Ch. 34| To Reign or not to Rein

 

I celebrated my 34th birthday on March 19th with some family and close friends. Since it fell on a Sunday the festivities were brunch at Kitchen 713 followed by Sunday funday shenanigans. The night was capped off with an intimate dinner at my current favorite restaurant here in Houston, Steak 48. The seating adjacent to the kitchen give me a vibe I can’t deny!

I always look forward to my birthday as do most. This year was a little different. The weeks leading up were very difficult emotionally. I was sad, and frustrated yet I could not pinpoint why.  I had just moved into a house, I got my car back after being in a fender bender, I had my health, same good bunch of friends and I was still with the love of my life. I was employed, blog was coming along, and my loved ones were all in good health. Life wasn’t perfect but it was better than good.

Yet, I was constantly wrestling with this feeling of discontentment. I had plans to take some professional photos and was planning a soft blog launch event. None of which took place. It got so bad that a few days before my birthday I was driving home from Wal-Mart and texted a good friend these words “I’m miserable!” In the texts to follow I found myself venting about my relationship and everything else. I was doing the most because I failed to rein in those thoughts. I had let my feelings at the moment dictate how I would respond. Being adamant about everyone else’s position and state of mind I continued on this rant in an effort to explain WHY I was miserable,  to no fault of my own of course. When in fact all I was doing was having a pity party manipulating the circumstances to be in my favor. This was not intentional but I now know that is exactly what I was doing. The weeks leading up to that moment served as a trail to the bait and I took it the moment I texted those words.

The next morning, after a lengthy text conversation which was followed by a heart to heart with Jesus on the way to work, I realized that the person I was disappointed with was myself. This isn’t to say that I did not have legit concerns or issues to address with others. But ultimately I had forfeited the right to be in control by not holding myself accountable. Allowing feelings to dictate how we will respond is like being on a float in the ocean. You start right where the waves meet the shore and the next thing you know you’ve drifted out to sea trying to figure out how you got there so quickly. I was in the middle of the ocean surrounded by all these fleeting feelings I invited to stay for way too long.

Taking inventory of our lives is necessary. Especially when it comes to our emotions.  We must continuously ensure that we are taking good care of our heart. It is the wellspring of life and yet it is still flesh operating from a fragile nature. Therefore, we must not neglect the mind. We know all too well that our mind and heart do not always operate on one accord. Nevertheless, the battle is always fought on the battlefield of the mind for the heart to be won!  I had to ask myself some where the rubber meets the road questions. Truthfully, there was a time in my life where unfortunately, I was absolutely miserable but failed to acknowledge it in order to overcome it timely. My life during that season looked very different. As I say often “it’s all perspective”! That is why I needed to ask myself those questions. For starters:

  1. What does misery look like?
  2. Does my current life look like that picture?
  3. Is anyone forcing me to do something I do not want to?
  4. Am I living out what I know I should be?

The words we choose to describe something are powerful and can either build or destroy. So often we use words without really taking into consideration if they’re the best choice to be applied at that time. Thoughts become words and words become actions. We must rein in those negative thoughts as soon as possible. The longer we entertain them the more comfortable we become with their presence. It becomes more difficult to think clearly if all we’re doing is being ruled by our emotions and no longer doing the ruling!

Had I not gotten myself back on track and continued to believe the lie that I was miserable, my life would’ve started to take on the shape of one that truly was. I would not have been able to enjoy my 34th birthday or any day while in that state of mind. There will be other times when I will have to fight for control. There will be times again when I will lose that battle because I chose to quit. We can always bounce back as long as we are intentional about doing so. As long as we pay attention to how far we’ve begun to drift away from the safety of the shore we will not find ourselves in danger of being lost.

The question we must ask ourselves daily is “To reign or not to rein?”A Queen mentality does not exempt us from frustrations, struggle or emotional warfare. When the crown gets set aside and we have given up control, the war is not lost. The battle however does indeed become longer and more difficult.

I look forward to another year of love, joy and peace within myself first and as a result the same to overflow into the lives of others.

