Healing Out Loud

On 12/16/2018 at 11:27pm I delivered my daughter 5 ½ weeks early. Raegan was born weighing an even 6lbs, healthy and strong. My miracle was here taking her first breath, crying her first cry, looking me in the eyes. Life as hard as it had been the previous months was proving it could also be generous. That last part; life is generous is a statement I heard before but hadn’t come to the realization of what it could mean.

It’s still hard to process the last year of my life. This time last year began my journey of what would become by far my most difficult to overcome. If you were a Bubbling Brooke reader you know I had to overcome some heartbreak and disappointment that took me to some places. Both high and low. My last post  Finding My Heartbeat After A Breakdown was 8 months ago! It was what I thought to be my victory lap. In some ways it was. I had fought to get back to a place of peace with all I had endured. Feelings of resentment, disappointment and even some guilt had been consuming me to the point that I couldn’t even recognize myself. But what I thought was a war won was only a battle. A necessary battle, nevertheless. It would prepare me for what I would face next.

There are some dreams and fears you truly can’t fathom until they become reality. There are some joys and pains that must be experienced before they can be understood.

Not long after my victory I found out I was expecting my first child and that my father was diagnosed with stage four cancer. Life was once again proving to be hard and generous at the same time. The next few months would require of me something I didn’t know I had. I would have my greatest joy and deepest fear run parallel through my heart and I would have to survive what I couldn’t fully understand. There is no comfort when you are living in constant fear of losing someone you never thought you would so soon. There is nothing joyous about a reality when it involves a nightmare. Yet, I had moments where I could embrace my pregnancy but the cloud hovering over my head was constant. Even with the idea of me becoming a mother now being a reality I struggled with it. Even though it was my dream. Along with the normal anxieties every expecting mother may experience to some degree, I was losing my parent. Overwhelmed is an understatement.  I was watching him daily battle something that was getting progressively worse. While my baby was developing my heart was breaking. Feelings of guilt buried me often because her miracle wasn’t enough to silence my fears. I know now that it was her life that ultimately gave me the strength to get up each day and face that fear. It was her that enabled me to cherish what would only be two short months that we had with our dad. My sister and I both endured and overcame what should have killed us. And if we can do that, we can survive anything.

What I learned about healing this past year is that it is not done in secret. It is not subtle no matter how hard you try. It will show. Sometimes it is ugly and hard full of tears and breakdowns. Other times it looks like a good selfcare Sunday consisting of a bubble bath and a good book to read. Either way it should be embraced.  From the moment I acknowledged the heartbreak I experienced to facing the fear of losing my parent and the anxiety associated with expecting my first child, I chose to heal out loud. It did not always feel as though I was healing, it often felt like more pain was being endured. My personal life suffered, blogging no longer was something I could focus on. I couldn’t be transparent about something so difficult. I could not share something so private at the time.  There were days I could barely function at work and days I was like a robot without feelings when it came to my relationships. The phases I went through all were crucial to me being able to share these words.

There was nothing subtle about this journey. Family and friends, co-workers and even strangers all experienced it with me. I couldn’t silence it even if I wanted to. I wouldn’t have made it through if I had tried. The support I received was just as important to me as the courage it took to keep living when there was a part of me dying. As difficult as healing may be there is always something to look to. Hope. Hope is a sure thing and for me that was my faith knowing that God is able to heal and Raegan. I had to be reassured that apart from mercy there is no grace.

February 16 my daughter will be 2 months old. On the same date last year, I journaled these words

I caught a certain wave
I rode it with confidence
It has buried me
I have fought my way to the top gasping for air
I have roared with victory
I have been silenced by overwhelming sorrow
Still I do not know which was more felt
Could it be that I have been engulfed in my intent to endure?
Now all my emotions are rolled up into one
Moment by moment and no one is more apparent than the next
I have confessed from my soul
I have prayed in the spirit
I have asked for forgiveness out of my brokenness
I have given praise from the tops of my lungs
Hallelujah and Lord have mercy have both been my song

Since then my sister and I have buried our father and we’ve both given birth to real-life miracles.

