35th Birthday Edition: The Difference|Brokenness vs Bitterness

I always celebrate my birthday in one way or another but a whole birthday party is usually not the move.

The last birthday party I had was when I turned twenty-five. Can we say LIT!!!! So I guess it’s safe to say that every ten years I throw myself a real live party! Thirty-five has come and gone but let me say that my last minute party was right on time. True it was a distraction from life and its troubles but isn’t that what most celebrations are in some form or fashion. I welcomed the distraction. But now that the dust has settled and I am back to living my real life apart from the dancing for three hours straight in Giuseppe heels and fitted sequenced dress I have to deal with my emotions and what not. Story of my life, huh?! You will not master something by neglecting it though.

I am thirty five years old and every time I say it out loud it goes one or two ways; I rejoice in that I have made it this far (Lord knows I could’ve been somewhere altogether different) or I start focusing on my disappointments and pains, naturally so.

Most of the time my heart is on my sleeve either beating strong or bleeding but sometimes I put a little wall around it. Wall or no wall it still feels so deeply every single thing. Always have and I gather it always will. Since this is my state I’ve had to learn to be intentional about how I respond to certain situations. Physical muscles won’t form themselves and neither will spiritual and emotional muscles. As fragile as the heart is and mine especially, I still would rather have a broken heart over a bitter one any day. To most that doesn’t sound like much of a choice but trust me there is a difference. My initials may be BB but I don’t want them to stand for “Bitter Brooke”! Been there, not going back.

The heart that is broken has the promise of healing to see it through the process of each broken piece coming back together to form an even stronger heart than before. It will beat again.

The bitter heart has yet to realize its need to be broken and healed. It forsakes the power of rejuvenation and its own ability to overcome all that is trying to destroy it from within.

What separates the broken and the bitter heart from one another is forgiveness and forgiveness alone. Although the journey to get there is uncomfortable and must be taken again and again it’s necessary. At first glance the broken heart and bitter heart appear to be identical because the pain feels the same. Be that as it may, healing will only come after forgiveness and what is not broken has no realization of its true state of infirmity.

Love comes slowly, then we fall so hard and yet when tried it goes so fast. Why? Because we are not willing to allow our brokenness to show us ourselves. Yes, even when someone has hurt you, there is something to see in yourself if you are to grow from the situation. Mary J Blige said it best in one of her songs

“You gotta love like you’ve never been hurt to find the love that you deserve. Be indestructible”

Unfortunately, we’d rather hold onto the pain slowly suffocating the life out of us and then wonder how we’ve become so cold.

I refuse.

Instead I choose to prosper through my pain and live! That’s my gift to myself every year. A promise to continue to embrace my brokenness regardless how it came about. Whether it came as a result of my self-inflicted pain or someone else’s treatment of me. The power is still in my response. I cannot afford to relinquish it to circumstances. I like expensive things but not if it costs me my joy.

There is no merit for me in choosing this path for my life, I am not super woman, and I am not striving to be perfect. I do realize the mercies of God enables the steps I take over each stepping stone of insecurity, anger, disappointment, rejection and all other less attractive experiences I’ve had in these thirty-five years. I am fragile and after the celebratory highs fade and that old bitterness tries to take root in the foundation of my heart, I am getting better with recognizing it and taking action. Better with age or nah?!!

Let me be clear, I am not bitter heart proof, none of us are but what I know for sure at thirty-five that maybe I wasn’t totally convinced of at twenty-five, is that hope is a sure thing and as the broken heart relies on the promise of healing, it in return willingly forgives.

Be Blessed

B

BTween Us: Woman to Woman Conflict and Why We Need It

 

Yesterday in a text to one of my good friends I told her that the title for a blog post “Woman to Woman” kept popping up in my head. I followed that with “But I don’t want to write it.” What I have learned is that is usually the very thing I should write. I should be sharing what’s on my heart, in my head and what’s making me uneasy in my gut. So I will do my best at condensing what will be expounded on at a later date because I have many thoughts on this.

Honestly, the concept of writing an open letter to women in general has always been an idea that lead to  me starting this blog. I want to be the conversation starter. I am not driven by the “How to” aspect of blogging necessarily. I’m more geared toward now that you’ve read this, you tell me how you feel. Is your perspective clear? Did this make you ask yourself the hard questions AND drive you towards answering them with transparency no matter how uncomfortable it may be?

