BTween Us: Woman to Woman Conflict and Why We Need It

 

Yesterday in a text to one of my good friends I told her that the title for a blog post “Woman to Woman” kept popping up in my head. I followed that with “But I don’t want to write it.” What I have learned is that is usually the very thing I should write. I should be sharing what’s on my heart, in my head and what’s making me uneasy in my gut. So I will do my best at condensing what will be expounded on at a later date because I have many thoughts on this.

Honestly, the concept of writing an open letter to women in general has always been an idea that lead to  me starting this blog. I want to be the conversation starter. I am not driven by the “How to” aspect of blogging necessarily. I’m more geared toward now that you’ve read this, you tell me how you feel. Is your perspective clear? Did this make you ask yourself the hard questions AND drive you towards answering them with transparency no matter how uncomfortable it may be?

That’s my goal.

What woman to woman means to me is, I am going to speak to you from my point of view and I want you to speak to me from yours. The goal is to have this conversation that will enlighten and enable us to better understand and if we cannot understand the actions behind the other person’s why, the gem is still found in being willing to listen. I may not agree with another woman’s perspective but I realize her convictions, her confidence level, her vulnerabilities and her history have all shaped that for her. We have to stop placing our perspective onto others as though our paths have all been the same. And even if it were so, we have different hearts that produce different results.

I am not sure when I began to be intentional about taking this approach when faced with a conflict or misunderstanding between me and another woman regardless of the role she plays in my life. I am sure being raised in a female dominated family and household consisting of my mother and my two sisters had a lot to do with it. I was not always the most understanding. In fact I was not giving a damn about anyone else’s feelings other than my own for the majority of my life. I was an angry little woman. Deep down inside there was this force of compassion I was burying because I was hurt. I kept my guard up on the outside but would be torn up on the inside.  I am forever grateful for the seed having been watered by maybe my own tears of guilt, shame and regret . Nevertheless it has bloomed into something beautiful in my spirit. I do not take it for granted.

Most women are hurt.

That hurt will drive us to exercise compassion and understanding, not to be confused with passivity.  Or it will drive us to develop these attitudes of entitlement and bully tendencies. These are then directed towards not only other women but unfortunately, the men in our lives and in some very bad cases even our children. Hurt people hurt people and a woman scorned is a high hurdle to get over. Nothing is impossible but it doesn’t come without a cost. When we are hurt and refuse to see ourselves past that blurred vision of “woe is me” any and everyone can feel the wrath. Therefore, if you are going to overcome the obstacles you’ll have to set aside some pride.

There is this movement amongst women today that when genuine is really a sight to see. Women lifting each other up, supporting one another in business and all kinds of endeavors. A whole sister circle. However, like most things, this is most often when everyone is on the same accord. Not so much when the women do not look like you, or dress like you, or have the same goals as you. You definitely are not seeing it when another woman has hurt you and if you ask me this is when it  is to be exercised the most.

As lovely as the idea may be, I am not a fan of this utopia that is being portrayed because it is not realistic. We are not all going to get along. The better news is that, in order to prosper and function with good mental health we do not have to. There is no future in your fronting ok! We are going to be faced with situations that will try us in the worst way and that is when you get to see the kind of woman someone is. More importantly, you see the kind of woman you are. At the end of the day your feelings won’t always be taken into consideration but that does not mean you have to bury them.  How will you respond to that friend that betrayed you, that name calling, that petty woman in your world who is hell bent on making your life miserable?

I’m certain most of us have had an encounter that has brought out of us some ugliness and at the same time it may have been justifiable considering the circumstances. Fast forward to today we might handle it differently. Maybe. What I will say is that as you grow these are the scenarios that help you help someone else inadvertently. In my 20’s I responded totally different than I would now. Trust me I know. SMH! This came with me first and foremost realizing I have all the power to win! Not because I am in competition with someone else, or to say I got the last word with a good read but to win the battle of self-control.

Woman to woman is a two way street. Play your part. Being willing to listen to the other woman without being defensive will resolve a lot of conflict. It’s not easy to listen to that friend who started acting funny, or your co-worker who just doesn’t like you. It’s not easy to listen to a family member who only points out your faults and never acknowledges your accomplishments. Let us not forget that other woman who came to you as a woman. Chile, who wants to listen to her?? Whatever the case, whoever the woman is she needs you to listen. It may take a while. It may be that you actually never get to have that conversation. We can learn a lot about a person in more ways than just listening to the words spoken directly to us. Actions speak just as loud. Pay attention. We all in one way or another will expose our hurt to each other and if you stop and listen you’re going to realize that most of the time it really has nothing to do with you directly. You are not the root of the problem but there may very well be something in you that triggers this person. You can become the vessel to help another woman heal if you truly desire to and it starts with you.

