life, huh?! You will not master something by neglecting it though.

I am thirty five years old and every time I say it out loud it goes one or two ways; I rejoice in that I have made it this far (Lord knows I could’ve been somewhere altogether different) or I start focusing on my disappointments and pains, naturally so.

Most of the time my heart is on my sleeve either beating strong or bleeding but sometimes I put a little wall around it. Wall or no wall it still feels so deeply every single thing. Always have and I gather it always will. Since this is my state I’ve had to learn to be intentional about how I respond to certain situations. Physical muscles won’t form themselves and neither will spiritual and emotional muscles. As fragile as the heart is and mine especially, I still would rather have a broken heart over a bitter one any day. To most that doesn’t sound like much of a choice but trust me there is a difference. My initials may be BB but I don’t want them to stand for “Bitter Brooke”! Been there, not going back.

The heart that is broken has the promise of healing to see it through the process of each broken piece coming back together to form an even stronger heart than before. It will beat again.

The bitter heart has yet to realize its need to be broken and healed. It forsakes the power of rejuvenation and its own ability to overcome all that is trying to destroy it from within.

What separates the broken and the bitter heart from one another is forgiveness and forgiveness alone. Although the journey to get there is uncomfortable and must be taken again and again it’s necessary. At first glance the broken heart and bitter heart appear to be identical because the pain feels the same. Be that as it may, healing will only come after forgiveness and what is not broken has no realization of its true state of infirmity.

Love comes slowly, then we fall so hard and yet when tried it goes so fast. Why? Because we are not willing to allow our brokenness to show us ourselves. Yes, even when someone has hurt you, there is something to see in yourself if you are to grow from the situation. Mary J Blige said it best in one of her songs

“You gotta love like you’ve never been hurt to find the love that you deserve. Be indestructible”

Unfortunately, we’d rather hold onto the pain slowly suffocating the life out of us and then wonder how we’ve become so cold.

I refuse.

Instead I choose to prosper through my pain and live! That’s my gift to myself every year. A promise to continue to embrace my brokenness regardless how it came about. Whether it came as a result of my self-inflicted pain or someone else’s treatment of me. The power is still in my response. I cannot afford to relinquish it to circumstances. I like expensive things but not if it costs me my joy.

There is no merit for me in choosing this path for my life, I am not super woman, and I am not striving to be perfect. I do realize the mercies of God enables the steps I take over each stepping stone of insecurity, anger, disappointment, rejection and all other less attractive experiences I’ve had in these thirty-five years. I am fragile and after the celebratory highs fade and that old bitterness tries to take root in the foundation of my heart, I am getting better with recognizing it and taking action. Better with age or nah?!!

Let me be clear, I am not bitter heart proof, none of us are but what I know for sure at thirty-five that maybe I wasn’t totally convinced of at twenty-five, is that hope is a sure thing and as the broken heart relies on the promise of healing, it in return willingly forgives.

Be Blessed

B

Dream Girl: Be Brave and Finish Strong

Bubbling Brooke is almost 1!! Last weekend I spent about two hours reading all my posts and just reveling in the fact that in this short time I have experienced so many incredible moments. I am thankful for the highs and the lows.  I sat on my couch reading and cheering myself on as if it were my very first time seeing those words! It is such an amazing feeling knowing that I have been able to accomplish something so meaningful. It is safe to say I’ve been living. There’s no better testament to that than the daily battles we endure. What started as me simply wanting to engage in something that would be therapeutic for me, has turned into so much more than I could’ve ever imagined. I’ve always prayed to be strong and very courageous in my life. but fell short on may occasions. I want to fully trust God with my insecurities and fears. I want to write transparently and fearlessly. My one goal for 2017 was to be BRAVE! Brave enough to not fear being misunderstood. That was one of my biggest fears prior to sharing my words and ultimately my perspective. Truth is I have only scratched the surface. Each day I am faced with a decision to write or not to write. Most importantly I am faced with the decision to be authentically Brooke or to be molded by outside influences and discouraged by my own self-inflicted insecurities.

