How I Came Out of My Valley

Some experiences, moments and seasons of life aren’t meant to be shared with others in depth. There are those that are simply necessary to be felt, to be endured, and to be overcome by you. Not everything can be explained.

I wanted to adequately describe my latest “Valley Experience”. I wanted to provide the next woman who finds herself in the valley with ways to help deal with how she felt. I wanted to be able to equip her with instructions on how to come out better than when she went in. I wanted to provide ways to help her pass the time. But what I realize is that the feelings must be addressed per personal experience and cannot be ignored and time cannot just be passed. She must endure for however long just as I did. That is not something you can teach. That is something we have to choose.

In the valley is where you grow but that growth isn’t always apparent immediately. I’m still not sure I fully understand how I’ve grown from my experience yet. What I am able to share is that I felt three very real emotions during these past few months in ways I hadn’t in quite some time, if ever.

First I felt low.

As a woman I’ve felt low before so it’s not a new feeling. Only this time it wasn’t due to heartbreak or some disrespectful comment made about my appearance or a condescending remark regarding my capabilities and achievements or lack thereof. I felt low as in helpless. I was far away from any hope of overcoming my insecurities. Weak in spirit is what I was. That pretty much sums it up.  I was trying to rely on my insufficient ability to lift myself up by means of coercion and tension.  There was no progress being made. If anything I felt lower and lower until I realized that I had to embrace those insecure moments if I were to ever rise above them. This is no quick fix. It calls for intentional efforts continuously.

What I felt the more frequently was lost.

Constantly, asking myself, how did I get here? There wasn’t any one incident in particular I could recall that brought me to this place. But I was there and I had no clear direction on how to get out. So I stopped trying. It’s as if I set up tent and accepted that this was my home for a while. Though not a physical place literally, mentally I was in the valley and my mind needed resting. My heart needed settling. I didn’t panic no matter how hard it got and there were times when I thought I wouldn’t make it. I was able to find comfort in knowing that this experience was a part of my journey. I was reminded that what the Lord commands he enables. This may have single handily kept me in an operable mental space. Sounds dramatic huh? Well valley experiences can be just that surreal. Your mental health requires examinations just as much as your physical health does. As women of color I hope we begin to realize the importance of this.

Lastly, I felt unloved.

This was hard to realize. Once I did what I had to accept was that this feeling of being unloved was a lie that I told myself way too often. If we tell ourselves anything long enough we’ll believe it without a doubt soon enough. But who didn’t love me, and why not? Jesus loves me. My family loves me. I have dear friends that love me. The truth was I just didn’t like me. Like and love are not the same but because I was unaware of how much I didn’t like who I was, it felt as if I was not loved at all. I didn’t like how I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of and almost bullied in some situations, simply because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. I didn’t like how I was shrinking when I should’ve stood tall. I didn’t like how those who so called knew me best were treating me as if they didn’t and I said nothing. The truth is that people prefer to use your less than appealing moments to infer that they know you so well.  I didn’t like how I was just being a wimp in life because that I am not. I resented myself for all those reasons.

I came out of this experience what seems like suddenly but it was anything but. I cried every single day for a few months. I do cry easily but these were tears of desperation. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted the pressure to be lifted and the anxiety to go away! Instead I remained  present. There were days when nothing made sense. Those around me were being used in ways they clearly were unaware of but nevertheless they triggered things in me I still cannot explain. God knows.

What I often see is so many women looking for guidance on how to live their individual lives. As if a generic step-by-step guide is enough. No one wants to feel, endure and overcome these uncomfortable, inexplicable experiences regardless of how unavoidable they are.

But I’m here to reassure you that the time you spend present in the valley will reveal to you things about yourself that no mountaintop can.

B

 

 

Btween Us| Lessons in Self-Love

When it comes to love we all have our definitions. It is perceived differently from person to person. That makes it very difficult to speak on it without inserting your own experiences. Yet, what other place can someone speak to a situation from??  Experience drives perception. And if you’ve read any of my posts you know what I’m going to say next. It’s all perspective.

