Growing in Comfort Zones

 

As I prepare for an annual two week work trip to India that always humbles me in all things life, I wanted to be sure I got my weekly affirmation in and encouraged you all to do the same. I will be taking a much needed social media hiatus while away in order to clear up some mental space. In preparing for this I began to self-evaluate areas of growth.

I am not one who seeks out change very much. I like what I like and I do not take the time to adventure out into the unknown. If I do not feel as though I do something well enough I will not attempt it. But how do I know if I don’t even try? I don’t. However, in my latest self evaluation I realized that I get out of my comfort zone more than I give myself credit for. While I may not find ways to try new things on my own very often, I am a darn good cheerleader for others! As I began to think about how I’ve grown and how others are growing while exercising courage unknowingly despite their apprehension to get out of their comfort zone, a  highlight reel of times I’ve been able to do so by supporting someone else came to mind.

For example, a few years ago one of the most artistic women I know and friend of mine Tiffany Kowalski invited me to be a part of a project she was working on for her photography business that focused on natural hair. So, yes while I was nervous, very self-conscious and lost in this entire process I agreed. I mean who doesn’t love a good photo and plus good cheerleaders don’t miss the opportunity to cheer!

While on the subject it is confession time. One thing you all should know about me is that I have a love/hate relationship with pictures. Love them because I never want to miss a moment of joy, love, beauty. Hate because for me I just cannot get it right. This is why I have not posted very many on this blog. I’m unnecessarily critical of myself. Not because I have low self-esteem or don’t find myself to be beautiful because I do. I just do the most with pictures. It is ridiculous and tiring to be honest. I apologize for that because I do understand the importance of aesthetics in this blogging arena. I will do better. Operation “Get out of Comfort Zone” to commence. Wait for it.

Ok, fast forward to the day of the photoshoot. The vision had been stated, outfit picked out and 2 day wash-n-go was poppin! Listen, I had forgotten all about how uncomfortable I was initially with this entire idea. I was just having fun with my friend being supportive. Naturally.  All my awkwardness went out the window; I was not trying to have the perfect smile. My imperfect skin was not a factor. The sun was shining and the colors on the building were vibrant enough to brighten anyone’s day. Tiffany was working on her craft and I was stepping outside my comfort zone.

We all have different goals we want to reach, a dream we want to see to fruition and desires we hope to fulfill. This will require us to get out of our comfort zones for sure. Until I get to that space fully I have some pretty creative people in my life who bring me into their world which in return allows me to be my most authentic self. Cheering!  I am glad that I am someone who is willing to support others in their endeavors even if it means being uncomfortable. It always ends up being to my benefit.

Maybe you are like me and aren’t really good about trying new things that you’re not very confident in or wouldn’t even think of doing. I bet that there is someone in your world who is involved in something that you can support. Kill two birds with one stone and just when you think that nothing grows in a comfort zone you’ll realize that to be untrue. Who said the comfort zone had to be yours!

Weekly Affirmation:
“I will step out of my comfort zone and support others. I will embrace new opportunities to grow”

 

B

BTween Us | Love by the Rules

 

To be a woman in today’s society can be difficult especially for the single woman without children , who desires to be married and have a family.

When I refer to the single woman this does not omit those who are in a relationship. As far as I am concerned you are either: single, married or divorced. You’re still a “single” no matter how committed you may be or what your state considers common law. I sometimes get very frustrated with the way today’s woman is portrayed. She’s either too aggressive or overly passive. Social media, television and the movies  presents to us this over-achieving woman that doesn’t need a man. If she does have one she’s constantly reminding him and everyone else how she doesn’t need him to be complete, successful, happy etc. Well duh we’re in control of ALL that regardless of our relationship status. The other woman presented to us is weak and cannot live without a man. I rarely give relationship advice for two reasons: 1.) I’ve experienced too much and 2.)I’ve overcome too much! So while I may be able to relate and empathize it’s hard to sympathize. There’s a big difference between the two. Women do not want to take ownership of their own feelings and actions. We are the most intuitive of all God’s creation and yet we become almost oblivious to this when in love.