Be Blessed

B

 

 

 

PSA | Planning Progress and Pressure

 

The past few weeks have been a blur for me. I have not gotten any type of routine down after moving out of my apartment of seven years. Although I have more space in my new home I still have not designated a “reflection area”. This is an issue for me because I produce best when I’m in my zone.  I’m easily distracted to say the least. Therefore, I must be separated from the noise. If I could improve in one area of my life it would definitely be my ability to “cancel out the noise”. Not just the volume of the television or music being played, but all the thoughts I am trying to process at one time. What I need to do at home, why I need to do it, rehearsing how I’m going to address someone, trying to determine how I’ll get all my  work done etc. Too many tabs are open at one time as they are for the majority of us women today irrespective of profession and or marital status.

My sister and a few of my friends are in the event planning business. Quite frankly, I do not see how they do it. Planning an event from start to finish, from conception to execution literally gives me anxiety. Planning is not my strongpoint. So much of who I am is being able to go with the flow even if the current suddenly changes. While this definitely has its benefits, it also makes it very difficult to stay focused on one task at a time. This blog is proving that to be even truer than I realized.  I have to be intentional about posting and what direction I want to go in. If you were to ask me what my goal is for Bubbling Brooke three , six  and nine months from now and how I plan on achieving those goals, I honestly couldn’t tell you the specifics. That’s a harsh reality but I acknowledge it so that I can overcome it. This isn’t because I do not have a vision. My vision has not changed. I started this blog with the intent to be as transparent as I can about the woman I’ve become and the journey to arrive at this point,  hoping to inspire other women along the way with hard truths, love and the joys I’ve discovered.  This will never change because it is the most authentic way I can be. What has to change is my approach or else I will not produce what I know I am capable of. I won’t’ reach the women I know need to be reached. I won’t grow in the areas where I’ve been stagnant.  Everything is resting on my ability to plan ahead and follow through.

At the same time, I cannot become so fixated on what the future will look like, that I neglect the necessary reflection on the progress I’ve already made.  Our society places so much focus on what still needs to be done. So much that we may not produce the fruit we should because we fail to see what our progress looks like. How effective can I be in the future without first recognizing what I’ve already accomplished? What am I building on? Bricks are layered not only set side by side.  When I realized my planning deficiency immediately I began setting goals. Well, the problem with that was, I didn’t know where to start. There was no flow to them. I was all over the place which was frustrating to say the least. Once I took a minute to actually put into perspective the goals I’ve already accomplished, the topics I’ve discussed and the feedback I’ve received, it became that much easier for me to set additional short-term goals.  Proper planning and progress reflection are both essential to dealing with the pressure of achieving the level of success determined by oneself .

Pressure is almost always self-inflicted initially. Outside pressure only becomes a factor when we have not taken the necessary steps towards the goal. When we’ve not done what we should have. This is true in both personal and professional areas of our lives. I find that in my professional life when I am asked to provide detail on a specific project, where I have not been as proactive as I should have been, the pressure seems to go from a normal 4 or 5 to a whole 10. Not because my boss is applying the pressure but simply because I failed to plan and assess my progress,  leaving me in a “not ready” state when asked to deliver.  Most of the time I stay on my toes though. We all know the saying “If you stay ready you won’t have to get ready”. I’ve had so many people ask me questions related to the vision tangibles of Bubbling Brooke that I was not prepared to answer. I guess part of me is surprised that I’m even being asked such specific questions like “do you plan on monetizing?”, “will you have any fashion and travel posts?”, “Will there be any features?”. Don’t get me wrong I have a constant tab open with those questions but my lack of planning, and progress assessment left me so lost. Furthermore, what I realized is that I have a responsibility to myself and those who support  me simply because they love me. As well as to those who believe in this purpose driven adventure for whatever their reason may be. It is a responsibility to see it through to fruition. To properly go about this thing with an execution that matches the passion. I thought just taking the leap was enough. I was okay with that small victory but really I was comfortable with it because it was all I was ready for.

I am totally out of my element in my house right now and in this blog arena. But at one point I am certain the butterfly must’ve thought the cocoon was the place of death. Instead we all now that its true purpose in all that makes it uncomfortable and even scary is transformation. It is beautifully designed that way as is this journey that I will continue on. Only now I know that it will require me to properly plan, evaluate my progress and handle pressure effectively so that I will stay ready.

My affirmation for the week is obvious

“I will stay ready so that I will not have to get ready”.

