How I Came Out of My Valley

Some experiences, moments and seasons of life aren’t meant to be shared with others in depth. There are those that are simply necessary to be felt, to be endured, and to be overcome by you. Not everything can be explained.

I wanted to adequately describe my latest “Valley Experience”. I wanted to provide the next woman who finds herself in the valley with ways to help deal with how she felt. I wanted to be able to equip her with instructions on how to come out better than when she went in. I wanted to provide ways to help her pass the time. But what I realize is that the feelings must be addressed per personal experience and cannot be ignored and time cannot just be passed. She must endure for however long just as I did. That is not something you can teach. That is something we have to choose.

In the valley is where you grow but that growth isn’t always apparent immediately. I’m still not sure I fully understand how I’ve grown from my experience yet. What I am able to share is that I felt three very real emotions during these past few months in ways I hadn’t in quite some time, if ever.

First I felt low.

As a woman I’ve felt low before so it’s not a new feeling. Only this time it wasn’t due to heartbreak or some disrespectful comment made about my appearance or a condescending remark regarding my capabilities and achievements or lack thereof. I felt low as in helpless. I was far away from any hope of overcoming my insecurities. Weak in spirit is what I was. That pretty much sums it up.  I was trying to rely on my insufficient ability to lift myself up by means of coercion and tension.  There was no progress being made. If anything I felt lower and lower until I realized that I had to embrace those insecure moments if I were to ever rise above them. This is no quick fix. It calls for intentional efforts continuously.

What I felt the more frequently was lost.

Constantly, asking myself, how did I get here? There wasn’t any one incident in particular I could recall that brought me to this place. But I was there and I had no clear direction on how to get out. So I stopped trying. It’s as if I set up tent and accepted that this was my home for a while. Though not a physical place literally, mentally I was in the valley and my mind needed resting. My heart needed settling. I didn’t panic no matter how hard it got and there were times when I thought I wouldn’t make it. I was able to find comfort in knowing that this experience was a part of my journey. I was reminded that what the Lord commands he enables. This may have single handily kept me in an operable mental space. Sounds dramatic huh? Well valley experiences can be just that surreal. Your mental health requires examinations just as much as your physical health does. As women of color I hope we begin to realize the importance of this.

Lastly, I felt unloved.

This was hard to realize. Once I did what I had to accept was that this feeling of being unloved was a lie that I told myself way too often. If we tell ourselves anything long enough we’ll believe it without a doubt soon enough. But who didn’t love me, and why not? Jesus loves me. My family loves me. I have dear friends that love me. The truth was I just didn’t like me. Like and love are not the same but because I was unaware of how much I didn’t like who I was, it felt as if I was not loved at all. I didn’t like how I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of and almost bullied in some situations, simply because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. I didn’t like how I was shrinking when I should’ve stood tall. I didn’t like how those who so called knew me best were treating me as if they didn’t and I said nothing. The truth is that people prefer to use your less than appealing moments to infer that they know you so well.  I didn’t like how I was just being a wimp in life because that I am not. I resented myself for all those reasons.

I came out of this experience what seems like suddenly but it was anything but. I cried every single day for a few months. I do cry easily but these were tears of desperation. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted the pressure to be lifted and the anxiety to go away! Instead I remained  present. There were days when nothing made sense. Those around me were being used in ways they clearly were unaware of but nevertheless they triggered things in me I still cannot explain. God knows.

What I often see is so many women looking for guidance on how to live their individual lives. As if a generic step-by-step guide is enough. No one wants to feel, endure and overcome these uncomfortable, inexplicable experiences regardless of how unavoidable they are.

But I’m here to reassure you that the time you spend present in the valley will reveal to you things about yourself that no mountaintop can.

B

 

 

Btween Us| Lessons in Self-Love

When it comes to love we all have our definitions. It is perceived differently from person to person. That makes it very difficult to speak on it without inserting your own experiences. Yet, what other place can someone speak to a situation from??  Experience drives perception. And if you’ve read any of my posts you know what I’m going to say next. It’s all perspective.