I’ve been healing out loud through this platform, my journal and every tear I have cried both in secret and on the willing shoulders of others.

As I continue to do so I am most grateful for the realization of knowing that even when life is hard it is also generous.

I’ve missed this. It feels good to be back!!

Xoxo
B

Finding My Heartbeat After a Breakdown

I cannot believe that it is already May!!! I don’t know where the time is going but it is clearly not waiting for me to catch up. Every now and then I have to remind myself to pick my head up and look around to take inventory of my life. Life has been quite the rollercoaster as you all know from my posts this year, so I feel compelled to bring you all up to date.

Still here!!

Still choosing joy but it has not been easy. I’d be less than truthful if I painted that superwoman picture. I have been getting my butt kicked yet in the end I’m winning the war. So then again, maybe I do have an S on my chest. But that S is for SUPERNATURAL. That’s the only way I can process these victories against the attack on my life and the peace that I’ve gained.

Coping mechanisms vary from person to person. Specifically, as women I think we do our very best to cope with our heartaches and internal wrestling matches as best we can. We may never reveal them but we are fully engaged. We’re born into this world as predetermined super women but sometimes there isn’t enough in us alone to do so. We need help. We try all kinds of things to help us keep up face and push through. I think this is why Solange’s “Cranes in the Sky” resonates so well with us. We try everything. I tried everything to get me through this year. It wasn’t until I finally broke and had my eyes opened that I realized I was doing exactly what the enemy of my soul wanted me to do. Lose my whole mind but not realize it because I was trying any and everything I could to suppress my true feelings: to drink it away, shop it away, cry it away, and even love it away. I forgot that flowers need both the sun and the rain to grow and most importantly they need a little dirt!!!

I started this blog to be transparent and ask the hard questions in hopes that I would encourage women to do the same no matter how different we may be. At the end of the day we all will experience some pain and we have to realize that if we aren’t careful we can do ourselves a disservice by trying to be so strong. So strong that we become oblivious to just how weak we are. For me the mental strains of it all was too much. I will always empathize with those whose mental state is at risk for whatever the reason may be. I do not take for granted my ability to recognize when I am losing  my grip. The most fragile flower has strength in it to grow and endure simply because that is the way it was designed. We are fragile flowers who were designed to endure hard times, nurture by nature and rebuild what has been broken. It is not always a walk in the park.

It was not that I was not being honest or my life was a lie based on what I displayed. It was very accurate. I was still living. I still had to function at a high level despite my emotions. That was the deception. The calm before the actual storm until things got progressively worse. I had nights of endless crying, longer party and drunken nights of not even remembering how I got home and days of utter confusion. Nothing was making sense and as a result I held so much resentment towards myself. If you think getting over resentment towards someone else is difficult let me tell you!! This all occurred before I came to my senses literally. I had been holding my breath in a battle for my life in every capacity. It’s not easy for me to acknowledge that I let this go this far because I had been trying my best to keep things in perspective and keep my expectations as realistic as possible but I failed. I failed big time. It’s like when you have a good idea but poor execution. It just won’t work.

The butterfly could never accurately describe the cocoon experience. Therefore, no matter how much of my circumstance were known or I could’ve shared, what I was experiencing was warfare to say the least. There is nothing pretty about war of any kind. I didn’t just let my guard down, I took it off. I forgot that I have three enemies: the world, the devil and the flesh. You may be reading this and will disagree and that’s fine. I respect everyone’s position on these matters of spirituality. But as for me, I forgot about this old flesh. I was prepared for the world and its devices, and the devil and his attempts to steal my joy, but my very own flesh (this includes the heart and mind) was getting the best of me on the battlefield. I had lost all control.  I forgot just how strong it is. I forgot that pride comes before destruction. Sometimes we have to break. Sometimes we have to go too far.

In early March I booked a trip to Seattle to visit one of my girlfriends mid-April. I had no idea the timing would be perfect. A few days before the trip I got real honest with myself. I had some time of reflection that showed how much of the truth I’d distorted, how much pride had lifted up in me and how I had forgotten that everything I receive in this life, even my suffering is mercy. Some people leave battles better and some leave the battle worse than they were before. We all leave seeing things differently.