Relationships are hard off top. You have two imperfect people who come together at different times in their lives from different backgrounds with different experiences and expectations. All these differences are communicated and interpreted throughout the life of that relationship and so much can happen as feelings develop. From first dates to talks of marriage and in between is when boundaries are established and crossed, expectations are set and left unmet. It is during these times love is tested, strengthened and sometimes abandoned. Yet, an abandoned love does not equate to failure. It may be the absolute strongest test of faith to walk away from something and someone you once believed in. To surrender the life you envisioned with someone for one that no longer involves them.

As I write this I find myself reflecting on a time as a young twenty-something fighting for a love that was anything but and at the same time today a thirty-something woman fighting with someone for a love we won’t let die. Let’s be clear it is not because there hasn’t been sufficient enough reason for both of us to walk away. In both instances my feelings were real no matter how unrealistic my expectations were in my 20’s or how uncompromising they are today. The difference is growth and intentions.

Growth– Over time I began to understand how imperfect I am regardless of how good of a woman I consider myself to be. I also realize that I am always in control of what I choose to accept and choose not to accept.

Intentions– I chose to enter every relationship after that twenty-something heartbreak with the intentions that I will be who I am because it is simply who I am and not because I want it to persuade a man to treat me a certain way.

I can say without a doubt I have no regrets in how my past relationships have ended and do not feel like I’ve given something to someone that wasn’t deserved. That is a mindset that leaves so many women bitter whether they realize it or not. Of course it wasn’t deserved. However, it was not because they were unworthy necessarily but because I was giving more than I should have to that person to begin with. It is so easy to pour into a relationship prematurely because we do not want to be alone, or we have this idea of what our lives should look like or we’re just soul-tied to another person we have no business being with. It isn’t only about that person not deserving us, it is far more complex than that. This is a hard truth but one I always return to.

I prefer to look at my relationship now not so much in a measurement of worthiness rather in a realistic approach and sound decision making of whether or not it is worth it?? Is he worth it? Am I worth it? Are we worth the fight, patience, forgiveness, and most of all the restoration when we reach a breaking point?  There is a difference between someone being worthy and someone being worth it. In many ways I may not be worthy at times because I fall short of even of my own expectations. I’ve done some crazy things I’m not afraid to admit that. Still I’ll always be worth it and maybe that alone makes me worthy. This is how I approach love. Until it is no longer worth it I’ll fight. When it no longer makes sense I’ll let it go. I’ve grown in so many ways from heartbreak and failed relationships that had I not experienced those times, my life could look very different in the worst way. How do I know? Well, there have been plenty of times when I could’ve played the victim and allowed that to weaken me or I could choose to grow up. That meant  acknowledging the part I played and also accepting my responsibility to forgive and move on. In doing so I chose to retain my power for future relationships.

Women have so much power in a relationship. It will go how you set the tone for it to go. This isn’t saying they’ll be pain free but however much you want to invest and endure is up to you. Not anyone else. You cannot be ashamed of what may transpire even if it causes you shame. It’s a journey and love is a journey meant to build. So many women find themselves in a battle between maintaining self – love and loving a man. As if one has to compromise the other. Self-love is not how much you choose not to endure primarily. In fact self-love today is not what women need to be taught. Self-love is what the human race does the best. Whatever self we are at any given season of life is the self we’re going to love and choose every single time. No matter how ugly, or beautiful, broken or put together it may be inside and out. We love ourselves we just need to be better lovers.

Self-love also is not determined based on allowing others to dictate whether or not you’ve forgiven your ex enough times or what a date should consist of. Self-love is more than stating what you’re worth it is also being able to provide that same level of passion, support and whatever else you require for yourself to your significant other. Self-love will require you to be vulnerable but that doesn’t mean you’re naive. It will require of you to keep to yourself the struggles you’ve experienced in your relationship because you are sacrificing and enduring. Those two concepts do not go over well in today’s culture. People’s “fallback” games are too strong. Self-love always chooses to love. But love is not always who you want it to be yet it is indeed always who you need if you’ll be open to the lesson.