At the end of the day the most important woman to woman you will have is with the one in the mirror.

I am who I am because I have a desire to be this way. As the saying goes “Cause no harm but take no sh!t”. I have cultivated this heart to be able to walk this earth as best I can and to not intentionally hurt another woman. I’ve done enough of that in my life time. Just as I’ve endured enough. It’s called balance I guess. When I do fall short I am quicker to recognize my wrong and decide how to move forward than I was in the past. Yes, I’ve given apologies that may have been too late. It gets easier once you realize you are not responsible for the acceptance of the apology. I’ve dealt with women who have tried to hurt me with their words and actions. I’ve had to exercise some extreme self-control when my marital status and motherhood status has been used as ammunition to cause me pain. Truth is it did just that. I never understood why any woman who has received these blessings would use it to hurt another woman who has not.  Am I striving to be friends with a women who attacks me below the belt or period.  Absolutely not!!  But what I have gotten much better at is going high. You have to get to the point to where you are too good for certain things.

Your possessions, your accolades, beauty and whatever else wood, stubble and hay you rely on that won’t stand the test of fire do not make you a good woman.  You need to go a little deeper than that.  Who is good anyways???  I just choose differently than some in this area but this doesn’t change the fact that I have many ways about me that I need to check daily.

Some simple but effective questions I ask myself when being tested are:

  1. Will you listen to this other woman who disagrees with your perspective?
  2. Will you help another woman become better by not engaging in the back and forth in order to prove a point?
  3. Are you willing to exercise compassion when the insecurities of another causes them to be nasty towards you?

It is not easy but if we are going to survive in this not so perfect world of women someone is going to have to go high without looking down on those who choose not to.  Someone is going to have to look past their own hurt and realize there is an opportunity to lead by example. Trust me there is nothing more frustrating to someone than when you do not take the hate bait.

Most women are hurt and choose to act out of that hurt; but life is just too precious, too fast and too uncertain to intentionally cause strife. The reality of there being conflict amongst women is not the problem. It is necessary for us to get to the bottom of some things. Embrace the opportunity with the right motive.

Is there a woman you need to listen to today? What is she telling you with her words or her actions? Is that woman you?

Be blessed.
B

Growing in Comfort Zones

 

As I prepare for an annual two week work trip to India that always humbles me in all things life, I wanted to be sure I got my weekly affirmation in and encouraged you all to do the same. I will be taking a much needed social media hiatus while away in order to clear up some mental space. In preparing for this I began to self-evaluate areas of growth.

I am not one who seeks out change very much. I like what I like and I do not take the time to adventure out into the unknown. If I do not feel as though I do something well enough I will not attempt it. But how do I know if I don’t even try? I don’t. However, in my latest self evaluation I realized that I get out of my comfort zone more than I give myself credit for. While I may not find ways to try new things on my own very often, I am a darn good cheerleader for others! As I began to think about how I’ve grown and how others are growing while exercising courage unknowingly despite their apprehension to get out of their comfort zone, a  highlight reel of times I’ve been able to do so by supporting someone else came to mind.

For example, a few years ago one of the most artistic women I know and friend of mine Tiffany Kowalski invited me to be a part of a project she was working on for her photography business that focused on natural hair. So, yes while I was nervous, very self-conscious and lost in this entire process I agreed. I mean who doesn’t love a good photo and plus good cheerleaders don’t miss the opportunity to cheer!

While on the subject it is confession time. One thing you all should know about me is that I have a love/hate relationship with pictures. Love them because I never want to miss a moment of joy, love, beauty. Hate because for me I just cannot get it right. This is why I have not posted very many on this blog. I’m unnecessarily critical of myself. Not because I have low self-esteem or don’t find myself to be beautiful because I do. I just do the most with pictures. It is ridiculous and tiring to be honest. I apologize for that because I do understand the importance of aesthetics in this blogging arena. I will do better. Operation “Get out of Comfort Zone” to commence. Wait for it.

Ok, fast forward to the day of the photoshoot. The vision had been stated, outfit picked out and 2 day wash-n-go was poppin! Listen, I had forgotten all about how uncomfortable I was initially with this entire idea. I was just having fun with my friend being supportive. Naturally.  All my awkwardness went out the window; I was not trying to have the perfect smile. My imperfect skin was not a factor. The sun was shining and the colors on the building were vibrant enough to brighten anyone’s day. Tiffany was working on her craft and I was stepping outside my comfort zone.