Relationships are hard off top. You have two imperfect people who come together at different times in their lives from different backgrounds with different experiences and expectations. All these differences are communicated and interpreted throughout the life of that relationship and so much can happen as feelings develop. From first dates to talks of marriage and in between is when boundaries are established and crossed, expectations are set and left unmet. It is during these times love is tested, strengthened and sometimes abandoned. Yet, an abandoned love does not equate to failure. It may be the absolute strongest test of faith to walk away from something and someone you once believed in. To surrender the life you envisioned with someone for one that no longer involves them.

As I write this I find myself reflecting on a time as a young twenty-something fighting for a love that was anything but and at the same time today a thirty-something woman fighting with someone for a love we won’t let die. Let’s be clear it is not because there hasn’t been sufficient enough reason for both of us to walk away. In both instances my feelings were real no matter how unrealistic my expectations were in my 20’s or how uncompromising they are today. The difference is growth and intentions.

Growth– Over time I began to understand how imperfect I am regardless of how good of a woman I consider myself to be. I also realize that I am always in control of what I choose to accept and choose not to accept.

Intentions– I chose to enter every relationship after that twenty-something heartbreak with the intentions that I will be who I am because it is simply who I am and not because I want it to persuade a man to treat me a certain way.

I can say without a doubt I have no regrets in how my past relationships have ended and do not feel like I’ve given something to someone that wasn’t deserved. That is a mindset that leaves so many women bitter whether they realize it or not. Of course it wasn’t deserved. However, it was not because they were unworthy necessarily but because I was giving more than I should have to that person to begin with. It is so easy to pour into a relationship prematurely because we do not want to be alone, or we have this idea of what our lives should look like or we’re just soul-tied to another person we have no business being with. It isn’t only about that person not deserving us, it is far more complex than that. This is a hard truth but one I always return to.

I prefer to look at my relationship now not so much in a measurement of worthiness rather in a realistic approach and sound decision making of whether or not it is worth it?? Is he worth it? Am I worth it? Are we worth the fight, patience, forgiveness, and most of all the restoration when we reach a breaking point?  There is a difference between someone being worthy and someone being worth it. In many ways I may not be worthy at times because I fall short of even of my own expectations. I’ve done some crazy things I’m not afraid to admit that. Still I’ll always be worth it and maybe that alone makes me worthy. This is how I approach love. Until it is no longer worth it I’ll fight. When it no longer makes sense I’ll let it go. I’ve grown in so many ways from heartbreak and failed relationships that had I not experienced those times, my life could look very different in the worst way. How do I know? Well, there have been plenty of times when I could’ve played the victim and allowed that to weaken me or I could choose to grow up. That meant  acknowledging the part I played and also accepting my responsibility to forgive and move on. In doing so I chose to retain my power for future relationships.

Women have so much power in a relationship. It will go how you set the tone for it to go. This isn’t saying they’ll be pain free but however much you want to invest and endure is up to you. Not anyone else. You cannot be ashamed of what may transpire even if it causes you shame. It’s a journey and love is a journey meant to build. So many women find themselves in a battle between maintaining self – love and loving a man. As if one has to compromise the other. Self-love is not how much you choose not to endure primarily. In fact self-love today is not what women need to be taught. Self-love is what the human race does the best. Whatever self we are at any given season of life is the self we’re going to love and choose every single time. No matter how ugly, or beautiful, broken or put together it may be inside and out. We love ourselves we just need to be better lovers.

Self-love also is not determined based on allowing others to dictate whether or not you’ve forgiven your ex enough times or what a date should consist of. Self-love is more than stating what you’re worth it is also being able to provide that same level of passion, support and whatever else you require for yourself to your significant other. Self-love will require you to be vulnerable but that doesn’t mean you’re naive. It will require of you to keep to yourself the struggles you’ve experienced in your relationship because you are sacrificing and enduring. Those two concepts do not go over well in today’s culture. People’s “fallback” games are too strong. Self-love always chooses to love. But love is not always who you want it to be yet it is indeed always who you need if you’ll be open to the lesson.