When it comes to love you set the boundary. You push the line back or erase it. That is done on your own terms. Each relationship has to be nurtured from where it is at that time in order to get to the next level of difficulty because they only get harder. Love is realizing it isn’t something to run from or to ever feel as if it is not worth another try. My twenty-something relationship was the hardest one ever not because that person was “the one” and it failed but because I had to learn by continual testing that I was in complete control yet I relinquished it over and over.  I was not blinded by love. I was foolish. Instead of accepting that person for who he was I thought I could do something to make him better. I thought like most women do, that I could love him enough to make him be better towards me and himself for that matter in order to save our relationship. I could not.

Whatever growth he experienced during our relationship was still his decision. My influence was just that. Influence! He owes me nothing. Too many women look to take credit for the maturity of a man. I am glad that my suffering emotionally and growing pains helped another soul mature in any way. Fast forward to the time when this person matured to the point he was ready to give me an apology, I had already accepted my own contribution to my unhappiness during that season. I had already forgiven him and moved on because I realized he wasn’t my forever. As soon as I did that as a result I was choosing a love that at the time I hadn’t even experienced yet and maybe still haven’t. Who knows? But what I do know is that it was a lesson not a loss. I can’t lose who was never meant to be mine. I restored my faith in love and got through the heartbreak becoming a better self.

I cheered at the thought that one day this person may be able to find his forever. Thirty-something Brooke’s definition of love was defined by twenty-something Brooke’s refusal to accept that just because I was a good woman to the wrong man that I was no longer worth the fight. Like most women I’ve been through it behind a man more times than I’d like to admit. So I can relate! TRUST ME!! I’ve felt taken for granted and unappreciated. I’ve had to deal with other women and I battled insecurities. There is this stigma against women who are pouring into someone all that they have and it appears that it may be all for nothing. I do not have the answer to that. What I am willing to do is speak back into you the courage required to love again after heartbreak steals it from you.  It may be courage to reconcile with an ex or start a brand new journey with someone else or even to be single for a while.

Whatever your situation I hope you all will never stop fighting for love after loss! Restoration is just a new birth towards forever so allow the past to prepare you for the future. Your better self-love waits…..

B

BTween Us | Love by the Rules

 

To be a woman in today’s society can be difficult especially for the single woman without children , who desires to be married and have a family.

When I refer to the single woman this does not omit those who are in a relationship. As far as I am concerned you are either: single, married or divorced. You’re still a “single” no matter how committed you may be or what your state considers common law. I sometimes get very frustrated with the way today’s woman is portrayed. She’s either too aggressive or overly passive. Social media, television and the movies  presents to us this over-achieving woman that doesn’t need a man. If she does have one she’s constantly reminding him and everyone else how she doesn’t need him to be complete, successful, happy etc. Well duh we’re in control of ALL that regardless of our relationship status. The other woman presented to us is weak and cannot live without a man. I rarely give relationship advice for two reasons: 1.) I’ve experienced too much and 2.)I’ve overcome too much! So while I may be able to relate and empathize it’s hard to sympathize. There’s a big difference between the two. Women do not want to take ownership of their own feelings and actions. We are the most intuitive of all God’s creation and yet we become almost oblivious to this when in love.

Time is of the essence indeed! It didn’t take me 3yrs to realize I wanted to share my life with my man, I in fact knew almost immediately. But what I didn’t know is how I wanted that to look. How I wanted myself to look in that equation or him. We both needed to grow up in various areas of our lives before we could think about taking that vow. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying stay around forever waiting on someone to give you your heart’s desire or in an unhealthy situation. Never do that. Your own convictions will tell you when it’s time to go. If I could only give one piece of advice it would be, do not be coerced into thinking that you are ready when you know you’re not! 