As young girls some of us dream of being a doctor, some dream of being a mother, and some even the President of the United States. I am no exception. I too am a Dream Girl. I used to want to be a teacher. I’ve always wanted to teach out of love but that soon faded when I realized it takes a compassionate yet emotionally strong person to teach adolescents. I’d be too invested emotionally with what a teacher experiences on a day to day basis. When I got the desire to write a book years ago I knew what I wanted to say but I didn’t know how or to whom I would share it with. My target audience was not something I even knew I needed. What I did know and what I’ve had to reaffirm in myself more frequently than I like to admit, is that I do have enough valuable words to accomplish the goal. The good news is I realize that my value is determined by me and no one else.  Designer labels do not ask the consumer what they should charge for their products so why should I wait for someone else to tell me if what I have to write is valuable or not? There’s an audience for everyone.

Throughout this journey I started realizing that with each post I was sharing contents of my “Dream Book”. Surprisingly this discouraged me from writing.  I refer to it as my “Dream Book” because that is exactly where I began pouring out the words to form the sentences which formed chapters. My daydreams consisted of chapter after chapter being written in my head. I’d fall asleep doing the same. What I failed to do was actually put them onto paper. As a result, the ideas would come and go but thankfully the desire remained. Blogging was me proving to myself that I could do it. I could actually turn my thoughts into something tangible. The feedback has been so humbling. It mostly has come from those who have known me for years and unfortunately have experienced me in the worst ways at times. To read and hear their words of encouragement and appreciation for me being myself is priceless. You cannot take for granted the willingness of those who choose to see you as a light and to embrace you as such. There is so much negativity being put out into the atmosphere and being received in people’s hearts nowadays. It’s a cold world we live in and amongst women it can be the coldest.

There are women who want to help in one way or another. It’s human nature for us to want to be used for some greater good. My Instagram feed is filled with women who have taken a leap of faith and are now being used in the most amazing ways. Sisters are being encouraged and finding themselves accomplishing their goals left and right. You go girl!! I definitely benefit from those women being willing to share their experience and expertise. On the other hand it can also leave you feeling as if there isn’t any room for you to add value. This is kind of where I still struggle with the idea of becoming an author.

In one my very first posts You Are What You Speak  I introduced #PSA (Pretty. Smart. Affirmed). It is one of those ideas that have remained throughout this journey.  It is what I feel is the best way to categorize what I want to write about: outer beauty, intellect and our significance/value. These are the areas we all are plagued with insecurity at some point in our lives. Either you’re too pretty or not pretty enough; too smart or not smart enough and lastly you’re either overcompensating for past guilt and shame or unable to see the ugliness of your ways. We are a beautiful complex work of art!

For the past three months I was faced with some tough decisions regarding making my “Dream Book” a reality. I want to write so badly but I kept finding myself in this place of uncertainty. Truthfully, I have been so uncomfortable. A constant wrestling of spirit because of me wavering from my passion and purpose now that they’ve aligned. Many of us find our purpose in our passions. They are not same thing however. One is something you do the other is someone you are. If you’re going to walk in your purpose you have to be a little selfish. You must feed the passion to fuel the purpose. I was beginning to revert back to feeling obligated to everyone else first and me second, including my corporate job. I was being drained and had no desire to write (passion). If I didn’t write there would be no “Dream Book” to encourage women to look within themselves and realize they can be brave (purpose).

Anxiety is real no matter how much our community wants to deny it but for me so is Jesus. And even still, I must do the work and keep pressing on. Regardless of who/what you believe in, we can all agree that it is a universal fact, focusing on your circumstances and trials won’t benefit you in accomplishing your goals. I choose to believe the promise! The promise is not that there will not be trials or days when I am afraid. There are going to be days when I am going full speed ahead crushing my goals. The other days consist of me running on empty and everyone is getting on my nerves. However, if I keep in mind that my writing is not for me to get the praise but it is first and foremost for God to get all the glory, I can keep a healthy perspective. There is no true purpose apart from this truth. I was hesitant to share that early on in my blogging journey. Why? I was choosing to believe the lie that said I had nothing to share that was worth God’s glory. How wrong was I?!! How could I not when the desire was never mine to begin with. The seed was planted in my heart and has been watered with each step made along my journey. Every ounce of grace and mercy I’ve been the recipient of has nourished this dream of mine up until this very moment.

