What Took You So Long?

I am not the most decisive person.

In fact, I overthink even the simplest decisions. It’s ridiculous! As far as I can remember I’ve procrastinated with so many things, simply because I could not make up my mind. What I’ve learned in recent years is that it is not that I do not know what I want. I know exactly what I want. The problem is that I have been afraid of expectation. I do not want to disappoint, even if it is not something I particularly want to do. I do not like conflict, contrary to popular belief depending on who you ask. I absolutely cannot handle being misunderstood. So as best as I can, I’ve avoided making any decisions that will put me in a situation where this can occur. To be honest in so many ways it has been to my own detriment. And yet, it has brought me so far in learning myself.

Looking back I missed so many opportunities because I allowed this cancer called insecurity to have so much control over my decision making. I know we like to say “what’s meant to be will be” and while I do believe this to be true, the fact of the matter is, we do miss what could be if we choose to go the other way. If we choose not to follow our intuition, we can miss something. While we may still reach the goal at some point, the journey itself can look a lot different than it would, had we chosen otherwise. Would it have been easier or more difficult, we may never know.

For me, I can’t help but think that it has definitely been a more difficult journey. Some of us need that to grow. It has caused me to wrestle within for so long. With every decision I did not make, that I know I should have, or a goal I left unfinished I added to the struggle that did not have to be. It became more and more difficult for me to overcome these fears of disappointment and the stronghold that insecurity had on me.

I rarely share my deepest thoughts.

I have always used writing as a means to express how I feel. It has long been my outlet. How to adequately express myself in verbal conversation has never been my strongpoint. Unless of course I was angry, then I could tell you and anyone else who needed to be told exactly how I felt, and how they felt at the same time as a matter of fact. Somehow, this indecisive woman, who was afraid to disappoint, has always had a way with words that allowed me to bring all those thoughts together in such a way that made sense to me. I would feel almost crazy in my thoughts, but once I began to write it was like a puzzle, the pieces coming together beautifully.

My thoughts that become written words are very special to me. However, writing is the very thing that I feel the most compelled to do at this point in my life. Not to just keep writing, but to share. Will this make me some eloquent writer equipped to express myself so deep that I can give my muse Zora Neale Hurston a run for her money? I wish! Will I go on to become an influential woman of this current day? Who knows? Is this platform going to revolutionize the communication between women who may not agree on everything, but somehow form a sisterhood we so need right now, to realize the power of our influence in our homes, work places, churches and anywhere else it can be felt. I pray it does.

Bubbling Brooke derives from a desire to spark conversations between mother and daughter, sisters, best friends and even the most casual of encounters. In hopes that we will dig deep, ask ourselves those hard questions, and be brutally honest about our insecurities and heartbreaks. All the while adjusting our crowns when they tilt and if they so happen to fall off, never being afraid to pick them back up.

Over the years I have found that it is very necessary to create something that comes from your soul. Something that only you know is a gift from God. It is the gift of expression to heal yourself, and others if you can. In retrospect I can see so many moments, while insignificant on their own, collectively they’ve brought me here, to a place of vulnerability. Once I allowed myself to feel that vulnerability without the fear of disappointment, the chains began to loosen. There can be no stronghold where you accept the one thing about yourself the enemy wants you to deny and then use against you.

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So, what took me so long?

I was not ready to say “yes” to the pull that prompted me to share the one thing that I held dear. The one thing I could control and yet could cause me to be the most misunderstood.

I was not ready to share my words.

Truth is, maybe I am still not ready for what will become of this new journey. What I do know is that I have made up my mind. And for me, that alone is a victory in itself.

BB