Btween Us: When the Comforter Needs Comforting

I wanted my first blog post of 2018 to be about 2017 reflection and what I had lined up for this year. But life happens and as much as I’ve debated over this past week on actually sharing these thoughts, I’ve come to realize this platform was created for me to do just that. So here I am. January has been very difficult spiritually, emotionally, psychologically the whole entire family of ally’s ok!!! Full of fiery trials but in the midst of it all I’m reminded that I am gold….SOLID GOLD. My joy remains full! When we pray for joy and to be strong and ready we never know how that test will come about. Joy is not dependent upon circumstances and feelings in order to be claimed.  It is truth I must affirm in myself daily and sometimes it feels more like moment for moment. Trials are set before me just like everyone else. None of us are exempt. How you perceive the trials is totally up to you.

We set our minds to do so many things that we often forget they also need to be rested. The heart we depend on to enable us to give so much to others begins to run on empty and must be refilled. This is not something that just happens automatically. Doers don’t just do because it’s easy or natural they are intentional. Givers don’t give because there are not sacrifices involved. Lovers do not exhaust themselves of continually choosing to love because they have no other option. These are all conscious choices we make and when life comes at us out of the blue, it may require of us to fold and other times to fuel.

The individuals that choose to fold are not the weaker vessel compared to those that fuel. There are times when you will have to lay down some things in your life: a goal, a lover, a desire. The discernment to know when to fold and how to fuel through is what I’ve been intentional about cultivating a heart for most of my adult life. How do you know if you are truly fearless if you are never faced with the option of being fearful? One of my 2018 Life Words is “Become”.  All that I’ve endured throughout life has been about me becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be. This current test is no different.  We have been deceived into thinking that those who seem to have everything they’ve always wanted are God’s chosen. That they must be doing everything right and those of us who are still waiting on our “blessing” have done something wrong and as a consequence we’re being punished or just forgotten about altogether. I hope anyone who may be in this season along with me will never ever adopt that mentality because it is a lie.  You are not forgotten but you may very well be in a season of discipline and if you love God that is rule # 1 that we must understand. God disciplines and prunes the lives of his children like any good father would! God is sovereign! No matter what the common cliché of today says “Just Speak things into existence.” We must remember that if that thing does not come to fruition he is still good. I am not here to preach or maybe I am…..who knows LOL?!! I’m not certain on a lot of things these days and good thing I don’t need to be.

I get a little weary when people say to me “you’re so strong” or “if anyone can handle this you can.” I should find comfort in that they see me this light but instead it leaves me with a vulnerable mindset. On one hand I’m prone to adopt a self-inflicted expectation to make the right decision which is the decision a “strong” person would make.  Who determines that exactly?? On the other hand I am motivated to make the right decision for me. That alone adds to the pressure of really working through the emotions I am dealing with. So that I am fully confident in my decision regardless of what others may think or how difficult it may be.

“Breathe” is another 2018 Life Word. Personal trials reveal just how much we take for granted unknowingly. This past month my breathing pattern has become something that once was an after thought but there have been days when it too required my attention and intention at times. There were moments that I was so overwhelmed and captivated by my own thoughts it was almost as if I had just stopped altogether. I didn’t but somebody feels me. Pain will do that to you. Make you realize your heart is actually beating and air is flowing through your lungs. You’re not just here but you are living. I was reminded that I am capable of feeling something that impactful and somehow still able to find joy in life. Tears and all.

In my own little world I am most often the comforter. Let me be clear, it is not because I never need comforting. I realized I was a comforter as a young girl in my friendships and as I got older how I began to feel the pain I inflicted on others. I’ve been tender and strong. It’s a balance but it does not come without cost. I have an amazing tribe of comforters.  But with being a comforter it is almost unnatural to seek comfort initially when things get rough. I have to work through so much internally and process my feelings before I can even begin to share what I may be going through. A lot of this has to do with my perspective on life and its troubles.

Some pain is guaranteed

It’s a simple complex in that the “pain” can be perceived in general or specifically.

Some pain: there is a certain amount of pain we will experience in life

Some pain: a specific pain such as loss of a family member, heart break over a relationship or friendship that ended badly.

This is not me having a super pious attitude towards life that never leaves me wanting to question God about why certain things happen in the world and in my own personal life. The reality is that we just have to endure as best we can and trust that what is on the other side of what we’re feeling at the moment is our true destination. We do not have to stay in a place of uncertainty and fear of not knowing if whether or not the pain we are currently experiencing will subside. It will, if we allow it to. There are some things people have had to endure that I am not sure I could survive. Then there are circumstances in my life I have overcome that have turned people cold as ice. Everyone is different.

How do I comfort myself in times like these when life comes out of the blue you might ask? I don’t, I cannot. At best I just feel and I pray. Not only for it to just pass quickly but for me to realize I need the same mercy and grace my situation may be requiring me to extend to someone else or to myself for that matter. It may be to get through the anger, sadness, guilt, shame or maybe even humiliation and not wanting to be pitied by anyone. Whatever it may be I allow myself to feel everything and deeply, especially when I thought I knew how I’d respond if ever faced with a particular situation. If I can be honest I’ve felt disappointed in myself for not doing so. I’ve matured enough to know, that my friend is nothing but ugly old pride flaring up!  Spirit and flesh wrestle all day every day. Ultimately it is up to us to determine who we’re going to serve at any given moment. I have a choice to make. I can fight it and force the anger into a position of power or I can allow the less appealing emotions of empathy and compassion that may almost seem unfair to me to reign. This is truly the only way I know how to determine if it’s time to fold and lay something down or fuel my way through. I cannot do that outside of myself; outside of counseling my own heart with truth first.

I realize in today’s blogger arena it’s almost a requirement to share your experiences in detail in order to be relatable and gain likes or whatever. I disagree and hold the position firmly that some experiences must be felt privately for a while. For now it’s just me and God working through some things. It’s him dealing with me and me still fueling to say “yes Lord” no matter how much I do not understand about this test or wish I was exempt from it. Without the fire there is no gold.

Today it may be empathy and sadness, possibly even some peace that I am feeling the most; tomorrow it may be something altogether different. No matter what my current feelings are I do find comfort in that my heart and mind can rest knowing I have the choice to choose joy. Because one thing is certain, some pain is guaranteed.

B