When it comes to love you set the boundary. You push the line back or erase it. That is done on your own terms. Each relationship has to be nurtured from where it is at that time in order to get to the next level of difficulty because they only get harder. Love is realizing it isn’t something to run from or to ever feel as if it is not worth another try. My twenty-something relationship was the hardest one ever not because that person was “the one” and it failed but because I had to learn by continual testing that I was in complete control yet I relinquished it over and over.  I was not blinded by love. I was foolish. Instead of accepting that person for who he was I thought I could do something to make him better. I thought like most women do, that I could love him enough to make him be better towards me and himself for that matter in order to save our relationship. I could not.

Whatever growth he experienced during our relationship was still his decision. My influence was just that. Influence! He owes me nothing. Too many women look to take credit for the maturity of a man. I am glad that my suffering emotionally and growing pains helped another soul mature in any way. Fast forward to the time when this person matured to the point he was ready to give me an apology, I had already accepted my own contribution to my unhappiness during that season. I had already forgiven him and moved on because I realized he wasn’t my forever. As soon as I did that as a result I was choosing a love that at the time I hadn’t even experienced yet and maybe still haven’t. Who knows? But what I do know is that it was a lesson not a loss. I can’t lose who was never meant to be mine. I restored my faith in love and got through the heartbreak becoming a better self.

I cheered at the thought that one day this person may be able to find his forever. Thirty-something Brooke’s definition of love was defined by twenty-something Brooke’s refusal to accept that just because I was a good woman to the wrong man that I was no longer worth the fight. Like most women I’ve been through it behind a man more times than I’d like to admit. So I can relate! TRUST ME!! I’ve felt taken for granted and unappreciated. I’ve had to deal with other women and I battled insecurities. There is this stigma against women who are pouring into someone all that they have and it appears that it may be all for nothing. I do not have the answer to that. What I am willing to do is speak back into you the courage required to love again after heartbreak steals it from you.  It may be courage to reconcile with an ex or start a brand new journey with someone else or even to be single for a while.

Whatever your situation I hope you all will never stop fighting for love after loss! Restoration is just a new birth towards forever so allow the past to prepare you for the future. Your better self-love waits…..

B

An Audience of One

About a week ago I was on Snap Chat after my workout per usual low-key venting. I felt I had been a bit mild in my posts not really wanting to offend anyone because my views on certain subjects can be counter cultural. For those who follow me on snap, y’all know I can go off about certain topics LOL! It is what happened mid vent session that once again put things into perspective for me as it relates to my “target audience”.  A friend of mine had been off social media and hadn’t gotten around to visiting Bubbling Brooke.  She binge read all of my posts and texted me her thoughts on each one. Can we say “on time”!!! I love confirmation!  God always sends confirmation and conviction when we need it most. It is up to us to take heed to it or not but that’s another post for another day.

The significance of her texts was not that others hadn’t commented on posts or texted me their feedback or that her opinion weighed so much more. It was that where I was at that very moment was a place of second guessing my abilities and my mission. I was wondering if the audience I was attempting to reach maybe was not the right audience, that maybe I needed rethink who I was talking to. Maybe I needed to conform to the more popular methods of blogging. Focusing on my wardrobe, hair, travel, politics etc. Afterall, those are things that I am interested in and eventually want to add to the layers of this platform. However, doing so would not help me determine who I was talking to. I’d still need to speak with an authentic transparency .

There is no glamour to my lifestyle. No matter how far I’ve traveled around the world or the restaurants I’ve dined at, or the designer clothes I wear. I’m a simple Houston woman who really just prefers to be off the scene. I’m not interested in contouring and highlights, my style of dress is more modest than it is trendy and sexy.  I don’t find myself to be very photogenic. I’m real awkward to be honest when it comes to picture taking. That in itself is a whole art! I don’t care what anyone says. Angles matter man!!  This does not make me opposed to anyone who may express opposite interests levels. In fact some of my favorite bloggers use their platform to speak on these topics providing details on outfits, hair and makeup, travel and still do so in an in-depth way that speaks to women by encouraging them to realize they’re popping! I benefit from them so much!  At the same time I’m often like “but what about this perspective?” Then I’m left searching.

