How I Came Out of My Valley

Some experiences, moments and seasons of life aren’t meant to be shared with others in depth. There are those that are simply necessary to be felt, to be endured, and to be overcome by you. Not everything can be explained.

I wanted to adequately describe my latest “Valley Experience”. I wanted to provide the next woman who finds herself in the valley with ways to help deal with how she felt. I wanted to be able to equip her with instructions on how to come out better than when she went in. I wanted to provide ways to help her pass the time. But what I realize is that the feelings must be addressed per personal experience and cannot be ignored and time cannot just be passed. She must endure for however long just as I did. That is not something you can teach. That is something we have to choose.

In the valley is where you grow but that growth isn’t always apparent immediately. I’m still not sure I fully understand how I’ve grown from my experience yet. What I am able to share is that I felt three very real emotions during these past few months in ways I hadn’t in quite some time, if ever.

First I felt low.

As a woman I’ve felt low before so it’s not a new feeling. Only this time it wasn’t due to heartbreak or some disrespectful comment made about my appearance or a condescending remark regarding my capabilities and achievements or lack thereof. I felt low as in helpless. I was far away from any hope of overcoming my insecurities. Weak in spirit is what I was. That pretty much sums it up.  I was trying to rely on my insufficient ability to lift myself up by means of coercion and tension.  There was no progress being made. If anything I felt lower and lower until I realized that I had to embrace those insecure moments if I were to ever rise above them. This is no quick fix. It calls for intentional efforts continuously.

What I felt the more frequently was lost.

Constantly, asking myself, how did I get here? There wasn’t any one incident in particular I could recall that brought me to this place. But I was there and I had no clear direction on how to get out. So I stopped trying. It’s as if I set up tent and accepted that this was my home for a while. Though not a physical place literally, mentally I was in the valley and my mind needed resting. My heart needed settling. I didn’t panic no matter how hard it got and there were times when I thought I wouldn’t make it. I was able to find comfort in knowing that this experience was a part of my journey. I was reminded that what the Lord commands he enables. This may have single handily kept me in an operable mental space. Sounds dramatic huh? Well valley experiences can be just that surreal. Your mental health requires examinations just as much as your physical health does. As women of color I hope we begin to realize the importance of this.

Lastly, I felt unloved.

This was hard to realize. Once I did what I had to accept was that this feeling of being unloved was a lie that I told myself way too often. If we tell ourselves anything long enough we’ll believe it without a doubt soon enough. But who didn’t love me, and why not? Jesus loves me. My family loves me. I have dear friends that love me. The truth was I just didn’t like me. Like and love are not the same but because I was unaware of how much I didn’t like who I was, it felt as if I was not loved at all. I didn’t like how I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of and almost bullied in some situations, simply because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. I didn’t like how I was shrinking when I should’ve stood tall. I didn’t like how those who so called knew me best were treating me as if they didn’t and I said nothing. The truth is that people prefer to use your less than appealing moments to infer that they know you so well.  I didn’t like how I was just being a wimp in life because that I am not. I resented myself for all those reasons.

I came out of this experience what seems like suddenly but it was anything but. I cried every single day for a few months. I do cry easily but these were tears of desperation. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted the pressure to be lifted and the anxiety to go away! Instead I remained  present. There were days when nothing made sense. Those around me were being used in ways they clearly were unaware of but nevertheless they triggered things in me I still cannot explain. God knows.

What I often see is so many women looking for guidance on how to live their individual lives. As if a generic step-by-step guide is enough. No one wants to feel, endure and overcome these uncomfortable, inexplicable experiences regardless of how unavoidable they are.

But I’m here to reassure you that the time you spend present in the valley will reveal to you things about yourself that no mountaintop can.

B

 

 

Growing in Comfort Zones

 

As I prepare for an annual two week work trip to India that always humbles me in all things life, I wanted to be sure I got my weekly affirmation in and encouraged you all to do the same. I will be taking a much needed social media hiatus while away in order to clear up some mental space. In preparing for this I began to self-evaluate areas of growth.