During my time in Seattle I visited a Tulip Festival. Tulips are my absolute favorite flower. I walked an entire field and beheld rows and rows of red, purple, white, yellow, orange and some multicolored. It was the skittles of Tulips and the most beautiful thing I had seen in a long time. This was no small thing. It was a reminder to never forget what joy truly is. What makes me happy and how much of this life I live is so good. I had won the war. It came at a cost as they all do but the reward far outweighs any casualty. I found my heartbeat in a field of flowers and finally took a deep breath.

Rejoice in the victory today!

Be Blessed

B

 

 

 

35th Birthday Edition: The Difference|Brokenness vs Bitterness

I always celebrate my birthday in one way or another but a whole birthday party is usually not the move.

The last birthday party I had was when I turned twenty-five. Can we say LIT!!!! So I guess it’s safe to say that every ten years I throw myself a real live party! Thirty-five has come and gone but let me say that my last minute party was right on time. True it was a distraction from life and its troubles but isn’t that what most celebrations are in some form or fashion. I welcomed the distraction. But now that the dust has settled and I am back to living my real life apart from the dancing for three hours straight in Giuseppe heels and fitted sequenced dress I have to deal with my emotions and what not. Story of my life, huh?! You will not master something by neglecting it though.

I am thirty five years old and every time I say it out loud it goes one or two ways; I rejoice in that I have made it this far (Lord knows I could’ve been somewhere altogether different) or I start focusing on my disappointments and pains, naturally so.

Most of the time my heart is on my sleeve either beating strong or bleeding but sometimes I put a little wall around it. Wall or no wall it still feels so deeply every single thing. Always have and I gather it always will. Since this is my state I’ve had to learn to be intentional about how I respond to certain situations. Physical muscles won’t form themselves and neither will spiritual and emotional muscles. As fragile as the heart is and mine especially, I still would rather have a broken heart over a bitter one any day. To most that doesn’t sound like much of a choice but trust me there is a difference. My initials may be BB but I don’t want them to stand for “Bitter Brooke”! Been there, not going back.

The heart that is broken has the promise of healing to see it through the process of each broken piece coming back together to form an even stronger heart than before. It will beat again.

The bitter heart has yet to realize its need to be broken and healed. It forsakes the power of rejuvenation and its own ability to overcome all that is trying to destroy it from within.

What separates the broken and the bitter heart from one another is forgiveness and forgiveness alone. Although the journey to get there is uncomfortable and must be taken again and again it’s necessary. At first glance the broken heart and bitter heart appear to be identical because the pain feels the same. Be that as it may, healing will only come after forgiveness and what is not broken has no realization of its true state of infirmity.

Love comes slowly, then we fall so hard and yet when tried it goes so fast. Why? Because we are not willing to allow our brokenness to show us ourselves. Yes, even when someone has hurt you, there is something to see in yourself if you are to grow from the situation. Mary J Blige said it best in one of her songs

“You gotta love like you’ve never been hurt to find the love that you deserve. Be indestructible”

Unfortunately, we’d rather hold onto the pain slowly suffocating the life out of us and then wonder how we’ve become so cold.

I refuse.

Instead I choose to prosper through my pain and live! That’s my gift to myself every year. A promise to continue to embrace my brokenness regardless how it came about. Whether it came as a result of my self-inflicted pain or someone else’s treatment of me. The power is still in my response. I cannot afford to relinquish it to circumstances. I like expensive things but not if it costs me my joy.

There is no merit for me in choosing this path for my life, I am not super woman, and I am not striving to be perfect. I do realize the mercies of God enables the steps I take over each stepping stone of insecurity, anger, disappointment, rejection and all other less attractive experiences I’ve had in these thirty-five years. I am fragile and after the celebratory highs fade and that old bitterness tries to take root in the foundation of my heart, I am getting better with recognizing it and taking action. Better with age or nah?!!

Let me be clear, I am not bitter heart proof, none of us are but what I know for sure at thirty-five that maybe I wasn’t totally convinced of at twenty-five, is that hope is a sure thing and as the broken heart relies on the promise of healing, it in return willingly forgives.