That is when I realized I am my audience of one first and foremost.

I am talking to women who are like me in the sense that they’re not easily impressed with the lights and cameras of this world. We work hard, love hard, stay true to ourselves and to others despite how much we may battle feelings of insecurity, heartbreak or just being down right tired of the day to day feelings of defeat.  We may be different in our professions and marital status but keeping it real with ourselves is always first. We’ve fought for this level of comfort and it will literally cost us more than we can afford to compromise it in order to appeal to the likes of others. This means owning our feelings and continuously asking ourselves the “why” questions. Even about the seemingly easy decisions we make as far as our appearance and mannerisms go.

There is a reason I’m adamant about maintaining my self-confidence the way I do.

It was once non-existent.

So yes, when I decide to talk about what I choose not to put on my face daily it will always go deeper than the surface. When I talk about why I’m intentional about certain things I choose to wear or not to wear this isn’t to bash women who do not make the same decisions. It is because I learned and accept that I do have a responsibility to the men around me, although I am not responsible for how certain men will perceive or attempt to approach me.  What I can be sure is that I am not dressing in a way that convicts ME. I do not care to talk about my shoe closet regardless if I paid $50 or $500 for a pair. Not even about how much I do love them ALL. Because anyone who knows me knows that the shoe always comes first! When I talk about travels I want to share how I met a family in Belize with the sweetest little children who opened their space and offered their time to my best friend and I just because. I don’t always want to experience the five star hotel luxuries. That’s not living to me!

I have to go below the surface. It’s the only way I know how to be. Especially here.

These are positions I cannot be afraid to reveal because they may not be the most popular and there may be backlash from those who disagree or people may not want to read my blog because of it.  I’ve never been afraid to speak my mind or quickly let someone know they have me all the way messed up if they get out of line. At the same time I’ve also matured enough to not want to offend anyone. Bottom line is that my preference should not have anyone else pressed and if they do so be it. I want to be able to express my point of view and reasons behind the decisions I make in hopes that I will encourage other women to do the same on their own terms. Not by being persuasive, offensive or dogmatic in my approach. That’s the “influence” I desire.

What I am saying is that I am a woman, and yes I love to look my best but according to my preferences. I enjoy eating out and traveling like most of us. I shop too much and love a good ole party but Bubbling Brooke for me has to go deeper than that. I have to always keep in the forefront my reason for starting this blog. Who needed this the most? I did. And other women like me who find it almost impossible to not feel inadequate at times because we’re not dolled up daily and may not be the most beautiful in the eyes of the world. We may feel unaccomplished, or like we’re not doing our best. Our blogs, brands and businesses may not have this massive social media following. And the beauty of it all is that we’re more than ok with it because ultimately, even if there is only one person in the audience  that’s more than enough!

Thank you all for taking the time to read and  for all your comments. I appreciate you!

B

Ch. 34| To Reign or not to Rein

 

I celebrated my 34th birthday on March 19th with some family and close friends. Since it fell on a Sunday the festivities were brunch at Kitchen 713 followed by Sunday funday shenanigans. The night was capped off with an intimate dinner at my current favorite restaurant here in Houston, Steak 48. The seating adjacent to the kitchen give me a vibe I can’t deny!

I always look forward to my birthday as do most. This year was a little different. The weeks leading up were very difficult emotionally. I was sad, and frustrated yet I could not pinpoint why.  I had just moved into a house, I got my car back after being in a fender bender, I had my health, same good bunch of friends and I was still with the love of my life. I was employed, blog was coming along, and my loved ones were all in good health. Life wasn’t perfect but it was better than good.