I am not one who seeks out change very much. I like what I like and I do not take the time to adventure out into the unknown. If I do not feel as though I do something well enough I will not attempt it. But how do I know if I don’t even try? I don’t. However, in my latest self evaluation I realized that I get out of my comfort zone more than I give myself credit for. While I may not find ways to try new things on my own very often, I am a darn good cheerleader for others! As I began to think about how I’ve grown and how others are growing while exercising courage unknowingly despite their apprehension to get out of their comfort zone, a  highlight reel of times I’ve been able to do so by supporting someone else came to mind.

For example, a few years ago one of the most artistic women I know and friend of mine Tiffany Kowalski invited me to be a part of a project she was working on for her photography business that focused on natural hair. So, yes while I was nervous, very self-conscious and lost in this entire process I agreed. I mean who doesn’t love a good photo and plus good cheerleaders don’t miss the opportunity to cheer!

While on the subject it is confession time. One thing you all should know about me is that I have a love/hate relationship with pictures. Love them because I never want to miss a moment of joy, love, beauty. Hate because for me I just cannot get it right. This is why I have not posted very many on this blog. I’m unnecessarily critical of myself. Not because I have low self-esteem or don’t find myself to be beautiful because I do. I just do the most with pictures. It is ridiculous and tiring to be honest. I apologize for that because I do understand the importance of aesthetics in this blogging arena. I will do better. Operation “Get out of Comfort Zone” to commence. Wait for it.

Ok, fast forward to the day of the photoshoot. The vision had been stated, outfit picked out and 2 day wash-n-go was poppin! Listen, I had forgotten all about how uncomfortable I was initially with this entire idea. I was just having fun with my friend being supportive. Naturally.  All my awkwardness went out the window; I was not trying to have the perfect smile. My imperfect skin was not a factor. The sun was shining and the colors on the building were vibrant enough to brighten anyone’s day. Tiffany was working on her craft and I was stepping outside my comfort zone.

We all have different goals we want to reach, a dream we want to see to fruition and desires we hope to fulfill. This will require us to get out of our comfort zones for sure. Until I get to that space fully I have some pretty creative people in my life who bring me into their world which in return allows me to be my most authentic self. Cheering!  I am glad that I am someone who is willing to support others in their endeavors even if it means being uncomfortable. It always ends up being to my benefit.

Maybe you are like me and aren’t really good about trying new things that you’re not very confident in or wouldn’t even think of doing. I bet that there is someone in your world who is involved in something that you can support. Kill two birds with one stone and just when you think that nothing grows in a comfort zone you’ll realize that to be untrue. Who said the comfort zone had to be yours!

Weekly Affirmation:
“I will step out of my comfort zone and support others. I will embrace new opportunities to grow”

 

B

Btween Us| Lessons in Self-Love

When it comes to love we all have our definitions. It is perceived differently from person to person. That makes it very difficult to speak on it without inserting your own experiences. Yet, what other place can someone speak to a situation from??  Experience drives perception. And if you’ve read any of my posts you know what I’m going to say next. It’s all perspective.

Relationships are hard off top. You have two imperfect people who come together at different times in their lives from different backgrounds with different experiences and expectations. All these differences are communicated and interpreted throughout the life of that relationship and so much can happen as feelings develop. From first dates to talks of marriage and in between is when boundaries are established and crossed, expectations are set and left unmet. It is during these times love is tested, strengthened and sometimes abandoned. Yet, an abandoned love does not equate to failure. It may be the absolute strongest test of faith to walk away from something and someone you once believed in. To surrender the life you envisioned with someone for one that no longer involves them.

As I write this I find myself reflecting on a time as a young twenty-something fighting for a love that was anything but and at the same time today a thirty-something woman fighting with someone for a love we won’t let die. Let’s be clear it is not because there hasn’t been sufficient enough reason for both of us to walk away. In both instances my feelings were real no matter how unrealistic my expectations were in my 20’s or how uncompromising they are today. The difference is growth and intentions.

Growth– Over time I began to understand how imperfect I am regardless of how good of a woman I consider myself to be. I also realize that I am always in control of what I choose to accept and choose not to accept.