Be Blessed

B

Btween Us: When the Comforter Needs Comforting

I wanted my first blog post of 2018 to be about 2017 reflection and what I had lined up for this year. But life happens and as much as I’ve debated over this past week on actually sharing these thoughts, I’ve come to realize this platform was created for me to do just that. So here I am. January has been very difficult spiritually, emotionally, psychologically the whole entire family of ally’s ok!!! Full of fiery trials but in the midst of it all I’m reminded that I am gold….SOLID GOLD. My joy remains full! When we pray for joy and to be strong and ready we never know how that test will come about. Joy is not dependent upon circumstances and feelings in order to be claimed.  It is truth I must affirm in myself daily and sometimes it feels more like moment for moment. Trials are set before me just like everyone else. None of us are exempt. How you perceive the trials is totally up to you.

We set our minds to do so many things that we often forget they also need to be rested. The heart we depend on to enable us to give so much to others begins to run on empty and must be refilled. This is not something that just happens automatically. Doers don’t just do because it’s easy or natural they are intentional. Givers don’t give because there are not sacrifices involved. Lovers do not exhaust themselves of continually choosing to love because they have no other option. These are all conscious choices we make and when life comes at us out of the blue, it may require of us to fold and other times to fuel.

The individuals that choose to fold are not the weaker vessel compared to those that fuel. There are times when you will have to lay down some things in your life: a goal, a lover, a desire. The discernment to know when to fold and how to fuel through is what I’ve been intentional about cultivating a heart for most of my adult life. How do you know if you are truly fearless if you are never faced with the option of being fearful? One of my 2018 Life Words is “Become”.  All that I’ve endured throughout life has been about me becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be. This current test is no different.  We have been deceived into thinking that those who seem to have everything they’ve always wanted are God’s chosen. That they must be doing everything right and those of us who are still waiting on our “blessing” have done something wrong and as a consequence we’re being punished or just forgotten about altogether. I hope anyone who may be in this season along with me will never ever adopt that mentality because it is a lie.  You are not forgotten but you may very well be in a season of discipline and if you love God that is rule # 1 that we must understand. God disciplines and prunes the lives of his children like any good father would! God is sovereign! No matter what the common cliché of today says “Just Speak things into existence.” We must remember that if that thing does not come to fruition he is still good. I am not here to preach or maybe I am…..who knows LOL?!! I’m not certain on a lot of things these days and good thing I don’t need to be.

I get a little weary when people say to me “you’re so strong” or “if anyone can handle this you can.” I should find comfort in that they see me this light but instead it leaves me with a vulnerable mindset. On one hand I’m prone to adopt a self-inflicted expectation to make the right decision which is the decision a “strong” person would make.  Who determines that exactly?? On the other hand I am motivated to make the right decision for me. That alone adds to the pressure of really working through the emotions I am dealing with. So that I am fully confident in my decision regardless of what others may think or how difficult it may be.

“Breathe” is another 2018 Life Word. Personal trials reveal just how much we take for granted unknowingly. This past month my breathing pattern has become something that once was an after thought but there have been days when it too required my attention and intention at times. There were moments that I was so overwhelmed and captivated by my own thoughts it was almost as if I had just stopped altogether. I didn’t but somebody feels me. Pain will do that to you. Make you realize your heart is actually beating and air is flowing through your lungs. You’re not just here but you are living. I was reminded that I am capable of feeling something that impactful and somehow still able to find joy in life. Tears and all.

In my own little world I am most often the comforter. Let me be clear, it is not because I never need comforting. I realized I was a comforter as a young girl in my friendships and as I got older how I began to feel the pain I inflicted on others. I’ve been tender and strong. It’s a balance but it does not come without cost. I have an amazing tribe of comforters.  But with being a comforter it is almost unnatural to seek comfort initially when things get rough. I have to work through so much internally and process my feelings before I can even begin to share what I may be going through. A lot of this has to do with my perspective on life and its troubles.