Yet, I was constantly wrestling with this feeling of discontentment. I had plans to take some professional photos and was planning a soft blog launch event. None of which took place. It got so bad that a few days before my birthday I was driving home from Wal-Mart and texted a good friend these words “I’m miserable!” In the texts to follow I found myself venting about my relationship and everything else. I was doing the most because I failed to rein in those thoughts. I had let my feelings at the moment dictate how I would respond. Being adamant about everyone else’s position and state of mind I continued on this rant in an effort to explain WHY I was miserable,  to no fault of my own of course. When in fact all I was doing was having a pity party manipulating the circumstances to be in my favor. This was not intentional but I now know that is exactly what I was doing. The weeks leading up to that moment served as a trail to the bait and I took it the moment I texted those words.

The next morning, after a lengthy text conversation which was followed by a heart to heart with Jesus on the way to work, I realized that the person I was disappointed with was myself. This isn’t to say that I did not have legit concerns or issues to address with others. But ultimately I had forfeited the right to be in control by not holding myself accountable. Allowing feelings to dictate how we will respond is like being on a float in the ocean. You start right where the waves meet the shore and the next thing you know you’ve drifted out to sea trying to figure out how you got there so quickly. I was in the middle of the ocean surrounded by all these fleeting feelings I invited to stay for way too long.

Taking inventory of our lives is necessary. Especially when it comes to our emotions.  We must continuously ensure that we are taking good care of our heart. It is the wellspring of life and yet it is still flesh operating from a fragile nature. Therefore, we must not neglect the mind. We know all too well that our mind and heart do not always operate on one accord. Nevertheless, the battle is always fought on the battlefield of the mind for the heart to be won!  I had to ask myself some where the rubber meets the road questions. Truthfully, there was a time in my life where unfortunately, I was absolutely miserable but failed to acknowledge it in order to overcome it timely. My life during that season looked very different. As I say often “it’s all perspective”! That is why I needed to ask myself those questions. For starters:

  1. What does misery look like?
  2. Does my current life look like that picture?
  3. Is anyone forcing me to do something I do not want to?
  4. Am I living out what I know I should be?

The words we choose to describe something are powerful and can either build or destroy. So often we use words without really taking into consideration if they’re the best choice to be applied at that time. Thoughts become words and words become actions. We must rein in those negative thoughts as soon as possible. The longer we entertain them the more comfortable we become with their presence. It becomes more difficult to think clearly if all we’re doing is being ruled by our emotions and no longer doing the ruling!

Had I not gotten myself back on track and continued to believe the lie that I was miserable, my life would’ve started to take on the shape of one that truly was. I would not have been able to enjoy my 34th birthday or any day while in that state of mind. There will be other times when I will have to fight for control. There will be times again when I will lose that battle because I chose to quit. We can always bounce back as long as we are intentional about doing so. As long as we pay attention to how far we’ve begun to drift away from the safety of the shore we will not find ourselves in danger of being lost.

The question we must ask ourselves daily is “To reign or not to rein?”A Queen mentality does not exempt us from frustrations, struggle or emotional warfare. When the crown gets set aside and we have given up control, the war is not lost. The battle however does indeed become longer and more difficult.

I look forward to another year of love, joy and peace within myself first and as a result the same to overflow into the lives of others.

Be Blessed

B

 

 

 

BTween Us | Love by the Rules

 

To be a woman in today’s society can be difficult especially for the single woman without children , who desires to be married and have a family.

When I refer to the single woman this does not omit those who are in a relationship. As far as I am concerned you are either: single, married or divorced. You’re still a “single” no matter how committed you may be or what your state considers common law. I sometimes get very frustrated with the way today’s woman is portrayed. She’s either too aggressive or overly passive. Social media, television and the movies  presents to us this over-achieving woman that doesn’t need a man. If she does have one she’s constantly reminding him and everyone else how she doesn’t need him to be complete, successful, happy etc. Well duh we’re in control of ALL that regardless of our relationship status. The other woman presented to us is weak and cannot live without a man. I rarely give relationship advice for two reasons: 1.) I’ve experienced too much and 2.)I’ve overcome too much! So while I may be able to relate and empathize it’s hard to sympathize. There’s a big difference between the two. Women do not want to take ownership of their own feelings and actions. We are the most intuitive of all God’s creation and yet we become almost oblivious to this when in love.

