BTween Us: Woman to Woman Conflict and Why We Need It

 

Yesterday in a text to one of my good friends I told her that the title for a blog post “Woman to Woman” kept popping up in my head. I followed that with “But I don’t want to write it.” What I have learned is that is usually the very thing I should write. I should be sharing what’s on my heart, in my head and what’s making me uneasy in my gut. So I will do my best at condensing what will be expounded on at a later date because I have many thoughts on this.

Honestly, the concept of writing an open letter to women in general has always been an idea that lead to  me starting this blog. I want to be the conversation starter. I am not driven by the “How to” aspect of blogging necessarily. I’m more geared toward now that you’ve read this, you tell me how you feel. Is your perspective clear? Did this make you ask yourself the hard questions AND drive you towards answering them with transparency no matter how uncomfortable it may be?

That’s my goal.

What woman to woman means to me is, I am going to speak to you from my point of view and I want you to speak to me from yours. The goal is to have this conversation that will enlighten and enable us to better understand and if we cannot understand the actions behind the other person’s why, the gem is still found in being willing to listen. I may not agree with another woman’s perspective but I realize her convictions, her confidence level, her vulnerabilities and her history have all shaped that for her. We have to stop placing our perspective onto others as though our paths have all been the same. And even if it were so, we have different hearts that produce different results.

I am not sure when I began to be intentional about taking this approach when faced with a conflict or misunderstanding between me and another woman regardless of the role she plays in my life. I am sure being raised in a female dominated family and household consisting of my mother and my two sisters had a lot to do with it. I was not always the most understanding. In fact I was not giving a damn about anyone else’s feelings other than my own for the majority of my life. I was an angry little woman. Deep down inside there was this force of compassion I was burying because I was hurt. I kept my guard up on the outside but would be torn up on the inside.  I am forever grateful for the seed having been watered by maybe my own tears of guilt, shame and regret . Nevertheless it has bloomed into something beautiful in my spirit. I do not take it for granted.

Most women are hurt.

That hurt will drive us to exercise compassion and understanding, not to be confused with passivity.  Or it will drive us to develop these attitudes of entitlement and bully tendencies. These are then directed towards not only other women but unfortunately, the men in our lives and in some very bad cases even our children. Hurt people hurt people and a woman scorned is a high hurdle to get over. Nothing is impossible but it doesn’t come without a cost. When we are hurt and refuse to see ourselves past that blurred vision of “woe is me” any and everyone can feel the wrath. Therefore, if you are going to overcome the obstacles you’ll have to set aside some pride.

There is this movement amongst women today that when genuine is really a sight to see. Women lifting each other up, supporting one another in business and all kinds of endeavors. A whole sister circle. However, like most things, this is most often when everyone is on the same accord. Not so much when the women do not look like you, or dress like you, or have the same goals as you. You definitely are not seeing it when another woman has hurt you and if you ask me this is when it  is to be exercised the most.

As lovely as the idea may be, I am not a fan of this utopia that is being portrayed because it is not realistic. We are not all going to get along. The better news is that, in order to prosper and function with good mental health we do not have to. There is no future in your fronting ok! We are going to be faced with situations that will try us in the worst way and that is when you get to see the kind of woman someone is. More importantly, you see the kind of woman you are. At the end of the day your feelings won’t always be taken into consideration but that does not mean you have to bury them.  How will you respond to that friend that betrayed you, that name calling, that petty woman in your world who is hell bent on making your life miserable?

I’m certain most of us have had an encounter that has brought out of us some ugliness and at the same time it may have been justifiable considering the circumstances. Fast forward to today we might handle it differently. Maybe. What I will say is that as you grow these are the scenarios that help you help someone else inadvertently. In my 20’s I responded totally different than I would now. Trust me I know. SMH! This came with me first and foremost realizing I have all the power to win! Not because I am in competition with someone else, or to say I got the last word with a good read but to win the battle of self-control.

Woman to woman is a two way street. Play your part. Being willing to listen to the other woman without being defensive will resolve a lot of conflict. It’s not easy to listen to that friend who started acting funny, or your co-worker who just doesn’t like you. It’s not easy to listen to a family member who only points out your faults and never acknowledges your accomplishments. Let us not forget that other woman who came to you as a woman. Chile, who wants to listen to her?? Whatever the case, whoever the woman is she needs you to listen. It may take a while. It may be that you actually never get to have that conversation. We can learn a lot about a person in more ways than just listening to the words spoken directly to us. Actions speak just as loud. Pay attention. We all in one way or another will expose our hurt to each other and if you stop and listen you’re going to realize that most of the time it really has nothing to do with you directly. You are not the root of the problem but there may very well be something in you that triggers this person. You can become the vessel to help another woman heal if you truly desire to and it starts with you.

At the end of the day the most important woman to woman you will have is with the one in the mirror.

I am who I am because I have a desire to be this way. As the saying goes “Cause no harm but take no sh!t”. I have cultivated this heart to be able to walk this earth as best I can and to not intentionally hurt another woman. I’ve done enough of that in my life time. Just as I’ve endured enough. It’s called balance I guess. When I do fall short I am quicker to recognize my wrong and decide how to move forward than I was in the past. Yes, I’ve given apologies that may have been too late. It gets easier once you realize you are not responsible for the acceptance of the apology. I’ve dealt with women who have tried to hurt me with their words and actions. I’ve had to exercise some extreme self-control when my marital status and motherhood status has been used as ammunition to cause me pain. Truth is it did just that. I never understood why any woman who has received these blessings would use it to hurt another woman who has not.  Am I striving to be friends with a women who attacks me below the belt or period.  Absolutely not!!  But what I have gotten much better at is going high. You have to get to the point to where you are too good for certain things.

Your possessions, your accolades, beauty and whatever else wood, stubble and hay you rely on that won’t stand the test of fire do not make you a good woman.  You need to go a little deeper than that.  Who is good anyways???  I just choose differently than some in this area but this doesn’t change the fact that I have many ways about me that I need to check daily.

Some simple but effective questions I ask myself when being tested are:

1. Will you listen to this other woman who disagrees with your perspective?
2. Will you help another woman become better by not engaging in the back and forth in order to prove a point?
3. Are you willing to exercise compassion when the insecurities of another causes them to be nasty towards you?

It is not easy but if we are going to survive in this not so perfect world of women someone is going to have to go high without looking down on those who choose not to.  Someone is going to have to look past their own hurt and realize there is an opportunity to lead by example. Trust me there is nothing more frustrating to someone than when you do not take the hate bait.

Most women are hurt and choose to act out of that hurt; but life is just too precious, too fast and too uncertain to intentionally cause strife. The reality of there being conflict amongst women is not the problem. It is necessary for us to get to the bottom of some things. Embrace the opportunity with the right motive.

Is there a woman you need to listen to today? What is she telling you with her words or her actions? Is that woman you?

Be blessed.
B