Some pain is guaranteed

It’s a simple complex in that the “pain” can be perceived in general or specifically.

Some pain: there is a certain amount of pain we will experience in life

Some pain: a specific pain such as loss of a family member, heart break over a relationship or friendship that ended badly.

This is not me having a super pious attitude towards life that never leaves me wanting to question God about why certain things happen in the world and in my own personal life. The reality is that we just have to endure as best we can and trust that what is on the other side of what we’re feeling at the moment is our true destination. We do not have to stay in a place of uncertainty and fear of not knowing if whether or not the pain we are currently experiencing will subside. It will, if we allow it to. There are some things people have had to endure that I am not sure I could survive. Then there are circumstances in my life I have overcome that have turned people cold as ice. Everyone is different.

How do I comfort myself in times like these when life comes out of the blue you might ask? I don’t, I cannot. At best I just feel and I pray. Not only for it to just pass quickly but for me to realize I need the same mercy and grace my situation may be requiring me to extend to someone else or to myself for that matter. It may be to get through the anger, sadness, guilt, shame or maybe even humiliation and not wanting to be pitied by anyone. Whatever it may be I allow myself to feel everything and deeply, especially when I thought I knew how I’d respond if ever faced with a particular situation. If I can be honest I’ve felt disappointed in myself for not doing so. I’ve matured enough to know, that my friend is nothing but ugly old pride flaring up!  Spirit and flesh wrestle all day every day. Ultimately it is up to us to determine who we’re going to serve at any given moment. I have a choice to make. I can fight it and force the anger into a position of power or I can allow the less appealing emotions of empathy and compassion that may almost seem unfair to me to reign. This is truly the only way I know how to determine if it’s time to fold and lay something down or fuel my way through. I cannot do that outside of myself; outside of counseling my own heart with truth first.

I realize in today’s blogger arena it’s almost a requirement to share your experiences in detail in order to be relatable and gain likes or whatever. I disagree and hold the position firmly that some experiences must be felt privately for a while. For now it’s just me and God working through some things. It’s him dealing with me and me still fueling to say “yes Lord” no matter how much I do not understand about this test or wish I was exempt from it. Without the fire there is no gold.

Today it may be empathy and sadness, possibly even some peace that I am feeling the most; tomorrow it may be something altogether different. No matter what my current feelings are I do find comfort in that my heart and mind can rest knowing I have the choice to choose joy. Because one thing is certain, some pain is guaranteed.

B

Dream Girl: Be Brave and Finish Strong

Bubbling Brooke is almost 1!! Last weekend I spent about two hours reading all my posts and just reveling in the fact that in this short time I have experienced so many incredible moments. I am thankful for the highs and the lows.  I sat on my couch reading and cheering myself on as if it were my very first time seeing those words! It is such an amazing feeling knowing that I have been able to accomplish something so meaningful. It is safe to say I’ve been living. There’s no better testament to that than the daily battles we endure. What started as me simply wanting to engage in something that would be therapeutic for me, has turned into so much more than I could’ve ever imagined. I’ve always prayed to be strong and very courageous in my life. but fell short on may occasions. I want to fully trust God with my insecurities and fears. I want to write transparently and fearlessly. My one goal for 2017 was to be BRAVE! Brave enough to not fear being misunderstood. That was one of my biggest fears prior to sharing my words and ultimately my perspective. Truth is I have only scratched the surface. Each day I am faced with a decision to write or not to write. Most importantly I am faced with the decision to be authentically Brooke or to be molded by outside influences and discouraged by my own self-inflicted insecurities.

As young girls some of us dream of being a doctor, some dream of being a mother, and some even the President of the United States. I am no exception. I too am a Dream Girl. I used to want to be a teacher. I’ve always wanted to teach out of love but that soon faded when I realized it takes a compassionate yet emotionally strong person to teach adolescents. I’d be too invested emotionally with what a teacher experiences on a day to day basis. When I got the desire to write a book years ago I knew what I wanted to say but I didn’t know how or to whom I would share it with. My target audience was not something I even knew I needed. What I did know and what I’ve had to reaffirm in myself more frequently than I like to admit, is that I do have enough valuable words to accomplish the goal. The good news is I realize that my value is determined by me and no one else.  Designer labels do not ask the consumer what they should charge for their products so why should I wait for someone else to tell me if what I have to write is valuable or not? There’s an audience for everyone.