As I approach this milestone year I can say that I am not just a girl with a dream to become a published author but I am brave enough to pursue it and see it through to fruition. The desire won’t fade when it is driven by faith. What I’ve come to realize is where you find perfection is in completion. Even if I stumble across the finish line, I still finished strong!

Be BRAVE!!!!!!!

B

How I Came Out of My Valley

Some experiences, moments and seasons of life aren’t meant to be shared with others in depth. There are those that are simply necessary to be felt, to be endured, and to be overcome by you. Not everything can be explained.

I wanted to adequately describe my latest “Valley Experience”. I wanted to provide the next woman who finds herself in the valley with ways to help deal with how she felt. I wanted to be able to equip her with instructions on how to come out better than when she went in. I wanted to provide ways to help her pass the time. But what I realize is that the feelings must be addressed per personal experience and cannot be ignored and time cannot just be passed. She must endure for however long just as I did. That is not something you can teach. That is something we have to choose.

In the valley is where you grow but that growth isn’t always apparent immediately. I’m still not sure I fully understand how I’ve grown from my experience yet. What I am able to share is that I felt three very real emotions during these past few months in ways I hadn’t in quite some time, if ever.

First I felt low.

As a woman I’ve felt low before so it’s not a new feeling. Only this time it wasn’t due to heartbreak or some disrespectful comment made about my appearance or a condescending remark regarding my capabilities and achievements or lack thereof. I felt low as in helpless. I was far away from any hope of overcoming my insecurities. Weak in spirit is what I was. That pretty much sums it up.  I was trying to rely on my insufficient ability to lift myself up by means of coercion and tension.  There was no progress being made. If anything I felt lower and lower until I realized that I had to embrace those insecure moments if I were to ever rise above them. This is no quick fix. It calls for intentional efforts continuously.

What I felt the more frequently was lost.

Constantly, asking myself, how did I get here? There wasn’t any one incident in particular I could recall that brought me to this place. But I was there and I had no clear direction on how to get out. So I stopped trying. It’s as if I set up tent and accepted that this was my home for a while. Though not a physical place literally, mentally I was in the valley and my mind needed resting. My heart needed settling. I didn’t panic no matter how hard it got and there were times when I thought I wouldn’t make it. I was able to find comfort in knowing that this experience was a part of my journey. I was reminded that what the Lord commands he enables. This may have single handily kept me in an operable mental space. Sounds dramatic huh? Well valley experiences can be just that surreal. Your mental health requires examinations just as much as your physical health does. As women of color I hope we begin to realize the importance of this.

Lastly, I felt unloved.

This was hard to realize. Once I did what I had to accept was that this feeling of being unloved was a lie that I told myself way too often. If we tell ourselves anything long enough we’ll believe it without a doubt soon enough. But who didn’t love me, and why not? Jesus loves me. My family loves me. I have dear friends that love me. The truth was I just didn’t like me. Like and love are not the same but because I was unaware of how much I didn’t like who I was, it felt as if I was not loved at all. I didn’t like how I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of and almost bullied in some situations, simply because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. I didn’t like how I was shrinking when I should’ve stood tall. I didn’t like how those who so called knew me best were treating me as if they didn’t and I said nothing. The truth is that people prefer to use your less than appealing moments to infer that they know you so well.  I didn’t like how I was just being a wimp in life because that I am not. I resented myself for all those reasons.

I came out of this experience what seems like suddenly but it was anything but. I cried every single day for a few months. I do cry easily but these were tears of desperation. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted the pressure to be lifted and the anxiety to go away! Instead I remained  present. There were days when nothing made sense. Those around me were being used in ways they clearly were unaware of but nevertheless they triggered things in me I still cannot explain. God knows.