What are some of the ways you set goals and plan for the future?

BB

 

BTween Us | Love by the Rules

 

To be a woman in today’s society can be difficult especially for the single woman without children , who desires to be married and have a family.

When I refer to the single woman this does not omit those who are in a relationship. As far as I am concerned you are either: single, married or divorced. You’re still a “single” no matter how committed you may be or what your state considers common law. I sometimes get very frustrated with the way today’s woman is portrayed. She’s either too aggressive or overly passive. Social media, television and the movies  presents to us this over-achieving woman that doesn’t need a man. If she does have one she’s constantly reminding him and everyone else how she doesn’t need him to be complete, successful, happy etc. Well duh we’re in control of ALL that regardless of our relationship status. The other woman presented to us is weak and cannot live without a man. I rarely give relationship advice for two reasons: 1.) I’ve experienced too much and 2.)I’ve overcome too much! So while I may be able to relate and empathize it’s hard to sympathize. There’s a big difference between the two. Women do not want to take ownership of their own feelings and actions. We are the most intuitive of all God’s creation and yet we become almost oblivious to this when in love.

Time is of the essence indeed! It didn’t take me 3yrs to realize I wanted to share my life with my man, I in fact knew almost immediately. But what I didn’t know is how I wanted that to look. How I wanted myself to look in that equation or him. We both needed to grow up in various areas of our lives before we could think about taking that vow. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying stay around forever waiting on someone to give you your heart’s desire or in an unhealthy situation. Never do that. Your own convictions will tell you when it’s time to go. If I could only give one piece of advice it would be, do not be coerced into thinking that you are ready when you know you’re not! 

There was a season of about 2 years when I wanted to be married so bad because I was “getting old”. Majority of my friends were married, had children or both. Daily social media memes were telling me something was wrong with me, my man didn’t love me and I was stupid basically for being with someone longer than (insert expiration date). To make matters worse family & friends were asking the infamous “When y’all getting married, and/or when you going to have a baby?” questions. The biological clock was going off in every room! That spilled over into my relationship in the worst way. I acted out of frustration that I initially did not have even though I did want a family.

What I have come to realize and be grateful for is the fact that the single woman is in the best position, to serve others, to be a good friend and to identify where she needs to grow before she becomes committed to someone for life. It is during this season she must define who she is and what she values most. I know because I am her. This leads me to my affirmation for the week;

“I am not the exception. I am the rule”

I will not allow my past, present personal struggles with how long it’s taking me to start a family or the pressure of the society we live in to become this hard-hearted woman cause me to think otherwise. I am loyal to my relationship because I am a loyal person in general. I choose to encourage in my relationship instead of telling him how many mistakes he’s making or what a “man” is because I genuinely believe in him. I still support myself and if we need anything we’re there for each other by choice because we are committed. Yet, at the same time I realize we have no obligations to each other in this regard as long as I still have my Father’s last name. That’s too much counter-cultural thinking huh? According to this present-day he needs to be opening me up a business and giving me his whole check. SMH.

Don’t’ get me wrong, there are several boundaries that need to be set up which you must define for  yourself. I urge you to do not allow these “know it all, I finally got my man” women tell you how to move in your relationship with dogmatism. Seek good counsel but ultimately it’s your love therefore it’s your risk but it doesn’t have to be what makes you you being compromised. Relationships are already hard. Furthermore, don’t make them more difficult because you refuse to stand up for yourself. If you’re unhappy leave! If you constantly emasculate your man in the name of ‘feminism” or whatever don’t be surprised when he shuts down. Whatever the case may be you have to find a way to align your mind and your heart. This is more than difficult but very necessary. If you’re expecting the outside world to see your relationship as you do you’re sadly mistaken.  Our family and friends want the best for us, but they are not us. They do not have our hearts; they cannot love someone the same way we do. Learn who you are choosing to be with and in that learning accept them for who they are but still set the record straight on where you need them to grow. Likewise, do the same for yourself.

My greatest lesson in relationships has been to acknowledge what I have accepted. I cannot allow myself to constantly become frustrated with what I’ve already accepted.  If I do, that’s on me. Does that mean I have to continue accepting rule-breaking behavior whether it’s mine or my man’s? Absolutely NOT!  In every area of our lives we must ask ourselves the hard questions if we want to grow. These questions can only be answered by YOU! For starters:  Why are you with this person? Are you happy? Do you still believe in this relationship? Are you afraid of being alone?

