Btween Us: When the Comforter Needs Comforting

I wanted my first blog post of 2018 to be about 2017 reflection and what I had lined up for this year. But life happens and as much as I’ve debated over this past week on actually sharing these thoughts, I’ve come to realize this platform was created for me to do just that. So here I am. January has been very difficult spiritually, emotionally, psychologically the whole entire family of ally’s ok!!! Full of fiery trials but in the midst of it all I’m reminded that I am gold….SOLID GOLD. My joy remains full! When we pray for joy and to be strong and ready we never know how that test will come about. Joy is not dependent upon circumstances and feelings in order to be claimed.  It is truth I must affirm in myself daily and sometimes it feels more like moment for moment. Trials are set before me just like everyone else. None of us are exempt. How you perceive the trials is totally up to you.

We set our minds to do so many things that we often forget they also need to be rested. The heart we depend on to enable us to give so much to others begins to run on empty and must be refilled. This is not something that just happens automatically. Doers don’t just do because it’s easy or natural they are intentional. Givers don’t give because there are not sacrifices involved. Lovers do not exhaust themselves of continually choosing to love because they have no other option. These are all conscious choices we make and when life comes at us out of the blue, it may require of us to fold and other times to fuel.

The individuals that choose to fold are not the weaker vessel compared to those that fuel. There are times when you will have to lay down some things in your life: a goal, a lover, a desire. The discernment to know when to fold and how to fuel through is what I’ve been intentional about cultivating a heart for most of my adult life. How do you know if you are truly fearless if you are never faced with the option of being fearful? One of my 2018 Life Words is “Become”.  All that I’ve endured throughout life has been about me becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be. This current test is no different.  We have been deceived into thinking that those who seem to have everything they’ve always wanted are God’s chosen. That they must be doing everything right and those of us who are still waiting on our “blessing” have done something wrong and as a consequence we’re being punished or just forgotten about altogether. I hope anyone who may be in this season along with me will never ever adopt that mentality because it is a lie.  You are not forgotten but you may very well be in a season of discipline and if you love God that is rule # 1 that we must understand. God disciplines and prunes the lives of his children like any good father would! God is sovereign! No matter what the common cliché of today says “Just Speak things into existence.” We must remember that if that thing does not come to fruition he is still good. I am not here to preach or maybe I am…..who knows LOL?!! I’m not certain on a lot of things these days and good thing I don’t need to be.

I get a little weary when people say to me “you’re so strong” or “if anyone can handle this you can.” I should find comfort in that they see me this light but instead it leaves me with a vulnerable mindset. On one hand I’m prone to adopt a self-inflicted expectation to make the right decision which is the decision a “strong” person would make.  Who determines that exactly?? On the other hand I am motivated to make the right decision for me. That alone adds to the pressure of really working through the emotions I am dealing with. So that I am fully confident in my decision regardless of what others may think or how difficult it may be.

“Breathe” is another 2018 Life Word. Personal trials reveal just how much we take for granted unknowingly. This past month my breathing pattern has become something that once was an after thought but there have been days when it too required my attention and intention at times. There were moments that I was so overwhelmed and captivated by my own thoughts it was almost as if I had just stopped altogether. I didn’t but somebody feels me. Pain will do that to you. Make you realize your heart is actually beating and air is flowing through your lungs. You’re not just here but you are living. I was reminded that I am capable of feeling something that impactful and somehow still able to find joy in life. Tears and all.

In my own little world I am most often the comforter. Let me be clear, it is not because I never need comforting. I realized I was a comforter as a young girl in my friendships and as I got older how I began to feel the pain I inflicted on others. I’ve been tender and strong. It’s a balance but it does not come without cost. I have an amazing tribe of comforters.  But with being a comforter it is almost unnatural to seek comfort initially when things get rough. I have to work through so much internally and process my feelings before I can even begin to share what I may be going through. A lot of this has to do with my perspective on life and its troubles.

Some pain is guaranteed

It’s a simple complex in that the “pain” can be perceived in general or specifically.

Some pain: there is a certain amount of pain we will experience in life

Some pain: a specific pain such as loss of a family member, heart break over a relationship or friendship that ended badly.