That’s my goal.

What woman to woman means to me is, I am going to speak to you from my point of view and I want you to speak to me from yours. The goal is to have this conversation that will enlighten and enable us to better understand and if we cannot understand the actions behind the other person’s why, the gem is still found in being willing to listen. I may not agree with another woman’s perspective but I realize her convictions, her confidence level, her vulnerabilities and her history have all shaped that for her. We have to stop placing our perspective onto others as though our paths have all been the same. And even if it were so, we have different hearts that produce different results.

I am not sure when I began to be intentional about taking this approach when faced with a conflict or misunderstanding between me and another woman regardless of the role she plays in my life. I am sure being raised in a female dominated family and household consisting of my mother and my two sisters had a lot to do with it. I was not always the most understanding. In fact I was not giving a damn about anyone else’s feelings other than my own for the majority of my life. I was an angry little woman. Deep down inside there was this force of compassion I was burying because I was hurt. I kept my guard up on the outside but would be torn up on the inside.  I am forever grateful for the seed having been watered by maybe my own tears of guilt, shame and regret . Nevertheless it has bloomed into something beautiful in my spirit. I do not take it for granted.

Most women are hurt.

That hurt will drive us to exercise compassion and understanding, not to be confused with passivity.  Or it will drive us to develop these attitudes of entitlement and bully tendencies. These are then directed towards not only other women but unfortunately, the men in our lives and in some very bad cases even our children. Hurt people hurt people and a woman scorned is a high hurdle to get over. Nothing is impossible but it doesn’t come without a cost. When we are hurt and refuse to see ourselves past that blurred vision of “woe is me” any and everyone can feel the wrath. Therefore, if you are going to overcome the obstacles you’ll have to set aside some pride.

There is this movement amongst women today that when genuine is really a sight to see. Women lifting each other up, supporting one another in business and all kinds of endeavors. A whole sister circle. However, like most things, this is most often when everyone is on the same accord. Not so much when the women do not look like you, or dress like you, or have the same goals as you. You definitely are not seeing it when another woman has hurt you and if you ask me this is when it  is to be exercised the most.

As lovely as the idea may be, I am not a fan of this utopia that is being portrayed because it is not realistic. We are not all going to get along. The better news is that, in order to prosper and function with good mental health we do not have to. There is no future in your fronting ok! We are going to be faced with situations that will try us in the worst way and that is when you get to see the kind of woman someone is. More importantly, you see the kind of woman you are. At the end of the day your feelings won’t always be taken into consideration but that does not mean you have to bury them.  How will you respond to that friend that betrayed you, that name calling, that petty woman in your world who is hell bent on making your life miserable?

I’m certain most of us have had an encounter that has brought out of us some ugliness and at the same time it may have been justifiable considering the circumstances. Fast forward to today we might handle it differently. Maybe. What I will say is that as you grow these are the scenarios that help you help someone else inadvertently. In my 20’s I responded totally different than I would now. Trust me I know. SMH! This came with me first and foremost realizing I have all the power to win! Not because I am in competition with someone else, or to say I got the last word with a good read but to win the battle of self-control.

Woman to woman is a two way street. Play your part. Being willing to listen to the other woman without being defensive will resolve a lot of conflict. It’s not easy to listen to that friend who started acting funny, or your co-worker who just doesn’t like you. It’s not easy to listen to a family member who only points out your faults and never acknowledges your accomplishments. Let us not forget that other woman who came to you as a woman. Chile, who wants to listen to her?? Whatever the case, whoever the woman is she needs you to listen. It may take a while. It may be that you actually never get to have that conversation. We can learn a lot about a person in more ways than just listening to the words spoken directly to us. Actions speak just as loud. Pay attention. We all in one way or another will expose our hurt to each other and if you stop and listen you’re going to realize that most of the time it really has nothing to do with you directly. You are not the root of the problem but there may very well be something in you that triggers this person. You can become the vessel to help another woman heal if you truly desire to and it starts with you.

At the end of the day the most important woman to woman you will have is with the one in the mirror.