What I often see is so many women looking for guidance on how to live their individual lives. As if a generic step-by-step guide is enough. No one wants to feel, endure and overcome these uncomfortable, inexplicable experiences regardless of how unavoidable they are.

But I’m here to reassure you that the time you spend present in the valley will reveal to you things about yourself that no mountaintop can.

B

 

 

Growing in Comfort Zones

 

As I prepare for an annual two week work trip to India that always humbles me in all things life, I wanted to be sure I got my weekly affirmation in and encouraged you all to do the same. I will be taking a much needed social media hiatus while away in order to clear up some mental space. In preparing for this I began to self-evaluate areas of growth.

I am not one who seeks out change very much. I like what I like and I do not take the time to adventure out into the unknown. If I do not feel as though I do something well enough I will not attempt it. But how do I know if I don’t even try? I don’t. However, in my latest self evaluation I realized that I get out of my comfort zone more than I give myself credit for. While I may not find ways to try new things on my own very often, I am a darn good cheerleader for others! As I began to think about how I’ve grown and how others are growing while exercising courage unknowingly despite their apprehension to get out of their comfort zone, a  highlight reel of times I’ve been able to do so by supporting someone else came to mind.

For example, a few years ago one of the most artistic women I know and friend of mine Tiffany Kowalski invited me to be a part of a project she was working on for her photography business that focused on natural hair. So, yes while I was nervous, very self-conscious and lost in this entire process I agreed. I mean who doesn’t love a good photo and plus good cheerleaders don’t miss the opportunity to cheer!

While on the subject it is confession time. One thing you all should know about me is that I have a love/hate relationship with pictures. Love them because I never want to miss a moment of joy, love, beauty. Hate because for me I just cannot get it right. This is why I have not posted very many on this blog. I’m unnecessarily critical of myself. Not because I have low self-esteem or don’t find myself to be beautiful because I do. I just do the most with pictures. It is ridiculous and tiring to be honest. I apologize for that because I do understand the importance of aesthetics in this blogging arena. I will do better. Operation “Get out of Comfort Zone” to commence. Wait for it.

Ok, fast forward to the day of the photoshoot. The vision had been stated, outfit picked out and 2 day wash-n-go was poppin! Listen, I had forgotten all about how uncomfortable I was initially with this entire idea. I was just having fun with my friend being supportive. Naturally.  All my awkwardness went out the window; I was not trying to have the perfect smile. My imperfect skin was not a factor. The sun was shining and the colors on the building were vibrant enough to brighten anyone’s day. Tiffany was working on her craft and I was stepping outside my comfort zone.

We all have different goals we want to reach, a dream we want to see to fruition and desires we hope to fulfill. This will require us to get out of our comfort zones for sure. Until I get to that space fully I have some pretty creative people in my life who bring me into their world which in return allows me to be my most authentic self. Cheering!  I am glad that I am someone who is willing to support others in their endeavors even if it means being uncomfortable. It always ends up being to my benefit.

Maybe you are like me and aren’t really good about trying new things that you’re not very confident in or wouldn’t even think of doing. I bet that there is someone in your world who is involved in something that you can support. Kill two birds with one stone and just when you think that nothing grows in a comfort zone you’ll realize that to be untrue. Who said the comfort zone had to be yours!

Weekly Affirmation:
“I will step out of my comfort zone and support others. I will embrace new opportunities to grow”

 

B

An Audience of One

About a week ago I was on Snap Chat after my workout per usual low-key venting. I felt I had been a bit mild in my posts not really wanting to offend anyone because my views on certain subjects can be counter cultural. For those who follow me on snap, y’all know I can go off about certain topics LOL! It is what happened mid vent session that once again put things into perspective for me as it relates to my “target audience”.  A friend of mine had been off social media and hadn’t gotten around to visiting Bubbling Brooke.  She binge read all of my posts and texted me her thoughts on each one. Can we say “on time”!!! I love confirmation!  God always sends confirmation and conviction when we need it most. It is up to us to take heed to it or not but that’s another post for another day.