Time is of the essence indeed! It didn’t take me 3yrs to realize I wanted to share my life with my man, I in fact knew almost immediately. But what I didn’t know is how I wanted that to look. How I wanted myself to look in that equation or him. We both needed to grow up in various areas of our lives before we could think about taking that vow. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying stay around forever waiting on someone to give you your heart’s desire or in an unhealthy situation. Never do that. Your own convictions will tell you when it’s time to go. If I could only give one piece of advice it would be, do not be coerced into thinking that you are ready when you know you’re not! 

There was a season of about 2 years when I wanted to be married so bad because I was “getting old”. Majority of my friends were married, had children or both. Daily social media memes were telling me something was wrong with me, my man didn’t love me and I was stupid basically for being with someone longer than (insert expiration date). To make matters worse family & friends were asking the infamous “When y’all getting married, and/or when you going to have a baby?” questions. The biological clock was going off in every room! That spilled over into my relationship in the worst way. I acted out of frustration that I initially did not have even though I did want a family.

What I have come to realize and be grateful for is the fact that the single woman is in the best position, to serve others, to be a good friend and to identify where she needs to grow before she becomes committed to someone for life. It is during this season she must define who she is and what she values most. I know because I am her. This leads me to my affirmation for the week;

“I am not the exception. I am the rule”

I will not allow my past, present personal struggles with how long it’s taking me to start a family or the pressure of the society we live in to become this hard-hearted woman cause me to think otherwise. I am loyal to my relationship because I am a loyal person in general. I choose to encourage in my relationship instead of telling him how many mistakes he’s making or what a “man” is because I genuinely believe in him. I still support myself and if we need anything we’re there for each other by choice because we are committed. Yet, at the same time I realize we have no obligations to each other in this regard as long as I still have my Father’s last name. That’s too much counter-cultural thinking huh? According to this present-day he needs to be opening me up a business and giving me his whole check. SMH.

Don’t’ get me wrong, there are several boundaries that need to be set up which you must define for  yourself. I urge you to do not allow these “know it all, I finally got my man” women tell you how to move in your relationship with dogmatism. Seek good counsel but ultimately it’s your love therefore it’s your risk but it doesn’t have to be what makes you you being compromised. Relationships are already hard. Furthermore, don’t make them more difficult because you refuse to stand up for yourself. If you’re unhappy leave! If you constantly emasculate your man in the name of ‘feminism” or whatever don’t be surprised when he shuts down. Whatever the case may be you have to find a way to align your mind and your heart. This is more than difficult but very necessary. If you’re expecting the outside world to see your relationship as you do you’re sadly mistaken.  Our family and friends want the best for us, but they are not us. They do not have our hearts; they cannot love someone the same way we do. Learn who you are choosing to be with and in that learning accept them for who they are but still set the record straight on where you need them to grow. Likewise, do the same for yourself.

My greatest lesson in relationships has been to acknowledge what I have accepted. I cannot allow myself to constantly become frustrated with what I’ve already accepted.  If I do, that’s on me. Does that mean I have to continue accepting rule-breaking behavior whether it’s mine or my man’s? Absolutely NOT!  In every area of our lives we must ask ourselves the hard questions if we want to grow. These questions can only be answered by YOU! For starters:  Why are you with this person? Are you happy? Do you still believe in this relationship? Are you afraid of being alone?

Over the years my position as the “RULE” has been more than challenged. I’ve doubted it due to the way this journey has gone, what society says and my insecurities. In some instances my own behavior has caused me the most frustration.  At times the rule has been broken but instead of setting it aside I learned to REINFORCE it, starting with myself.