This is not me having a super pious attitude towards life that never leaves me wanting to question God about why certain things happen in the world and in my own personal life. The reality is that we just have to endure as best we can and trust that what is on the other side of what we’re feeling at the moment is our true destination. We do not have to stay in a place of uncertainty and fear of not knowing if whether or not the pain we are currently experiencing will subside. It will, if we allow it to. There are some things people have had to endure that I am not sure I could survive. Then there are circumstances in my life I have overcome that have turned people cold as ice. Everyone is different.

How do I comfort myself in times like these when life comes out of the blue you might ask? I don’t, I cannot. At best I just feel and I pray. Not only for it to just pass quickly but for me to realize I need the same mercy and grace my situation may be requiring me to extend to someone else or to myself for that matter. It may be to get through the anger, sadness, guilt, shame or maybe even humiliation and not wanting to be pitied by anyone. Whatever it may be I allow myself to feel everything and deeply, especially when I thought I knew how I’d respond if ever faced with a particular situation. If I can be honest I’ve felt disappointed in myself for not doing so. I’ve matured enough to know, that my friend is nothing but ugly old pride flaring up!  Spirit and flesh wrestle all day every day. Ultimately it is up to us to determine who we’re going to serve at any given moment. I have a choice to make. I can fight it and force the anger into a position of power or I can allow the less appealing emotions of empathy and compassion that may almost seem unfair to me to reign. This is truly the only way I know how to determine if it’s time to fold and lay something down or fuel my way through. I cannot do that outside of myself; outside of counseling my own heart with truth first.

I realize in today’s blogger arena it’s almost a requirement to share your experiences in detail in order to be relatable and gain likes or whatever. I disagree and hold the position firmly that some experiences must be felt privately for a while. For now it’s just me and God working through some things. It’s him dealing with me and me still fueling to say “yes Lord” no matter how much I do not understand about this test or wish I was exempt from it. Without the fire there is no gold.

Today it may be empathy and sadness, possibly even some peace that I am feeling the most; tomorrow it may be something altogether different. No matter what my current feelings are I do find comfort in that my heart and mind can rest knowing I have the choice to choose joy. Because one thing is certain, some pain is guaranteed.

B

Btween Us| Lessons in Self-Love

When it comes to love we all have our definitions. It is perceived differently from person to person. That makes it very difficult to speak on it without inserting your own experiences. Yet, what other place can someone speak to a situation from??  Experience drives perception. And if you’ve read any of my posts you know what I’m going to say next. It’s all perspective.

Relationships are hard off top. You have two imperfect people who come together at different times in their lives from different backgrounds with different experiences and expectations. All these differences are communicated and interpreted throughout the life of that relationship and so much can happen as feelings develop. From first dates to talks of marriage and in between is when boundaries are established and crossed, expectations are set and left unmet. It is during these times love is tested, strengthened and sometimes abandoned. Yet, an abandoned love does not equate to failure. It may be the absolute strongest test of faith to walk away from something and someone you once believed in. To surrender the life you envisioned with someone for one that no longer involves them.

As I write this I find myself reflecting on a time as a young twenty-something fighting for a love that was anything but and at the same time today a thirty-something woman fighting with someone for a love we won’t let die. Let’s be clear it is not because there hasn’t been sufficient enough reason for both of us to walk away. In both instances my feelings were real no matter how unrealistic my expectations were in my 20’s or how uncompromising they are today. The difference is growth and intentions.

Growth– Over time I began to understand how imperfect I am regardless of how good of a woman I consider myself to be. I also realize that I am always in control of what I choose to accept and choose not to accept.

Intentions– I chose to enter every relationship after that twenty-something heartbreak with the intentions that I will be who I am because it is simply who I am and not because I want it to persuade a man to treat me a certain way.

I can say without a doubt I have no regrets in how my past relationships have ended and do not feel like I’ve given something to someone that wasn’t deserved. That is a mindset that leaves so many women bitter whether they realize it or not. Of course it wasn’t deserved. However, it was not because they were unworthy necessarily but because I was giving more than I should have to that person to begin with. It is so easy to pour into a relationship prematurely because we do not want to be alone, or we have this idea of what our lives should look like or we’re just soul-tied to another person we have no business being with. It isn’t only about that person not deserving us, it is far more complex than that. This is a hard truth but one I always return to.