The significance of her texts was not that others hadn’t commented on posts or texted me their feedback or that her opinion weighed so much more. It was that where I was at that very moment was a place of second guessing my abilities and my mission. I was wondering if the audience I was attempting to reach maybe was not the right audience, that maybe I needed rethink who I was talking to. Maybe I needed to conform to the more popular methods of blogging. Focusing on my wardrobe, hair, travel, politics etc. Afterall, those are things that I am interested in and eventually want to add to the layers of this platform. However, doing so would not help me determine who I was talking to. I’d still need to speak with an authentic transparency .

There is no glamour to my lifestyle. No matter how far I’ve traveled around the world or the restaurants I’ve dined at, or the designer clothes I wear. I’m a simple Houston woman who really just prefers to be off the scene. I’m not interested in contouring and highlights, my style of dress is more modest than it is trendy and sexy.  I don’t find myself to be very photogenic. I’m real awkward to be honest when it comes to picture taking. That in itself is a whole art! I don’t care what anyone says. Angles matter man!!  This does not make me opposed to anyone who may express opposite interests levels. In fact some of my favorite bloggers use their platform to speak on these topics providing details on outfits, hair and makeup, travel and still do so in an in-depth way that speaks to women by encouraging them to realize they’re popping! I benefit from them so much!  At the same time I’m often like “but what about this perspective?” Then I’m left searching.

That is when I realized I am my audience of one first and foremost.

I am talking to women who are like me in the sense that they’re not easily impressed with the lights and cameras of this world. We work hard, love hard, stay true to ourselves and to others despite how much we may battle feelings of insecurity, heartbreak or just being down right tired of the day to day feelings of defeat.  We may be different in our professions and marital status but keeping it real with ourselves is always first. We’ve fought for this level of comfort and it will literally cost us more than we can afford to compromise it in order to appeal to the likes of others. This means owning our feelings and continuously asking ourselves the “why” questions. Even about the seemingly easy decisions we make as far as our appearance and mannerisms go.

There is a reason I’m adamant about maintaining my self-confidence the way I do.

It was once non-existent.

So yes, when I decide to talk about what I choose not to put on my face daily it will always go deeper than the surface. When I talk about why I’m intentional about certain things I choose to wear or not to wear this isn’t to bash women who do not make the same decisions. It is because I learned and accept that I do have a responsibility to the men around me, although I am not responsible for how certain men will perceive or attempt to approach me.  What I can be sure is that I am not dressing in a way that convicts ME. I do not care to talk about my shoe closet regardless if I paid $50 or $500 for a pair. Not even about how much I do love them ALL. Because anyone who knows me knows that the shoe always comes first! When I talk about travels I want to share how I met a family in Belize with the sweetest little children who opened their space and offered their time to my best friend and I just because. I don’t always want to experience the five star hotel luxuries. That’s not living to me!

I have to go below the surface. It’s the only way I know how to be. Especially here.

These are positions I cannot be afraid to reveal because they may not be the most popular and there may be backlash from those who disagree or people may not want to read my blog because of it.  I’ve never been afraid to speak my mind or quickly let someone know they have me all the way messed up if they get out of line. At the same time I’ve also matured enough to not want to offend anyone. Bottom line is that my preference should not have anyone else pressed and if they do so be it. I want to be able to express my point of view and reasons behind the decisions I make in hopes that I will encourage other women to do the same on their own terms. Not by being persuasive, offensive or dogmatic in my approach. That’s the “influence” I desire.

What I am saying is that I am a woman, and yes I love to look my best but according to my preferences. I enjoy eating out and traveling like most of us. I shop too much and love a good ole party but Bubbling Brooke for me has to go deeper than that. I have to always keep in the forefront my reason for starting this blog. Who needed this the most? I did. And other women like me who find it almost impossible to not feel inadequate at times because we’re not dolled up daily and may not be the most beautiful in the eyes of the world. We may feel unaccomplished, or like we’re not doing our best. Our blogs, brands and businesses may not have this massive social media following. And the beauty of it all is that we’re more than ok with it because ultimately, even if there is only one person in the audience  that’s more than enough!

Thank you all for taking the time to read and  for all your comments. I appreciate you!

B