Over the years my position as the “RULE” has been more than challenged. I’ve doubted it due to the way this journey has gone, what society says and my insecurities. In some instances my own behavior has caused me the most frustration.  At times the rule has been broken but instead of setting it aside I learned to REINFORCE it, starting with myself.

You are not the exception you are the rule

You are still what a woman should be

Head held high even with broken pieces of your heart on the ground

Despite your circumstances you continue on in what you know to be right

When you fall down or get discouraged

Remember your design is not in vain

The love in your heart does not go unnoticed

It remains unchanged

If anyone has not told you today

You are still worth it

Always was

Always will be

XOXO

BB

 

 

 

 

 

PSA: Just WIN!!

 

By now the world knows that once again the New England Patriots are Super bowl champions. Football isn’t my favorite sport but I am a sports fan. So, while I do not have any personal investment in the Atlanta Falcons or New England Patriots, I respect winners. Tom Brady’s name is synonymous with winning period.

Like most, you either love him or hate him. Isn’t that how it goes? No matter how successful he has been there’s someone who will try to discredit his achievements. I woke up with this on my mind as we start a new week. If we are going to go through life and set any type of goal for ourselves with the end result being success, we are going to have naysayers. There will be those people who no matter what you do, or how you do it will find fault in what you’ve worked your butt off to accomplish. And you know what, that’s probably the best way to know you’re doing something right. At the end of the day, all you got to do is win! Just win! Whatever that looks like for you…

We can learn a lot from Tom Brady’s road to success. He wasn’t a top pick in the draft. As a matter of fact the man was picked 199th in the sixth round! Now you do not have to know a lot about football to know that being picked 199th in anything is not something to be desired. Can you imagine the doubt that was settling in his mind at the time? Even if it was only for one second that one little seed of doubt could’ve changed his entire path had he chosen to believe it

Fast forward 16 years later, he’s a five time Super bowl champion and once again the MVP (Most Valuable Player) of the game. Some might argue he’s the greatest football player of all time not just the greatest QB to ever play the game. It’s a valid argument, not one I am prepared to debate.

What I am prepared to say this morning is that despite how much success he’s had in his career. It still will not be enough to silence those who refuse to acknowledge it or accept that he’s earned it. It never will be.

The same goes for us. We will never be able to please everyone, or prove to everyone that we deserve our success because we put in the work. Nah, someone gave it to us, or we cheated, or we must have thrown someone in the office under the bus to get the promotion. Even before the success comes to fruition there will be those who will only see us as that 199th pick and will feed the same doubt that we’re working so hard to overcome in our own minds.

I’ve come to a place where I realize that no matter the journey, no matter the obstacles and naysayers along the road to success that we will endure, there’s something impossible to deny, and that is winning! I hope this week each of you will make it a point to continue perfecting your craft and prove them wrong.

My affirmation this week is

“I believe in myself more than anyone else”

Take a page from Tom Brady’s book and win! Again and again and again and again…..

BB

 

 

BtweenUs| Me & Feminism; Owning My Position

 

One of the hardest obstacles to overcome for me at times has been accepting and owning the feeling of indifference towards certain culture initiatives. Especially, when it feels as if the entire world has formed a coalition that makes you feel as if you’re seemingly in complete contrast to their cause. You become the enemy.

I grew up in a predominately female family. My grandmother is 90 years old looking 70 still rocking her painted nails, gemstone jewelry and all while owning her” it’s all about me” attitude. Let me see 90 you can bet I’ll be a problem. The traditional family is not what I saw growing up. Although my father and mother were married majority of my child hood my mother was a single parent. My Aunties were single mothers as well except for one. Most of my cousins are women, and I have two sisters. So “Girl Power” is a way of life for me and always has been. I remember vividly, my mother getting dressed for work. She had this dark wooded vanity mirror. She’d drink a coke and listen to Anita Baker. My favorite memory was her putting on her  red lipstick and stockings. All I could think of was “that’s what I want to do …be a grown woman, drink coke, wear red lipstick, listen to Anita baker and most of all wear stockings.” No lie. She was super woman to me. She still is! But my viewing her as super woman was never a result of feeling like she was oppressed because of her singleness and her having to raise three girls with heads full of hair, with three different personalities.  Not because of her having to work the 3 to 11 shift which caused her to not be able to pick us up from school or even be home when it was time for bed. Sometimes we’d go to go to work with her though!  I never saw that as her being given the short end of the stick. None of our struggles made me feel like my mama was living in an unjust world towards women. Although that may have been true. I know it was hard, and she sacrificed so much for my sisters and me. I just saw her doing what she does; Conquer the world!