There was a season of about 2 years when I wanted to be married so bad because I was “getting old”. Majority of my friends were married, had children or both. Daily social media memes were telling me something was wrong with me, my man didn’t love me and I was stupid basically for being with someone longer than (insert expiration date). To make matters worse family & friends were asking the infamous “When y’all getting married, and/or when you going to have a baby?” questions. The biological clock was going off in every room! That spilled over into my relationship in the worst way. I acted out of frustration that I initially did not have even though I did want a family.

What I have come to realize and be grateful for is the fact that the single woman is in the best position, to serve others, to be a good friend and to identify where she needs to grow before she becomes committed to someone for life. It is during this season she must define who she is and what she values most. I know because I am her. This leads me to my affirmation for the week;

“I am not the exception. I am the rule”

I will not allow my past, present personal struggles with how long it’s taking me to start a family or the pressure of the society we live in to become this hard-hearted woman cause me to think otherwise. I am loyal to my relationship because I am a loyal person in general. I choose to encourage in my relationship instead of telling him how many mistakes he’s making or what a “man” is because I genuinely believe in him. I still support myself and if we need anything we’re there for each other by choice because we are committed. Yet, at the same time I realize we have no obligations to each other in this regard as long as I still have my Father’s last name. That’s too much counter-cultural thinking huh? According to this present-day he needs to be opening me up a business and giving me his whole check. SMH.

Don’t’ get me wrong, there are several boundaries that need to be set up which you must define for  yourself. I urge you to do not allow these “know it all, I finally got my man” women tell you how to move in your relationship with dogmatism. Seek good counsel but ultimately it’s your love therefore it’s your risk but it doesn’t have to be what makes you you being compromised. Relationships are already hard. Furthermore, don’t make them more difficult because you refuse to stand up for yourself. If you’re unhappy leave! If you constantly emasculate your man in the name of ‘feminism” or whatever don’t be surprised when he shuts down. Whatever the case may be you have to find a way to align your mind and your heart. This is more than difficult but very necessary. If you’re expecting the outside world to see your relationship as you do you’re sadly mistaken.  Our family and friends want the best for us, but they are not us. They do not have our hearts; they cannot love someone the same way we do. Learn who you are choosing to be with and in that learning accept them for who they are but still set the record straight on where you need them to grow. Likewise, do the same for yourself.

My greatest lesson in relationships has been to acknowledge what I have accepted. I cannot allow myself to constantly become frustrated with what I’ve already accepted.  If I do, that’s on me. Does that mean I have to continue accepting rule-breaking behavior whether it’s mine or my man’s? Absolutely NOT!  In every area of our lives we must ask ourselves the hard questions if we want to grow. These questions can only be answered by YOU! For starters:  Why are you with this person? Are you happy? Do you still believe in this relationship? Are you afraid of being alone?

Over the years my position as the “RULE” has been more than challenged. I’ve doubted it due to the way this journey has gone, what society says and my insecurities. In some instances my own behavior has caused me the most frustration.  At times the rule has been broken but instead of setting it aside I learned to REINFORCE it, starting with myself.

You are not the exception you are the rule

You are still what a woman should be

Head held high even with broken pieces of your heart on the ground

Despite your circumstances you continue on in what you know to be right

When you fall down or get discouraged

Remember your design is not in vain

The love in your heart does not go unnoticed

It remains unchanged

If anyone has not told you today

You are still worth it

Always was

Always will be

XOXO

BB

 

 

 

 

 

BtweenUs| Me & Feminism; Owning My Position

 

One of the hardest obstacles to overcome for me at times has been accepting and owning the feeling of indifference towards certain culture initiatives. Especially, when it feels as if the entire world has formed a coalition that makes you feel as if you’re seemingly in complete contrast to their cause. You become the enemy.

