The Ugliness of Shame

In 2019, I went up against and unfamiliar opponent and was taught a lesson in shame. I came face to face with the ugliness of it. The deceit it operates from is like a well-oiled machine with one goal and that is to bury you underneath its pile of lies. Shame does not focus on our actions. That would be guilt’s M. O. It says, “I’ve done something wrong”. Although the two can very well deliver the same blow to any solid security level you may have built up, they are different. Shame at its root plants the seed of, “I am something wrong”. Therefore, you hide. Hide from everyone, even those who love you. Those who support you, those who need you. However, most importantly you hide from yourself.

Hiding because of the thoughts and opinions of others, you now believe to be truth. You listen and absorb what someone said to hurt you. I absorbed a lot that in the past I would not have. I was stronger and overcame these types of attacks on my person a lot quicker then. Funny how becoming a mother gave me more strength to persevere but at the same time took me back to my most vulnerable and insecure state because of course….shame. With shame, your intentions are determined to be malicious, your intelligence mocked; your entire substance is under attack. Therefore, you sink slowly back into the hiding place. You cannot defend yourself because of course….shame. How dare you? You are what is wrong and you do not deserve to rejoice from the depths of your soul in the midst of accusation and whispers. Shame takes you on a rollercoaster ride that has a slow creep towards the heights of security, confidence and happiness, just to reach the top and then drop you to its depths. Shame is torture. Moreover, it is a lonely ride and you do not reach out for help because of course everyone has the same opinion. Everyone agrees that you should be ashamed. At least that is what you now tell yourself. You believe the lies. You no longer can replace the lie with truth because you are hiding from yourself.

It feels like I spent most of 2019 peeking out from the hiding place, only to find myself back into the darkness. I found myself on the ride of my life, hands up ready to experience the heights of joy. Until the drop. I was struggling at times to be my best for my daughter because I honestly did not believe I could be. Shame was unfamiliar territory. Unlike guilt. I am well acquainted with guilt due to my many years of terrible actions. I can deal with guilt. With guilt, you embrace the conviction of the wrong you have done, endure the consequence and move on vowing to do better. How do you overcome thoughts of you are what is wrong in your life’s circumstances?

I say this all the time because it is the truth. My daughter saved my life. Literally. I was spiraling out of control losing my grip on reality and just tripping for a lack of better words. Her first breath came at a time when my heart had been shattered by the sudden passing of my father and the disappointing circumstances, which now surrounded her father and my relationship. She was here! Living and breathing! A real life child of my own. A child that was now very real after so many disappointing months prior. She was not some happenstance, she was not an “oops”. Both her parents loved her, both our families embraced her, so why was I struggling with so many emotions I could not explain that were overpowering my desire to just rejoice and be glad. Motherhood alone comes with a lot emotionally, psychologically and physically but it was none of the common assumptions. Despite the events that took place prior to her conception, I never felt the need to justify it. I never associated guilt with my decision. I am an over-thinker by nature. It is so bad that some days I feel like I am going to over-think myself crazy. Nevertheless, this decision was not one I needed to be over analytic about and for me that was a great feeling. Yet here I was out of nowhere, wrestling with it after the fact. When I needed to be present, the most I was failing, or so I thought.

*Insert the vicious cycle of shame’s torture*

Here I was ashamed and never would I be or could I be ashamed of her but I was of me. I felt like once again I had made a decision out of weakness and lack of confidence in myself. Because of course why would I choose to remain in probably the most, and dare I say toxic relationship I have ever been involved. Two unhealed people is never a recipe for relationship success. Lesson learned. Why would I do that and of all things bring a child into the equation? All those insecurities I had worked so hard to overcome seemed to come about me like a revolt of suppressed inhabitants. It was overwhelming to say the least. That was just from my own perspective not even considering others. I guess that is the motive behind shame. It is to make you sink and hide so that you forget whom you are and just how strong you are. You forget all about your victories of overcoming what should have killed you. I missed my dad a lot for this reason. Before he passed, he would make conversation with my daughter’s dad and me about a grandchild. I know he thought it would never happen. Foolishly, I did as well. He always held me at a higher standard than I did myself. He always saw the good in me. He believed in me and I desperately needed to hear him say that he was proud of me and happy to be a grandpa. I did not realize how much I depended on his affirmation until it was no longer my reality.

Shame does not operate on its own. Like any other deceitful presence, it has its own methods of attack. They come in many forms. I experienced a few: Unkind words, lies the enemy whispers, social media’s overzealous opinion of similar scenarios, most importantly the expectations set by yourself and family/friends to name a few. I do not have a problem admitting that I was disappointed in myself. I was very much so. Disappointment is natural shame is not. The disappointment was not that things were not going as I thought they would. It is what it is. I was disappointed in my lack of faith. The point is when you are wrestling with shame you are absorbing all this outside noise but without a defense strategy. It can feel as if you may never find a way to break this cycle. Oh but you will. I did.

Fast forward to the breakthrough.

What is on the other side of shame is sanctuary. A safe place. A place where healthy thoughts exist. Even thoughts that may have you reevaluating some of your decisions, but without the torment. A safe place where you may experience highs and lows but without the fear of falling to your death, figuratively speaking. A safe place where you may have to endure some criticism but without feelings of defeat. A safe place where you can be open and honest with those closest to you. On the other side of shame is a safe place where you can look yourself in the mirror holding your precious daughter knowing that she could never be ashamed of your decision to bring life into this world! Her life! I have the privilege of teaching my daughter that, regardless of circumstances, obstacles or sacrifices we will face in the future, I realize that on the other side of shame there is victory, promise and the truth. 

Raegan, the lesson is this my sweet girl. I came out from that dark place by faith and kept pressing, kept living, kept rejoicing because of you. I learned that I could not hide from Love.

XoXo,

Mama