I am who I am because I have a desire to be this way. As the saying goes “Cause no harm but take no sh!t”. I have cultivated this heart to be able to walk this earth as best I can and to not intentionally hurt another woman. I’ve done enough of that in my life time. Just as I’ve endured enough. It’s called balance I guess. When I do fall short I am quicker to recognize my wrong and decide how to move forward than I was in the past. Yes, I’ve given apologies that may have been too late. It gets easier once you realize you are not responsible for the acceptance of the apology. I’ve dealt with women who have tried to hurt me with their words and actions. I’ve had to exercise some extreme self-control when my marital status and motherhood status has been used as ammunition to cause me pain. Truth is it did just that. I never understood why any woman who has received these blessings would use it to hurt another woman who has not.  Am I striving to be friends with a women who attacks me below the belt or period.  Absolutely not!!  But what I have gotten much better at is going high. You have to get to the point to where you are too good for certain things.

Your possessions, your accolades, beauty and whatever else wood, stubble and hay you rely on that won’t stand the test of fire do not make you a good woman.  You need to go a little deeper than that.  Who is good anyways???  I just choose differently than some in this area but this doesn’t change the fact that I have many ways about me that I need to check daily.

Some simple but effective questions I ask myself when being tested are:

  1. Will you listen to this other woman who disagrees with your perspective?
  2. Will you help another woman become better by not engaging in the back and forth in order to prove a point?
  3. Are you willing to exercise compassion when the insecurities of another causes them to be nasty towards you?

It is not easy but if we are going to survive in this not so perfect world of women someone is going to have to go high without looking down on those who choose not to.  Someone is going to have to look past their own hurt and realize there is an opportunity to lead by example. Trust me there is nothing more frustrating to someone than when you do not take the hate bait.

Most women are hurt and choose to act out of that hurt; but life is just too precious, too fast and too uncertain to intentionally cause strife. The reality of there being conflict amongst women is not the problem. It is necessary for us to get to the bottom of some things. Embrace the opportunity with the right motive.

Is there a woman you need to listen to today? What is she telling you with her words or her actions? Is that woman you?

Be blessed.
B

Btween Us: When the Comforter Needs Comforting

I wanted my first blog post of 2018 to be about 2017 reflection and what I had lined up for this year. But life happens and as much as I’ve debated over this past week on actually sharing these thoughts, I’ve come to realize this platform was created for me to do just that. So here I am. January has been very difficult spiritually, emotionally, psychologically the whole entire family of ally’s ok!!! Full of fiery trials but in the midst of it all I’m reminded that I am gold….SOLID GOLD. My joy remains full! When we pray for joy and to be strong and ready we never know how that test will come about. Joy is not dependent upon circumstances and feelings in order to be claimed.  It is truth I must affirm in myself daily and sometimes it feels more like moment for moment. Trials are set before me just like everyone else. None of us are exempt. How you perceive the trials is totally up to you.

We set our minds to do so many things that we often forget they also need to be rested. The heart we depend on to enable us to give so much to others begins to run on empty and must be refilled. This is not something that just happens automatically. Doers don’t just do because it’s easy or natural they are intentional. Givers don’t give because there are not sacrifices involved. Lovers do not exhaust themselves of continually choosing to love because they have no other option. These are all conscious choices we make and when life comes at us out of the blue, it may require of us to fold and other times to fuel.

The individuals that choose to fold are not the weaker vessel compared to those that fuel. There are times when you will have to lay down some things in your life: a goal, a lover, a desire. The discernment to know when to fold and how to fuel through is what I’ve been intentional about cultivating a heart for most of my adult life. How do you know if you are truly fearless if you are never faced with the option of being fearful? One of my 2018 Life Words is “Become”.  All that I’ve endured throughout life has been about me becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be. This current test is no different.  We have been deceived into thinking that those who seem to have everything they’ve always wanted are God’s chosen. That they must be doing everything right and those of us who are still waiting on our “blessing” have done something wrong and as a consequence we’re being punished or just forgotten about altogether. I hope anyone who may be in this season along with me will never ever adopt that mentality because it is a lie.  You are not forgotten but you may very well be in a season of discipline and if you love God that is rule # 1 that we must understand. God disciplines and prunes the lives of his children like any good father would! God is sovereign! No matter what the common cliché of today says “Just Speak things into existence.” We must remember that if that thing does not come to fruition he is still good. I am not here to preach or maybe I am…..who knows LOL?!! I’m not certain on a lot of things these days and good thing I don’t need to be.