Intentions– I chose to enter every relationship after that twenty-something heartbreak with the intentions that I will be who I am because it is simply who I am and not because I want it to persuade a man to treat me a certain way.

I can say without a doubt I have no regrets in how my past relationships have ended and do not feel like I’ve given something to someone that wasn’t deserved. That is a mindset that leaves so many women bitter whether they realize it or not. Of course it wasn’t deserved. However, it was not because they were unworthy necessarily but because I was giving more than I should have to that person to begin with. It is so easy to pour into a relationship prematurely because we do not want to be alone, or we have this idea of what our lives should look like or we’re just soul-tied to another person we have no business being with. It isn’t only about that person not deserving us, it is far more complex than that. This is a hard truth but one I always return to.

I prefer to look at my relationship now not so much in a measurement of worthiness rather in a realistic approach and sound decision making of whether or not it is worth it?? Is he worth it? Am I worth it? Are we worth the fight, patience, forgiveness, and most of all the restoration when we reach a breaking point?  There is a difference between someone being worthy and someone being worth it. In many ways I may not be worthy at times because I fall short of even of my own expectations. I’ve done some crazy things I’m not afraid to admit that. Still I’ll always be worth it and maybe that alone makes me worthy. This is how I approach love. Until it is no longer worth it I’ll fight. When it no longer makes sense I’ll let it go. I’ve grown in so many ways from heartbreak and failed relationships that had I not experienced those times, my life could look very different in the worst way. How do I know? Well, there have been plenty of times when I could’ve played the victim and allowed that to weaken me or I could choose to grow up. That meant  acknowledging the part I played and also accepting my responsibility to forgive and move on. In doing so I chose to retain my power for future relationships.

Women have so much power in a relationship. It will go how you set the tone for it to go. This isn’t saying they’ll be pain free but however much you want to invest and endure is up to you. Not anyone else. You cannot be ashamed of what may transpire even if it causes you shame. It’s a journey and love is a journey meant to build. So many women find themselves in a battle between maintaining self – love and loving a man. As if one has to compromise the other. Self-love is not how much you choose not to endure primarily. In fact self-love today is not what women need to be taught. Self-love is what the human race does the best. Whatever self we are at any given season of life is the self we’re going to love and choose every single time. No matter how ugly, or beautiful, broken or put together it may be inside and out. We love ourselves we just need to be better lovers.

Self-love also is not determined based on allowing others to dictate whether or not you’ve forgiven your ex enough times or what a date should consist of. Self-love is more than stating what you’re worth it is also being able to provide that same level of passion, support and whatever else you require for yourself to your significant other. Self-love will require you to be vulnerable but that doesn’t mean you’re naive. It will require of you to keep to yourself the struggles you’ve experienced in your relationship because you are sacrificing and enduring. Those two concepts do not go over well in today’s culture. People’s “fallback” games are too strong. Self-love always chooses to love. But love is not always who you want it to be yet it is indeed always who you need if you’ll be open to the lesson.

When it comes to love you set the boundary. You push the line back or erase it. That is done on your own terms. Each relationship has to be nurtured from where it is at that time in order to get to the next level of difficulty because they only get harder. Love is realizing it isn’t something to run from or to ever feel as if it is not worth another try. My twenty-something relationship was the hardest one ever not because that person was “the one” and it failed but because I had to learn by continual testing that I was in complete control yet I relinquished it over and over.  I was not blinded by love. I was foolish. Instead of accepting that person for who he was I thought I could do something to make him better. I thought like most women do, that I could love him enough to make him be better towards me and himself for that matter in order to save our relationship. I could not.

Whatever growth he experienced during our relationship was still his decision. My influence was just that. Influence! He owes me nothing. Too many women look to take credit for the maturity of a man. I am glad that my suffering emotionally and growing pains helped another soul mature in any way. Fast forward to the time when this person matured to the point he was ready to give me an apology, I had already accepted my own contribution to my unhappiness during that season. I had already forgiven him and moved on because I realized he wasn’t my forever. As soon as I did that as a result I was choosing a love that at the time I hadn’t even experienced yet and maybe still haven’t. Who knows? But what I do know is that it was a lesson not a loss. I can’t lose who was never meant to be mine. I restored my faith in love and got through the heartbreak becoming a better self.