I grew up in a predominately female family. My grandmother is 90 years old looking 70 still rocking her painted nails, gemstone jewelry and all while owning her” it’s all about me” attitude. Let me see 90 you can bet I’ll be a problem. The traditional family is not what I saw growing up. Although my father and mother were married majority of my child hood my mother was a single parent. My Aunties were single mothers as well except for one. Most of my cousins are women, and I have two sisters. So “Girl Power” is a way of life for me and always has been. I remember vividly, my mother getting dressed for work. She had this dark wooded vanity mirror. She’d drink a coke and listen to Anita Baker. My favorite memory was her putting on her  red lipstick and stockings. All I could think of was “that’s what I want to do …be a grown woman, drink coke, wear red lipstick, listen to Anita baker and most of all wear stockings.” No lie. She was super woman to me. She still is! But my viewing her as super woman was never a result of feeling like she was oppressed because of her singleness and her having to raise three girls with heads full of hair, with three different personalities.  Not because of her having to work the 3 to 11 shift which caused her to not be able to pick us up from school or even be home when it was time for bed. Sometimes we’d go to go to work with her though!  I never saw that as her being given the short end of the stick. None of our struggles made me feel like my mama was living in an unjust world towards women. Although that may have been true. I know it was hard, and she sacrificed so much for my sisters and me. I just saw her doing what she does; Conquer the world!

Part of that meant she never missed a basketball game, or a track meet, or an awards show, school program or a teacher conference or anything else that involved her children. There was absolutely nothing more important to her than us, not even her job! Today career is everything to women and I understand the drive for success, the inequality that we deal with and overall the way women in general are viewed. I’ve experienced it first-hand but at the same time I had an example of resilience and strength and sacrifice that has shaped my view of what a woman is! Nothing can destroy that. I didn’t agree with every choice she made as I got older, and I gave her all the hell I could unfortunately. My mama never bad mouthed my father to me or uttered the words “I don’t need a man” which would’ve planted a totally different seed of perception in me. She may have expressed her frustrations but she did not plant that seed of resentment. Her encouragement towards me and my sisters was always in direct response to what we wanted to do. She did not focus on who was going tell me I couldn’t. There was no need to tell me I needed to be a “feminist” or down talk men (not all do) for not handling their business. She was silent in ways that allowed me to form my own perception and take my position.  I still don’t know what a feminist is and I will never refer to myself as one. Yes, I agree with some of the issues addressed, of course I do. But some I don’t. Others I’m not even sure what the issue is. You ask five different self-proclaimed feminists what it means and you’ll get five different answers.  The truth is that I’m usually indifferent to these “movements” because you must understand the root to fully recognize the fruit that it is designed to produce.

While I know, this isn’t the only subject addressed it’s a constant topic of discussion and one I have had on several occasions.  I’d be a liar if I said that I do not feel as if the home is the primary focus of a woman who chooses to have a family. I wholeheartedly feel that way! Shame on me I guess. This is not to say we should not strive for professional greatness. Go get what you want! It is not to say that I do not realize there is inequality in corporate America that women face. Most importantly let’s be clear, that my position on the matter is NOT saying I feel women should not work. Why would I feel that way in the first place coming from a single parent home? My point is, what good am I as a chief executive, fighting for a spot at the board room table if the demands of my position require me to have a nanny or some other form of childcare that spends more time with my family than I do. That just does not appeal to me and I hope it never does. Yet I’m not so far removed from the realities. Via the family group chat on those days I find myself at work until 8pm, I’ll send a text saying something like

“So, which one of y’all gonna be picking my baby up from daycare on these days if necessary?”

Don’t get me wrong I realize some circumstances call for long periods of separation between a mother and her family due to her working 2 and 3 jobs or going to school but those are “seasons” not desired choices for long term. It’s sad but in these types of discussions I’ve had to intentionally clarify that because the feminist of the year would come for me saying I’m stuck in the 30’s or something …LOL! It’s almost as if you’re either team feminist, pump your fist in the air, compete with every man you see yelling “anything you can do I can do and better” or you’re against all women. Or you don’t care about what’s happening. That couldn’t be further from the truth.  I speak from this side of the coin from experience. First thing you should know about me is that I am all for the beautiful design of womanhood. What I’ve learned is that this is where the conversation must begin with me. It is my root.