Throughout this journey I started realizing that with each post I was sharing contents of my “Dream Book”. Surprisingly this discouraged me from writing.  I refer to it as my “Dream Book” because that is exactly where I began pouring out the words to form the sentences which formed chapters. My daydreams consisted of chapter after chapter being written in my head. I’d fall asleep doing the same. What I failed to do was actually put them onto paper. As a result, the ideas would come and go but thankfully the desire remained. Blogging was me proving to myself that I could do it. I could actually turn my thoughts into something tangible. The feedback has been so humbling. It mostly has come from those who have known me for years and unfortunately have experienced me in the worst ways at times. To read and hear their words of encouragement and appreciation for me being myself is priceless. You cannot take for granted the willingness of those who choose to see you as a light and to embrace you as such. There is so much negativity being put out into the atmosphere and being received in people’s hearts nowadays. It’s a cold world we live in and amongst women it can be the coldest.

There are women who want to help in one way or another. It’s human nature for us to want to be used for some greater good. My Instagram feed is filled with women who have taken a leap of faith and are now being used in the most amazing ways. Sisters are being encouraged and finding themselves accomplishing their goals left and right. You go girl!! I definitely benefit from those women being willing to share their experience and expertise. On the other hand it can also leave you feeling as if there isn’t any room for you to add value. This is kind of where I still struggle with the idea of becoming an author.

In one my very first posts You Are What You Speak  I introduced #PSA (Pretty. Smart. Affirmed). It is one of those ideas that have remained throughout this journey.  It is what I feel is the best way to categorize what I want to write about: outer beauty, intellect and our significance/value. These are the areas we all are plagued with insecurity at some point in our lives. Either you’re too pretty or not pretty enough; too smart or not smart enough and lastly you’re either overcompensating for past guilt and shame or unable to see the ugliness of your ways. We are a beautiful complex work of art!

For the past three months I was faced with some tough decisions regarding making my “Dream Book” a reality. I want to write so badly but I kept finding myself in this place of uncertainty. Truthfully, I have been so uncomfortable. A constant wrestling of spirit because of me wavering from my passion and purpose now that they’ve aligned. Many of us find our purpose in our passions. They are not same thing however. One is something you do the other is someone you are. If you’re going to walk in your purpose you have to be a little selfish. You must feed the passion to fuel the purpose. I was beginning to revert back to feeling obligated to everyone else first and me second, including my corporate job. I was being drained and had no desire to write (passion). If I didn’t write there would be no “Dream Book” to encourage women to look within themselves and realize they can be brave (purpose).

Anxiety is real no matter how much our community wants to deny it but for me so is Jesus. And even still, I must do the work and keep pressing on. Regardless of who/what you believe in, we can all agree that it is a universal fact, focusing on your circumstances and trials won’t benefit you in accomplishing your goals. I choose to believe the promise! The promise is not that there will not be trials or days when I am afraid. There are going to be days when I am going full speed ahead crushing my goals. The other days consist of me running on empty and everyone is getting on my nerves. However, if I keep in mind that my writing is not for me to get the praise but it is first and foremost for God to get all the glory, I can keep a healthy perspective. There is no true purpose apart from this truth. I was hesitant to share that early on in my blogging journey. Why? I was choosing to believe the lie that said I had nothing to share that was worth God’s glory. How wrong was I?!! How could I not when the desire was never mine to begin with. The seed was planted in my heart and has been watered with each step made along my journey. Every ounce of grace and mercy I’ve been the recipient of has nourished this dream of mine up until this very moment.

As I approach this milestone year I can say that I am not just a girl with a dream to become a published author but I am brave enough to pursue it and see it through to fruition. The desire won’t fade when it is driven by faith. What I’ve come to realize is where you find perfection is in completion. Even if I stumble across the finish line, I still finished strong!

Be BRAVE!!!!!!!

B