I cheered at the thought that one day this person may be able to find his forever. Thirty-something Brooke’s definition of love was defined by twenty-something Brooke’s refusal to accept that just because I was a good woman to the wrong man that I was no longer worth the fight. Like most women I’ve been through it behind a man more times than I’d like to admit. So I can relate! TRUST ME!! I’ve felt taken for granted and unappreciated. I’ve had to deal with other women and I battled insecurities. There is this stigma against women who are pouring into someone all that they have and it appears that it may be all for nothing. I do not have the answer to that. What I am willing to do is speak back into you the courage required to love again after heartbreak steals it from you.  It may be courage to reconcile with an ex or start a brand new journey with someone else or even to be single for a while.

Whatever your situation I hope you all will never stop fighting for love after loss! Restoration is just a new birth towards forever so allow the past to prepare you for the future. Your better self-love waits…..

B

Everyone’s an expert until it’s time to start living

A few years ago I posted this on IG

“I survived everything that was meant to kill me. Now I know I can make it”.

Fast forward to 2017 and I’m still surviving the attacks on my life. I’ve been fortunate enough to not have experienced some near death experience yet that I am aware of. I say that because I know each day I am protected from the unseen wars against my life. We all are.

Nevertheless, there have been many of those seemingly insignificant circumstances that we downplay as just being a part of life that could’ve resulted in a loss of life. There are goals that have not manifested, my heart being broken, a friendship that ended that I never thought would, add to that my self-inflicted pain from my own poor choices. The list can go on and on. What I’ve learned is that these are the attacks on my life and others that are continual and so many of us do not realize just how much surviving we’re doing. And yet, surviving is not enough.

This then results in us living a life that does not consist of much living at all. That is the goal of the enemy of our souls, for us to be alive but to not LIVE. Not live in a sense of being wreck less but intentional about living life abundantly fearless. It is for us to stop pursuing our dreams and relinquish our joy. To stop believing that there is a true love for us and to harden our hearts. To lose all faith in the miracle that is required in order to conceive the child we’ve prayed so hard for, to heal our bodies and rest our minds. Or to become so engulfed in bitterness that we push everyone away that tries to genuinely care for us then wonder why we’re alone. It is a vicious yet subtle cycle. Ultimately the goal is to have us so depressed and without hope, unable to understand why we’re even in that state that we accept it as the norm. That is what I call functional dysfunction.

I used to compare my normal life issues to those super tragedies of others and that was a huge mistake. Of course things could always be worse. But that is not how we are to deal with what is attempting to destroy us. This caused me to underestimate the effect those attacks were having on me. I thought I’d finished the fight because I was still breathing. I had survived. What I had to learn over time and what I want other women to realize is that, surviving is just the beginning. Experience is the greatest teacher and no one is more of an expert on how to survive what attacks you than you are. But you have to keep living because if you do not, that is when YOU begin to die.

For all those who checked on me and asked about my time away from Bubbling Brooke thank you. I survived and am ready to start living….again! I hope you all will do the same.

B

An Audience of One

About a week ago I was on Snap Chat after my workout per usual low-key venting. I felt I had been a bit mild in my posts not really wanting to offend anyone because my views on certain subjects can be counter cultural. For those who follow me on snap, y’all know I can go off about certain topics LOL! It is what happened mid vent session that once again put things into perspective for me as it relates to my “target audience”.  A friend of mine had been off social media and hadn’t gotten around to visiting Bubbling Brooke.  She binge read all of my posts and texted me her thoughts on each one. Can we say “on time”!!! I love confirmation!  God always sends confirmation and conviction when we need it most. It is up to us to take heed to it or not but that’s another post for another day.