We all have different goals we want to reach, a dream we want to see to fruition and desires we hope to fulfill. This will require us to get out of our comfort zones for sure. Until I get to that space fully I have some pretty creative people in my life who bring me into their world which in return allows me to be my most authentic self. Cheering!  I am glad that I am someone who is willing to support others in their endeavors even if it means being uncomfortable. It always ends up being to my benefit.

Maybe you are like me and aren’t really good about trying new things that you’re not very confident in or wouldn’t even think of doing. I bet that there is someone in your world who is involved in something that you can support. Kill two birds with one stone and just when you think that nothing grows in a comfort zone you’ll realize that to be untrue. Who said the comfort zone had to be yours!

Weekly Affirmation:
“I will step out of my comfort zone and support others. I will embrace new opportunities to grow”

 

B

BtweenUs | Family Foundation For Friendships

Relationships, religion and politics are my three least favorite topics to discuss in general! They to me are the most intimate and important conversations we can have with one another. They can get real deep real quick. Btween Us was the original name I wanted for the blog but opted out. Instead I decided that I’d share my thoughts on those topics in this category!

Relationships of any kind are complex even in their simplicity. From family to friendships and of course those involving the one we “love”. Each holds a piece of us that must be nurtured. That nurturing begins and ends with us! It’s all perspective.

Our family is responsible for the first emotions we experience in this life! They’re our first joys, reason for laughter, tears and heartbreaks. I know I’ve had my share of responsibility for the latter.  Nevertheless, every other relationship is built off the foundation family lays. My parents are divorced and I have two sisters. I’m the infamous middle child. Make of that what you please. I have some difficulty explaining the dynamics of our relationship. But it’s that dynamic that for me makes it great! We’re close but we each live our own lives. We’re all so different but the same! I can’t help but to conclude that how I view relationships of any kind is because of the bond I have with my family. For every poor decision someone has forgiven me for I learned the magnitude of forgiveness. For every tear, they’ve comforted me behind I realized what genuineness can do to a hurting person. For all my flaws, they’ve accepted about me I’ve experienced unconditional love.

Friendships, like family are our first of many! They’re just as important. In that the bond reaches a place in us empowering the relationships to build and break. I’ve been blessed to have had some good friends in these 33 years. I do not remember there being a time where I felt as if I did not have at least one friend. Looking back, I realize how crucial that was.

The hardest topic I’ve ever wrote about was the end of a relationship. Even though my siblings and I have argued and said hurtful things, I’ve been extremely upset with my parents and have had my heart broken. The hardest relationship demise for me to overcome was the one I had with my best friend. That’s one kind of relationship that ends for a young girl or woman that I believe are the hardest to overcome. It’s the fact that after being everything they’re no longer in your life. Whether it be a bitter ending or just one that ran its course. They hurt. The most.

It’s one of those lessons you may be messed up behind for a while. Experiencing all kinds of emotions trying to figure out how this happened. We are dependent on others for so much that it takes separation to understand that codependency is real.

I don’t understand women who desire not to have in the words of Forest Gump as he described Bubba, one ” best good friend” We can live without a man but not a girl-friend in my opinion. I’ve learned that even with sisters you still may need that other companion who you trust with everything. Your highs and lows, heartaches and true loves! There’s a certain kind of peace you experience in knowing that there’s this other girl/woman not related to you who is ok with all your crazies and attitudes and understands your fears, related to your insecurities! No matter how different the two of you may be there’s a best good friend that makes trusting easy.

When that ends. It’s a deep hurt. Confusion may even set in but what comes out of it is something you must cherish. Something that if you never experience it again there was a love you shared that at the end of the day may last a lifetime. I often use this quote from a song by Tupac called “Unconditional Love”

“With you and me it’s all “G” we could never be enemies, cause you’ve been such a good friend to me”

The foundation laid by my family relationship plays a huge part in how I nurture all other relationships.  No matter the degree of friendship I may have experienced with someone, just because our season comes to an end I don’t forget who was a good friend to me. There’s so much bickering and competition amongst women these days that it may be time for us to let down those guards and open ourselves to genuine friendships. Ones that feed our souls and fill our hearts with something irreplaceable. Even if only for a season.

Be a good friend this week. Someone’s depending on you!

BB