Time is of the essence indeed! It didn’t take me 3yrs to realize I wanted to share my life with my man, I in fact knew almost immediately. But what I didn’t know is how I wanted that to look. How I wanted myself to look in that equation or him. We both needed to grow up in various areas of our lives before we could think about taking that vow. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying stay around forever waiting on someone to give you your heart’s desire or in an unhealthy situation. Never do that. Your own convictions will tell you when it’s time to go. If I could only give one piece of advice it would be, do not be coerced into thinking that you are ready when you know you’re not! 

There was a season of about 2 years when I wanted to be married so bad because I was “getting old”. Majority of my friends were married, had children or both. Daily social media memes were telling me something was wrong with me, my man didn’t love me and I was stupid basically for being with someone longer than (insert expiration date). To make matters worse family & friends were asking the infamous “When y’all getting married, and/or when you going to have a baby?” questions. The biological clock was going off in every room! That spilled over into my relationship in the worst way. I acted out of frustration that I initially did not have even though I did want a family.

What I have come to realize and be grateful for is the fact that the single woman is in the best position, to serve others, to be a good friend and to identify where she needs to grow before she becomes committed to someone for life. It is during this season she must define who she is and what she values most. I know because I am her. This leads me to my affirmation for the week;

“I am not the exception. I am the rule”

I will not allow my past, present personal struggles with how long it’s taking me to start a family or the pressure of the society we live in to become this hard-hearted woman cause me to think otherwise. I am loyal to my relationship because I am a loyal person in general. I choose to encourage in my relationship instead of telling him how many mistakes he’s making or what a “man” is because I genuinely believe in him. I still support myself and if we need anything we’re there for each other by choice because we are committed. Yet, at the same time I realize we have no obligations to each other in this regard as long as I still have my Father’s last name. That’s too much counter-cultural thinking huh? According to this present-day he needs to be opening me up a business and giving me his whole check. SMH.

Don’t’ get me wrong, there are several boundaries that need to be set up which you must define for  yourself. I urge you to do not allow these “know it all, I finally got my man” women tell you how to move in your relationship with dogmatism. Seek good counsel but ultimately it’s your love therefore it’s your risk but it doesn’t have to be what makes you you being compromised. Relationships are already hard. Furthermore, don’t make them more difficult because you refuse to stand up for yourself. If you’re unhappy leave! If you constantly emasculate your man in the name of ‘feminism” or whatever don’t be surprised when he shuts down. Whatever the case may be you have to find a way to align your mind and your heart. This is more than difficult but very necessary. If you’re expecting the outside world to see your relationship as you do you’re sadly mistaken.  Our family and friends want the best for us, but they are not us. They do not have our hearts; they cannot love someone the same way we do. Learn who you are choosing to be with and in that learning accept them for who they are but still set the record straight on where you need them to grow. Likewise, do the same for yourself.

My greatest lesson in relationships has been to acknowledge what I have accepted. I cannot allow myself to constantly become frustrated with what I’ve already accepted.  If I do, that’s on me. Does that mean I have to continue accepting rule-breaking behavior whether it’s mine or my man’s? Absolutely NOT!  In every area of our lives we must ask ourselves the hard questions if we want to grow. These questions can only be answered by YOU! For starters:  Why are you with this person? Are you happy? Do you still believe in this relationship? Are you afraid of being alone?

Over the years my position as the “RULE” has been more than challenged. I’ve doubted it due to the way this journey has gone, what society says and my insecurities. In some instances my own behavior has caused me the most frustration.  At times the rule has been broken but instead of setting it aside I learned to REINFORCE it, starting with myself.

You are not the exception you are the rule

You are still what a woman should be

Head held high even with broken pieces of your heart on the ground

Despite your circumstances you continue on in what you know to be right

When you fall down or get discouraged

Remember your design is not in vain

The love in your heart does not go unnoticed

It remains unchanged

If anyone has not told you today

You are still worth it

Always was

Always will be

XOXO

BB