You are not the exception you are the rule

You are still what a woman should be

Head held high even with broken pieces of your heart on the ground

Despite your circumstances you continue on in what you know to be right

When you fall down or get discouraged

Remember your design is not in vain

The love in your heart does not go unnoticed

It remains unchanged

If anyone has not told you today

You are still worth it

Always was

Always will be

XOXO

BB

 

 

 

 

 

PSA: Just WIN!!

 

By now the world knows that once again the New England Patriots are Super bowl champions. Football isn’t my favorite sport but I am a sports fan. So, while I do not have any personal investment in the Atlanta Falcons or New England Patriots, I respect winners. Tom Brady’s name is synonymous with winning period.

Like most, you either love him or hate him. Isn’t that how it goes? No matter how successful he has been there’s someone who will try to discredit his achievements. I woke up with this on my mind as we start a new week. If we are going to go through life and set any type of goal for ourselves with the end result being success, we are going to have naysayers. There will be those people who no matter what you do, or how you do it will find fault in what you’ve worked your butt off to accomplish. And you know what, that’s probably the best way to know you’re doing something right. At the end of the day, all you got to do is win! Just win! Whatever that looks like for you…

We can learn a lot from Tom Brady’s road to success. He wasn’t a top pick in the draft. As a matter of fact the man was picked 199th in the sixth round! Now you do not have to know a lot about football to know that being picked 199th in anything is not something to be desired. Can you imagine the doubt that was settling in his mind at the time? Even if it was only for one second that one little seed of doubt could’ve changed his entire path had he chosen to believe it

Fast forward 16 years later, he’s a five time Super bowl champion and once again the MVP (Most Valuable Player) of the game. Some might argue he’s the greatest football player of all time not just the greatest QB to ever play the game. It’s a valid argument, not one I am prepared to debate.

What I am prepared to say this morning is that despite how much success he’s had in his career. It still will not be enough to silence those who refuse to acknowledge it or accept that he’s earned it. It never will be.

The same goes for us. We will never be able to please everyone, or prove to everyone that we deserve our success because we put in the work. Nah, someone gave it to us, or we cheated, or we must have thrown someone in the office under the bus to get the promotion. Even before the success comes to fruition there will be those who will only see us as that 199th pick and will feed the same doubt that we’re working so hard to overcome in our own minds.

I’ve come to a place where I realize that no matter the journey, no matter the obstacles and naysayers along the road to success that we will endure, there’s something impossible to deny, and that is winning! I hope this week each of you will make it a point to continue perfecting your craft and prove them wrong.

My affirmation this week is

“I believe in myself more than anyone else”

Take a page from Tom Brady’s book and win! Again and again and again and again…..

BB

 

 

BtweenUs| Me & Feminism; Owning My Position

 

One of the hardest obstacles to overcome for me at times has been accepting and owning the feeling of indifference towards certain culture initiatives. Especially, when it feels as if the entire world has formed a coalition that makes you feel as if you’re seemingly in complete contrast to their cause. You become the enemy.

I grew up in a predominately female family. My grandmother is 90 years old looking 70 still rocking her painted nails, gemstone jewelry and all while owning her” it’s all about me” attitude. Let me see 90 you can bet I’ll be a problem. The traditional family is not what I saw growing up. Although my father and mother were married majority of my child hood my mother was a single parent. My Aunties were single mothers as well except for one. Most of my cousins are women, and I have two sisters. So “Girl Power” is a way of life for me and always has been. I remember vividly, my mother getting dressed for work. She had this dark wooded vanity mirror. She’d drink a coke and listen to Anita Baker. My favorite memory was her putting on her  red lipstick and stockings. All I could think of was “that’s what I want to do …be a grown woman, drink coke, wear red lipstick, listen to Anita baker and most of all wear stockings.” No lie. She was super woman to me. She still is! But my viewing her as super woman was never a result of feeling like she was oppressed because of her singleness and her having to raise three girls with heads full of hair, with three different personalities.  Not because of her having to work the 3 to 11 shift which caused her to not be able to pick us up from school or even be home when it was time for bed. Sometimes we’d go to go to work with her though!  I never saw that as her being given the short end of the stick. None of our struggles made me feel like my mama was living in an unjust world towards women. Although that may have been true. I know it was hard, and she sacrificed so much for my sisters and me. I just saw her doing what she does; Conquer the world!