I get a little weary when people say to me “you’re so strong” or “if anyone can handle this you can.” I should find comfort in that they see me this light but instead it leaves me with a vulnerable mindset. On one hand I’m prone to adopt a self-inflicted expectation to make the right decision which is the decision a “strong” person would make.  Who determines that exactly?? On the other hand I am motivated to make the right decision for me. That alone adds to the pressure of really working through the emotions I am dealing with. So that I am fully confident in my decision regardless of what others may think or how difficult it may be.

“Breathe” is another 2018 Life Word. Personal trials reveal just how much we take for granted unknowingly. This past month my breathing pattern has become something that once was an after thought but there have been days when it too required my attention and intention at times. There were moments that I was so overwhelmed and captivated by my own thoughts it was almost as if I had just stopped altogether. I didn’t but somebody feels me. Pain will do that to you. Make you realize your heart is actually beating and air is flowing through your lungs. You’re not just here but you are living. I was reminded that I am capable of feeling something that impactful and somehow still able to find joy in life. Tears and all.

In my own little world I am most often the comforter. Let me be clear, it is not because I never need comforting. I realized I was a comforter as a young girl in my friendships and as I got older how I began to feel the pain I inflicted on others. I’ve been tender and strong. It’s a balance but it does not come without cost. I have an amazing tribe of comforters.  But with being a comforter it is almost unnatural to seek comfort initially when things get rough. I have to work through so much internally and process my feelings before I can even begin to share what I may be going through. A lot of this has to do with my perspective on life and its troubles.

Some pain is guaranteed

It’s a simple complex in that the “pain” can be perceived in general or specifically.

Some pain: there is a certain amount of pain we will experience in life

Some pain: a specific pain such as loss of a family member, heart break over a relationship or friendship that ended badly.

This is not me having a super pious attitude towards life that never leaves me wanting to question God about why certain things happen in the world and in my own personal life. The reality is that we just have to endure as best we can and trust that what is on the other side of what we’re feeling at the moment is our true destination. We do not have to stay in a place of uncertainty and fear of not knowing if whether or not the pain we are currently experiencing will subside. It will, if we allow it to. There are some things people have had to endure that I am not sure I could survive. Then there are circumstances in my life I have overcome that have turned people cold as ice. Everyone is different.

How do I comfort myself in times like these when life comes out of the blue you might ask? I don’t, I cannot. At best I just feel and I pray. Not only for it to just pass quickly but for me to realize I need the same mercy and grace my situation may be requiring me to extend to someone else or to myself for that matter. It may be to get through the anger, sadness, guilt, shame or maybe even humiliation and not wanting to be pitied by anyone. Whatever it may be I allow myself to feel everything and deeply, especially when I thought I knew how I’d respond if ever faced with a particular situation. If I can be honest I’ve felt disappointed in myself for not doing so. I’ve matured enough to know, that my friend is nothing but ugly old pride flaring up!  Spirit and flesh wrestle all day every day. Ultimately it is up to us to determine who we’re going to serve at any given moment. I have a choice to make. I can fight it and force the anger into a position of power or I can allow the less appealing emotions of empathy and compassion that may almost seem unfair to me to reign. This is truly the only way I know how to determine if it’s time to fold and lay something down or fuel my way through. I cannot do that outside of myself; outside of counseling my own heart with truth first.

I realize in today’s blogger arena it’s almost a requirement to share your experiences in detail in order to be relatable and gain likes or whatever. I disagree and hold the position firmly that some experiences must be felt privately for a while. For now it’s just me and God working through some things. It’s him dealing with me and me still fueling to say “yes Lord” no matter how much I do not understand about this test or wish I was exempt from it. Without the fire there is no gold.

Today it may be empathy and sadness, possibly even some peace that I am feeling the most; tomorrow it may be something altogether different. No matter what my current feelings are I do find comfort in that my heart and mind can rest knowing I have the choice to choose joy. Because one thing is certain, some pain is guaranteed.

B

Btween Us| Lessons in Self-Love

When it comes to love we all have our definitions. It is perceived differently from person to person. That makes it very difficult to speak on it without inserting your own experiences. Yet, what other place can someone speak to a situation from??  Experience drives perception. And if you’ve read any of my posts you know what I’m going to say next. It’s all perspective.