I prefer to look at my relationship now not so much in a measurement of worthiness rather in a realistic approach and sound decision making of whether or not it is worth it?? Is he worth it? Am I worth it? Are we worth the fight, patience, forgiveness, and most of all the restoration when we reach a breaking point?  There is a difference between someone being worthy and someone being worth it. In many ways I may not be worthy at times because I fall short of even of my own expectations. I’ve done some crazy things I’m not afraid to admit that. Still I’ll always be worth it and maybe that alone makes me worthy. This is how I approach love. Until it is no longer worth it I’ll fight. When it no longer makes sense I’ll let it go. I’ve grown in so many ways from heartbreak and failed relationships that had I not experienced those times, my life could look very different in the worst way. How do I know? Well, there have been plenty of times when I could’ve played the victim and allowed that to weaken me or I could choose to grow up. That meant  acknowledging the part I played and also accepting my responsibility to forgive and move on. In doing so I chose to retain my power for future relationships.

Women have so much power in a relationship. It will go how you set the tone for it to go. This isn’t saying they’ll be pain free but however much you want to invest and endure is up to you. Not anyone else. You cannot be ashamed of what may transpire even if it causes you shame. It’s a journey and love is a journey meant to build. So many women find themselves in a battle between maintaining self – love and loving a man. As if one has to compromise the other. Self-love is not how much you choose not to endure primarily. In fact self-love today is not what women need to be taught. Self-love is what the human race does the best. Whatever self we are at any given season of life is the self we’re going to love and choose every single time. No matter how ugly, or beautiful, broken or put together it may be inside and out. We love ourselves we just need to be better lovers.

Self-love also is not determined based on allowing others to dictate whether or not you’ve forgiven your ex enough times or what a date should consist of. Self-love is more than stating what you’re worth it is also being able to provide that same level of passion, support and whatever else you require for yourself to your significant other. Self-love will require you to be vulnerable but that doesn’t mean you’re naive. It will require of you to keep to yourself the struggles you’ve experienced in your relationship because you are sacrificing and enduring. Those two concepts do not go over well in today’s culture. People’s “fallback” games are too strong. Self-love always chooses to love. But love is not always who you want it to be yet it is indeed always who you need if you’ll be open to the lesson.

When it comes to love you set the boundary. You push the line back or erase it. That is done on your own terms. Each relationship has to be nurtured from where it is at that time in order to get to the next level of difficulty because they only get harder. Love is realizing it isn’t something to run from or to ever feel as if it is not worth another try. My twenty-something relationship was the hardest one ever not because that person was “the one” and it failed but because I had to learn by continual testing that I was in complete control yet I relinquished it over and over.  I was not blinded by love. I was foolish. Instead of accepting that person for who he was I thought I could do something to make him better. I thought like most women do, that I could love him enough to make him be better towards me and himself for that matter in order to save our relationship. I could not.

Whatever growth he experienced during our relationship was still his decision. My influence was just that. Influence! He owes me nothing. Too many women look to take credit for the maturity of a man. I am glad that my suffering emotionally and growing pains helped another soul mature in any way. Fast forward to the time when this person matured to the point he was ready to give me an apology, I had already accepted my own contribution to my unhappiness during that season. I had already forgiven him and moved on because I realized he wasn’t my forever. As soon as I did that as a result I was choosing a love that at the time I hadn’t even experienced yet and maybe still haven’t. Who knows? But what I do know is that it was a lesson not a loss. I can’t lose who was never meant to be mine. I restored my faith in love and got through the heartbreak becoming a better self.

I cheered at the thought that one day this person may be able to find his forever. Thirty-something Brooke’s definition of love was defined by twenty-something Brooke’s refusal to accept that just because I was a good woman to the wrong man that I was no longer worth the fight. Like most women I’ve been through it behind a man more times than I’d like to admit. So I can relate! TRUST ME!! I’ve felt taken for granted and unappreciated. I’ve had to deal with other women and I battled insecurities. There is this stigma against women who are pouring into someone all that they have and it appears that it may be all for nothing. I do not have the answer to that. What I am willing to do is speak back into you the courage required to love again after heartbreak steals it from you.  It may be courage to reconcile with an ex or start a brand new journey with someone else or even to be single for a while.

Whatever your situation I hope you all will never stop fighting for love after loss! Restoration is just a new birth towards forever so allow the past to prepare you for the future. Your better self-love waits…..