Part of that meant she never missed a basketball game, or a track meet, or an awards show, school program or a teacher conference or anything else that involved her children. There was absolutely nothing more important to her than us, not even her job! Today career is everything to women and I understand the drive for success, the inequality that we deal with and overall the way women in general are viewed. I’ve experienced it first-hand but at the same time I had an example of resilience and strength and sacrifice that has shaped my view of what a woman is! Nothing can destroy that. I didn’t agree with every choice she made as I got older, and I gave her all the hell I could unfortunately. My mama never bad mouthed my father to me or uttered the words “I don’t need a man” which would’ve planted a totally different seed of perception in me. She may have expressed her frustrations but she did not plant that seed of resentment. Her encouragement towards me and my sisters was always in direct response to what we wanted to do. She did not focus on who was going tell me I couldn’t. There was no need to tell me I needed to be a “feminist” or down talk men (not all do) for not handling their business. She was silent in ways that allowed me to form my own perception and take my position.  I still don’t know what a feminist is and I will never refer to myself as one. Yes, I agree with some of the issues addressed, of course I do. But some I don’t. Others I’m not even sure what the issue is. You ask five different self-proclaimed feminists what it means and you’ll get five different answers.  The truth is that I’m usually indifferent to these “movements” because you must understand the root to fully recognize the fruit that it is designed to produce.

While I know, this isn’t the only subject addressed it’s a constant topic of discussion and one I have had on several occasions.  I’d be a liar if I said that I do not feel as if the home is the primary focus of a woman who chooses to have a family. I wholeheartedly feel that way! Shame on me I guess. This is not to say we should not strive for professional greatness. Go get what you want! It is not to say that I do not realize there is inequality in corporate America that women face. Most importantly let’s be clear, that my position on the matter is NOT saying I feel women should not work. Why would I feel that way in the first place coming from a single parent home? My point is, what good am I as a chief executive, fighting for a spot at the board room table if the demands of my position require me to have a nanny or some other form of childcare that spends more time with my family than I do. That just does not appeal to me and I hope it never does. Yet I’m not so far removed from the realities. Via the family group chat on those days I find myself at work until 8pm, I’ll send a text saying something like

“So, which one of y’all gonna be picking my baby up from daycare on these days if necessary?”

Don’t get me wrong I realize some circumstances call for long periods of separation between a mother and her family due to her working 2 and 3 jobs or going to school but those are “seasons” not desired choices for long term. It’s sad but in these types of discussions I’ve had to intentionally clarify that because the feminist of the year would come for me saying I’m stuck in the 30’s or something …LOL! It’s almost as if you’re either team feminist, pump your fist in the air, compete with every man you see yelling “anything you can do I can do and better” or you’re against all women. Or you don’t care about what’s happening. That couldn’t be further from the truth.  I speak from this side of the coin from experience. First thing you should know about me is that I am all for the beautiful design of womanhood. What I’ve learned is that this is where the conversation must begin with me. It is my root.

My view of womanhood may not be the same as the next woman. So, if we’re going to march for the rights of ALL women how about easing up on those who may not hold the same position as you and is quite alright in her indifference towards having to be labeled a feminist during this age in order to be politically correct. Furthermore, would prefer not to be.  This doesn’t make her your enemy in the fight for women’s rights and equality. 

Nevertheless, I loved seeing all the women come together this past weekend across the nation voicing themselves during the women’s march protests. It was inspiring to see all the courage!! I am all about courage. Besides, it’s what I saw daily as she got dressed, drank her coke, put on her red lipstick and stockings, with Anita Baker filling the air.

Keep being strong and courageous beautiful women no matter your position.

BB