My view of womanhood may not be the same as the next woman. So, if we’re going to march for the rights of ALL women how about easing up on those who may not hold the same position as you and is quite alright in her indifference towards having to be labeled a feminist during this age in order to be politically correct. Furthermore, would prefer not to be.  This doesn’t make her your enemy in the fight for women’s rights and equality. 

Nevertheless, I loved seeing all the women come together this past weekend across the nation voicing themselves during the women’s march protests. It was inspiring to see all the courage!! I am all about courage. Besides, it’s what I saw daily as she got dressed, drank her coke, put on her red lipstick and stockings, with Anita Baker filling the air.

Keep being strong and courageous beautiful women no matter your position.

BB

 

 

 

BtweenUs | Family Foundation For Friendships

Relationships, religion and politics are my three least favorite topics to discuss in general! They to me are the most intimate and important conversations we can have with one another. They can get real deep real quick. Btween Us was the original name I wanted for the blog but opted out. Instead I decided that I’d share my thoughts on those topics in this category!

Relationships of any kind are complex even in their simplicity. From family to friendships and of course those involving the one we “love”. Each holds a piece of us that must be nurtured. That nurturing begins and ends with us! It’s all perspective.

Our family is responsible for the first emotions we experience in this life! They’re our first joys, reason for laughter, tears and heartbreaks. I know I’ve had my share of responsibility for the latter.  Nevertheless, every other relationship is built off the foundation family lays. My parents are divorced and I have two sisters. I’m the infamous middle child. Make of that what you please. I have some difficulty explaining the dynamics of our relationship. But it’s that dynamic that for me makes it great! We’re close but we each live our own lives. We’re all so different but the same! I can’t help but to conclude that how I view relationships of any kind is because of the bond I have with my family. For every poor decision someone has forgiven me for I learned the magnitude of forgiveness. For every tear, they’ve comforted me behind I realized what genuineness can do to a hurting person. For all my flaws, they’ve accepted about me I’ve experienced unconditional love.

Friendships, like family are our first of many! They’re just as important. In that the bond reaches a place in us empowering the relationships to build and break. I’ve been blessed to have had some good friends in these 33 years. I do not remember there being a time where I felt as if I did not have at least one friend. Looking back, I realize how crucial that was.

The hardest topic I’ve ever wrote about was the end of a relationship. Even though my siblings and I have argued and said hurtful things, I’ve been extremely upset with my parents and have had my heart broken. The hardest relationship demise for me to overcome was the one I had with my best friend. That’s one kind of relationship that ends for a young girl or woman that I believe are the hardest to overcome. It’s the fact that after being everything they’re no longer in your life. Whether it be a bitter ending or just one that ran its course. They hurt. The most.

It’s one of those lessons you may be messed up behind for a while. Experiencing all kinds of emotions trying to figure out how this happened. We are dependent on others for so much that it takes separation to understand that codependency is real.

I don’t understand women who desire not to have in the words of Forest Gump as he described Bubba, one ” best good friend” We can live without a man but not a girl-friend in my opinion. I’ve learned that even with sisters you still may need that other companion who you trust with everything. Your highs and lows, heartaches and true loves! There’s a certain kind of peace you experience in knowing that there’s this other girl/woman not related to you who is ok with all your crazies and attitudes and understands your fears, related to your insecurities! No matter how different the two of you may be there’s a best good friend that makes trusting easy.

When that ends. It’s a deep hurt. Confusion may even set in but what comes out of it is something you must cherish. Something that if you never experience it again there was a love you shared that at the end of the day may last a lifetime. I often use this quote from a song by Tupac called “Unconditional Love”

“With you and me it’s all “G” we could never be enemies, cause you’ve been such a good friend to me”

The foundation laid by my family relationship plays a huge part in how I nurture all other relationships.  No matter the degree of friendship I may have experienced with someone, just because our season comes to an end I don’t forget who was a good friend to me. There’s so much bickering and competition amongst women these days that it may be time for us to let down those guards and open ourselves to genuine friendships. Ones that feed our souls and fill our hearts with something irreplaceable. Even if only for a season.

Be a good friend this week. Someone’s depending on you!

BB