Part of that meant she never missed a basketball game, or a track meet, or an awards show, school program or a teacher conference or anything else that involved her children. There was absolutely nothing more important to her than us, not even her job! Today career is everything to women and I understand the drive for success, the inequality that we deal with and overall the way women in general are viewed. I’ve experienced it first-hand but at the same time I had an example of resilience and strength and sacrifice that has shaped my view of what a woman is! Nothing can destroy that. I didn’t agree with every choice she made as I got older, and I gave her all the hell I could unfortunately. My mama never bad mouthed my father to me or uttered the words “I don’t need a man” which would’ve planted a totally different seed of perception in me. She may have expressed her frustrations but she did not plant that seed of resentment. Her encouragement towards me and my sisters was always in direct response to what we wanted to do. She did not focus on who was going tell me I couldn’t. There was no need to tell me I needed to be a “feminist” or down talk men (not all do) for not handling their business. She was silent in ways that allowed me to form my own perception and take my position.  I still don’t know what a feminist is and I will never refer to myself as one. Yes, I agree with some of the issues addressed, of course I do. But some I don’t. Others I’m not even sure what the issue is. You ask five different self-proclaimed feminists what it means and you’ll get five different answers.  The truth is that I’m usually indifferent to these “movements” because you must understand the root to fully recognize the fruit that it is designed to produce.

While I know, this isn’t the only subject addressed it’s a constant topic of discussion and one I have had on several occasions.  I’d be a liar if I said that I do not feel as if the home is the primary focus of a woman who chooses to have a family. I wholeheartedly feel that way! Shame on me I guess. This is not to say we should not strive for professional greatness. Go get what you want! It is not to say that I do not realize there is inequality in corporate America that women face. Most importantly let’s be clear, that my position on the matter is NOT saying I feel women should not work. Why would I feel that way in the first place coming from a single parent home? My point is, what good am I as a chief executive, fighting for a spot at the board room table if the demands of my position require me to have a nanny or some other form of childcare that spends more time with my family than I do. That just does not appeal to me and I hope it never does. Yet I’m not so far removed from the realities. Via the family group chat on those days I find myself at work until 8pm, I’ll send a text saying something like

“So, which one of y’all gonna be picking my baby up from daycare on these days if necessary?”

Don’t get me wrong I realize some circumstances call for long periods of separation between a mother and her family due to her working 2 and 3 jobs or going to school but those are “seasons” not desired choices for long term. It’s sad but in these types of discussions I’ve had to intentionally clarify that because the feminist of the year would come for me saying I’m stuck in the 30’s or something …LOL! It’s almost as if you’re either team feminist, pump your fist in the air, compete with every man you see yelling “anything you can do I can do and better” or you’re against all women. Or you don’t care about what’s happening. That couldn’t be further from the truth.  I speak from this side of the coin from experience. First thing you should know about me is that I am all for the beautiful design of womanhood. What I’ve learned is that this is where the conversation must begin with me. It is my root.

My view of womanhood may not be the same as the next woman. So, if we’re going to march for the rights of ALL women how about easing up on those who may not hold the same position as you and is quite alright in her indifference towards having to be labeled a feminist during this age in order to be politically correct. Furthermore, would prefer not to be.  This doesn’t make her your enemy in the fight for women’s rights and equality. 

Nevertheless, I loved seeing all the women come together this past weekend across the nation voicing themselves during the women’s march protests. It was inspiring to see all the courage!! I am all about courage. Besides, it’s what I saw daily as she got dressed, drank her coke, put on her red lipstick and stockings, with Anita Baker filling the air.

Keep being strong and courageous beautiful women no matter your position.

BB