The significance of her texts was not that others hadn’t commented on posts or texted me their feedback or that her opinion weighed so much more. It was that where I was at that very moment was a place of second guessing my abilities and my mission. I was wondering if the audience I was attempting to reach maybe was not the right audience, that maybe I needed rethink who I was talking to. Maybe I needed to conform to the more popular methods of blogging. Focusing on my wardrobe, hair, travel, politics etc. Afterall, those are things that I am interested in and eventually want to add to the layers of this platform. However, doing so would not help me determine who I was talking to. I’d still need to speak with an authentic transparency .

There is no glamour to my lifestyle. No matter how far I’ve traveled around the world or the restaurants I’ve dined at, or the designer clothes I wear. I’m a simple Houston woman who really just prefers to be off the scene. I’m not interested in contouring and highlights, my style of dress is more modest than it is trendy and sexy.  I don’t find myself to be very photogenic. I’m real awkward to be honest when it comes to picture taking. That in itself is a whole art! I don’t care what anyone says. Angles matter man!!  This does not make me opposed to anyone who may express opposite interests levels. In fact some of my favorite bloggers use their platform to speak on these topics providing details on outfits, hair and makeup, travel and still do so in an in-depth way that speaks to women by encouraging them to realize they’re popping! I benefit from them so much!  At the same time I’m often like “but what about this perspective?” Then I’m left searching.

That is when I realized I am my audience of one first and foremost.

I am talking to women who are like me in the sense that they’re not easily impressed with the lights and cameras of this world. We work hard, love hard, stay true to ourselves and to others despite how much we may battle feelings of insecurity, heartbreak or just being down right tired of the day to day feelings of defeat.  We may be different in our professions and marital status but keeping it real with ourselves is always first. We’ve fought for this level of comfort and it will literally cost us more than we can afford to compromise it in order to appeal to the likes of others. This means owning our feelings and continuously asking ourselves the “why” questions. Even about the seemingly easy decisions we make as far as our appearance and mannerisms go.

There is a reason I’m adamant about maintaining my self-confidence the way I do.

It was once non-existent.

So yes, when I decide to talk about what I choose not to put on my face daily it will always go deeper than the surface. When I talk about why I’m intentional about certain things I choose to wear or not to wear this isn’t to bash women who do not make the same decisions. It is because I learned and accept that I do have a responsibility to the men around me, although I am not responsible for how certain men will perceive or attempt to approach me.  What I can be sure is that I am not dressing in a way that convicts ME. I do not care to talk about my shoe closet regardless if I paid $50 or $500 for a pair. Not even about how much I do love them ALL. Because anyone who knows me knows that the shoe always comes first! When I talk about travels I want to share how I met a family in Belize with the sweetest little children who opened their space and offered their time to my best friend and I just because. I don’t always want to experience the five star hotel luxuries. That’s not living to me!

I have to go below the surface. It’s the only way I know how to be. Especially here.

These are positions I cannot be afraid to reveal because they may not be the most popular and there may be backlash from those who disagree or people may not want to read my blog because of it.  I’ve never been afraid to speak my mind or quickly let someone know they have me all the way messed up if they get out of line. At the same time I’ve also matured enough to not want to offend anyone. Bottom line is that my preference should not have anyone else pressed and if they do so be it. I want to be able to express my point of view and reasons behind the decisions I make in hopes that I will encourage other women to do the same on their own terms. Not by being persuasive, offensive or dogmatic in my approach. That’s the “influence” I desire.

What I am saying is that I am a woman, and yes I love to look my best but according to my preferences. I enjoy eating out and traveling like most of us. I shop too much and love a good ole party but Bubbling Brooke for me has to go deeper than that. I have to always keep in the forefront my reason for starting this blog. Who needed this the most? I did. And other women like me who find it almost impossible to not feel inadequate at times because we’re not dolled up daily and may not be the most beautiful in the eyes of the world. We may feel unaccomplished, or like we’re not doing our best. Our blogs, brands and businesses may not have this massive social media following. And the beauty of it all is that we’re more than ok with it because ultimately, even if there is only one person in the audience  that’s more than enough!

Thank you all for taking the time to read and  for all your comments. I appreciate you!

B