B

BTween Us | Love by the Rules

 

To be a woman in today’s society can be difficult especially for the single woman without children , who desires to be married and have a family.

When I refer to the single woman this does not omit those who are in a relationship. As far as I am concerned you are either: single, married or divorced. You’re still a “single” no matter how committed you may be or what your state considers common law. I sometimes get very frustrated with the way today’s woman is portrayed. She’s either too aggressive or overly passive. Social media, television and the movies  presents to us this over-achieving woman that doesn’t need a man. If she does have one she’s constantly reminding him and everyone else how she doesn’t need him to be complete, successful, happy etc. Well duh we’re in control of ALL that regardless of our relationship status. The other woman presented to us is weak and cannot live without a man. I rarely give relationship advice for two reasons: 1.) I’ve experienced too much and 2.)I’ve overcome too much! So while I may be able to relate and empathize it’s hard to sympathize. There’s a big difference between the two. Women do not want to take ownership of their own feelings and actions. We are the most intuitive of all God’s creation and yet we become almost oblivious to this when in love.

Time is of the essence indeed! It didn’t take me 3yrs to realize I wanted to share my life with my man, I in fact knew almost immediately. But what I didn’t know is how I wanted that to look. How I wanted myself to look in that equation or him. We both needed to grow up in various areas of our lives before we could think about taking that vow. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying stay around forever waiting on someone to give you your heart’s desire or in an unhealthy situation. Never do that. Your own convictions will tell you when it’s time to go. If I could only give one piece of advice it would be, do not be coerced into thinking that you are ready when you know you’re not! 

There was a season of about 2 years when I wanted to be married so bad because I was “getting old”. Majority of my friends were married, had children or both. Daily social media memes were telling me something was wrong with me, my man didn’t love me and I was stupid basically for being with someone longer than (insert expiration date). To make matters worse family & friends were asking the infamous “When y’all getting married, and/or when you going to have a baby?” questions. The biological clock was going off in every room! That spilled over into my relationship in the worst way. I acted out of frustration that I initially did not have even though I did want a family.

What I have come to realize and be grateful for is the fact that the single woman is in the best position, to serve others, to be a good friend and to identify where she needs to grow before she becomes committed to someone for life. It is during this season she must define who she is and what she values most. I know because I am her. This leads me to my affirmation for the week;

“I am not the exception. I am the rule”

I will not allow my past, present personal struggles with how long it’s taking me to start a family or the pressure of the society we live in to become this hard-hearted woman cause me to think otherwise. I am loyal to my relationship because I am a loyal person in general. I choose to encourage in my relationship instead of telling him how many mistakes he’s making or what a “man” is because I genuinely believe in him. I still support myself and if we need anything we’re there for each other by choice because we are committed. Yet, at the same time I realize we have no obligations to each other in this regard as long as I still have my Father’s last name. That’s too much counter-cultural thinking huh? According to this present-day he needs to be opening me up a business and giving me his whole check. SMH.

Don’t’ get me wrong, there are several boundaries that need to be set up which you must define for  yourself. I urge you to do not allow these “know it all, I finally got my man” women tell you how to move in your relationship with dogmatism. Seek good counsel but ultimately it’s your love therefore it’s your risk but it doesn’t have to be what makes you you being compromised. Relationships are already hard. Furthermore, don’t make them more difficult because you refuse to stand up for yourself. If you’re unhappy leave! If you constantly emasculate your man in the name of ‘feminism” or whatever don’t be surprised when he shuts down. Whatever the case may be you have to find a way to align your mind and your heart. This is more than difficult but very necessary. If you’re expecting the outside world to see your relationship as you do you’re sadly mistaken.  Our family and friends want the best for us, but they are not us. They do not have our hearts; they cannot love someone the same way we do. Learn who you are choosing to be with and in that learning accept them for who they are but still set the record straight on where you need them to grow. Likewise, do the same for yourself.

My greatest lesson in relationships has been to acknowledge what I have accepted. I cannot allow myself to constantly become frustrated with what I’ve already accepted.  If I do, that’s on me. Does that mean I have to continue accepting rule-breaking behavior whether it’s mine or my man’s? Absolutely NOT!  In every area of our lives we must ask ourselves the hard questions if we want to grow. These questions can only be answered by YOU! For starters:  Why are you with this person? Are you happy? Do you still believe in this relationship? Are you afraid of being alone?

