Just a couple of “Dream-girls”
I’m typing these words on a Wednesday at 9:05 pm after having all of two and a half hours with my daughter after work. Typical weekday for me. A semi-stressful workday only to get off , fight rush hour traffic to pick her up by 6:15 from the sitter.
Once I get us inside along with all 3 of the bags : work bag, diaper bag and breast pump bag the clock starts. I must feed the dog now or she’ll get forgotten about, turn the air down, put away the milk I pumped at work, and any unused milk from the sitter. Check her bag for any missing items. If I don’t do it now I’ll forget.
Rae is probably still in her car seat , either sleep or fussing at me because she wants to nurse. Regardless if she may have had a bottle within the last hour or so. Mommy’s been away all day and she wants what she wants. As do I. That specific bond must be nurtured. It’s a necessity for us both.
Back to the clock.
After I set the pump up, change her pamper and/or her clothes. Stripped down to her pamper only, because she’s home and drooling like it’s going out of style, I finally embrace my girl like I’ve been needing to since I dropped her off in the morning.
Her smile says “Finally!! Took you long enough”
My reply is a simple “I missed you too baby”
Can’t stare at each other for too long because again, it’s nursing-pumping time. Baby on one side pump on the other.
By the the time that’s done we’ve been home about forty-five minutes.
She’s satisfied. I’m thinking about what else I need to do that will have to wait a little longer because after she eats it’s playtime! She demands playtime every day and I gladly oblige.
The breast milk is still in the pumped bottle on the table. Thank God it can stay out a little while. Some days I’ve completely forgotten about it.
Playtime (includes bath time) is short and the most precious time I have with my daughter. She tells me about her day. I say I Love you 100 times. Some days we FaceTime dad , or family. Even though her sitter is great with her it’s my responsibility to teach her. We read a book and I’ll sing “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes. Her favorite part is “Eyes and ears and mouth and nose” *insert baby giggles*. And of course there are pictures taken! We have tummy time and work on crawling when she feels like it LOL! She is my child and is stubborn in that way. If time permits we watch a quick baby learning show on Youtube and the basketball game!. But the best times are when we just sit on the couch and stare at one another. She grabs at my face and I give her 100 kisses.
Bliss.
Perhaps she’s thinking what I’m thinking “I can’t believe she’s mine”!! I would like to think it’s close to that wonderful feeling of being blessed with your very own dream-girl!
I may get 15-20 mins to do something else. Maybe eat while she is in her playpen. 5 minutes in she’s fussing , definitely not crying…..yet. Fussing because she can’t see me. Fussing because the toy won’t go in her mouth or she can’t quite figure out this crawling situation. Again, she’s my child!! Finally when the fussing escalates to crying I know it’s time.
The clock has run out. It’s time for bed.
I stop whatever I’m doing to hold my girl until she falls asleep in my arms. Tucked so tight by her own efforts like she’s been doing since day one. She’s good and sleep when the pacifier falls out of her mouth. It’s sad. There’s never enough time. She won’t wake up until the next morning with the biggest most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen …….and we do it all over again.
I think about how I need more time with her and how I can make it happen more than I think about anything else. Even more than my struggles with my postpartum body, finances, work life and personal life. The thought of having to sacrifice any time I have with her is depressing. Sure the weekends are great but still they go by so fast. Right now she’s growing rapidly. With each day I notice some type of improvement in her development. Her smile gets bigger, her kicks get harder, her eyes get brighter. I know there will come a time when I may have to work longer or be away from her for whatever necessary reason and I dread it. I cry about it.
Right now I cannot fathom it. I don’t think either of us can afford to lose any of the precious time we have to be with one another.
It’s very hard to explain. I realize that every aspect of this journey thus far feels that way and I’m of the opinion that it should. The privilege is so great for me that I have moments when I am so overwhelmed it seems unreal. It’s hard most days. The will is there but so are the obstacles. And yet the time we are together makes me feel like a super-hero!
I need her.
I’ve always needed her.
I’ll always need her.
It’s now 9:53 pm. I’m watching her sleep.
More than a bond. We are two lives with one heartbeat.
XOXO
B