Over the years my position as the “RULE” has been more than challenged. I’ve doubted it due to the way this journey has gone, what society says and my insecurities. In some instances my own behavior has caused me the most frustration.  At times the rule has been broken but instead of setting it aside I learned to REINFORCE it, starting with myself.

You are not the exception you are the rule

You are still what a woman should be

Head held high even with broken pieces of your heart on the ground

Despite your circumstances you continue on in what you know to be right

When you fall down or get discouraged

Remember your design is not in vain

The love in your heart does not go unnoticed

It remains unchanged

If anyone has not told you today

You are still worth it

Always was

Always will be

XOXO

BB

 

 

 

 

 

BtweenUs | Family Foundation For Friendships

Relationships, religion and politics are my three least favorite topics to discuss in general! They to me are the most intimate and important conversations we can have with one another. They can get real deep real quick. Btween Us was the original name I wanted for the blog but opted out. Instead I decided that I’d share my thoughts on those topics in this category!

Relationships of any kind are complex even in their simplicity. From family to friendships and of course those involving the one we “love”. Each holds a piece of us that must be nurtured. That nurturing begins and ends with us! It’s all perspective.

Our family is responsible for the first emotions we experience in this life! They’re our first joys, reason for laughter, tears and heartbreaks. I know I’ve had my share of responsibility for the latter.  Nevertheless, every other relationship is built off the foundation family lays. My parents are divorced and I have two sisters. I’m the infamous middle child. Make of that what you please. I have some difficulty explaining the dynamics of our relationship. But it’s that dynamic that for me makes it great! We’re close but we each live our own lives. We’re all so different but the same! I can’t help but to conclude that how I view relationships of any kind is because of the bond I have with my family. For every poor decision someone has forgiven me for I learned the magnitude of forgiveness. For every tear, they’ve comforted me behind I realized what genuineness can do to a hurting person. For all my flaws, they’ve accepted about me I’ve experienced unconditional love.

Friendships, like family are our first of many! They’re just as important. In that the bond reaches a place in us empowering the relationships to build and break. I’ve been blessed to have had some good friends in these 33 years. I do not remember there being a time where I felt as if I did not have at least one friend. Looking back, I realize how crucial that was.

The hardest topic I’ve ever wrote about was the end of a relationship. Even though my siblings and I have argued and said hurtful things, I’ve been extremely upset with my parents and have had my heart broken. The hardest relationship demise for me to overcome was the one I had with my best friend. That’s one kind of relationship that ends for a young girl or woman that I believe are the hardest to overcome. It’s the fact that after being everything they’re no longer in your life. Whether it be a bitter ending or just one that ran its course. They hurt. The most.

It’s one of those lessons you may be messed up behind for a while. Experiencing all kinds of emotions trying to figure out how this happened. We are dependent on others for so much that it takes separation to understand that codependency is real.

I don’t understand women who desire not to have in the words of Forest Gump as he described Bubba, one ” best good friend” We can live without a man but not a girl-friend in my opinion. I’ve learned that even with sisters you still may need that other companion who you trust with everything. Your highs and lows, heartaches and true loves! There’s a certain kind of peace you experience in knowing that there’s this other girl/woman not related to you who is ok with all your crazies and attitudes and understands your fears, related to your insecurities! No matter how different the two of you may be there’s a best good friend that makes trusting easy.

When that ends. It’s a deep hurt. Confusion may even set in but what comes out of it is something you must cherish. Something that if you never experience it again there was a love you shared that at the end of the day may last a lifetime. I often use this quote from a song by Tupac called “Unconditional Love”

“With you and me it’s all “G” we could never be enemies, cause you’ve been such a good friend to me”

The foundation laid by my family relationship plays a huge part in how I nurture all other relationships.  No matter the degree of friendship I may have experienced with someone, just because our season comes to an end I don’t forget who was a good friend to me. There’s so much bickering and competition amongst women these days that it may be time for us to let down those guards and open ourselves to genuine friendships. Ones that feed our souls and fill our hearts with something irreplaceable. Even if only for a season.

Be a good friend this week. Someone’s depending on you!

BB