Relationships are hard off top. You have two imperfect people who come together at different times in their lives from different backgrounds with different experiences and expectations. All these differences are communicated and interpreted throughout the life of that relationship and so much can happen as feelings develop. From first dates to talks of marriage and in between is when boundaries are established and crossed, expectations are set and left unmet. It is during these times love is tested, strengthened and sometimes abandoned. Yet, an abandoned love does not equate to failure. It may be the absolute strongest test of faith to walk away from something and someone you once believed in. To surrender the life you envisioned with someone for one that no longer involves them.

As I write this I find myself reflecting on a time as a young twenty-something fighting for a love that was anything but and at the same time today a thirty-something woman fighting with someone for a love we won’t let die. Let’s be clear it is not because there hasn’t been sufficient enough reason for both of us to walk away. In both instances my feelings were real no matter how unrealistic my expectations were in my 20’s or how uncompromising they are today. The difference is growth and intentions.

Growth– Over time I began to understand how imperfect I am regardless of how good of a woman I consider myself to be. I also realize that I am always in control of what I choose to accept and choose not to accept.

Intentions– I chose to enter every relationship after that twenty-something heartbreak with the intentions that I will be who I am because it is simply who I am and not because I want it to persuade a man to treat me a certain way.

I can say without a doubt I have no regrets in how my past relationships have ended and do not feel like I’ve given something to someone that wasn’t deserved. That is a mindset that leaves so many women bitter whether they realize it or not. Of course it wasn’t deserved. However, it was not because they were unworthy necessarily but because I was giving more than I should have to that person to begin with. It is so easy to pour into a relationship prematurely because we do not want to be alone, or we have this idea of what our lives should look like or we’re just soul-tied to another person we have no business being with. It isn’t only about that person not deserving us, it is far more complex than that. This is a hard truth but one I always return to.

I prefer to look at my relationship now not so much in a measurement of worthiness rather in a realistic approach and sound decision making of whether or not it is worth it?? Is he worth it? Am I worth it? Are we worth the fight, patience, forgiveness, and most of all the restoration when we reach a breaking point?  There is a difference between someone being worthy and someone being worth it. In many ways I may not be worthy at times because I fall short of even of my own expectations. I’ve done some crazy things I’m not afraid to admit that. Still I’ll always be worth it and maybe that alone makes me worthy. This is how I approach love. Until it is no longer worth it I’ll fight. When it no longer makes sense I’ll let it go. I’ve grown in so many ways from heartbreak and failed relationships that had I not experienced those times, my life could look very different in the worst way. How do I know? Well, there have been plenty of times when I could’ve played the victim and allowed that to weaken me or I could choose to grow up. That meant  acknowledging the part I played and also accepting my responsibility to forgive and move on. In doing so I chose to retain my power for future relationships.

Women have so much power in a relationship. It will go how you set the tone for it to go. This isn’t saying they’ll be pain free but however much you want to invest and endure is up to you. Not anyone else. You cannot be ashamed of what may transpire even if it causes you shame. It’s a journey and love is a journey meant to build. So many women find themselves in a battle between maintaining self – love and loving a man. As if one has to compromise the other. Self-love is not how much you choose not to endure primarily. In fact self-love today is not what women need to be taught. Self-love is what the human race does the best. Whatever self we are at any given season of life is the self we’re going to love and choose every single time. No matter how ugly, or beautiful, broken or put together it may be inside and out. We love ourselves we just need to be better lovers.

Self-love also is not determined based on allowing others to dictate whether or not you’ve forgiven your ex enough times or what a date should consist of. Self-love is more than stating what you’re worth it is also being able to provide that same level of passion, support and whatever else you require for yourself to your significant other. Self-love will require you to be vulnerable but that doesn’t mean you’re naive. It will require of you to keep to yourself the struggles you’ve experienced in your relationship because you are sacrificing and enduring. Those two concepts do not go over well in today’s culture. People’s “fallback” games are too strong. Self-love always chooses to love. But love is not always who you want it to be yet it is indeed always who you need if you’ll be open to the lesson.

When it comes to love you set the boundary. You push the line back or erase it. That is done on your own terms. Each relationship has to be nurtured from where it is at that time in order to get to the next level of difficulty because they only get harder. Love is realizing it isn’t something to run from or to ever feel as if it is not worth another try. My twenty-something relationship was the hardest one ever not because that person was “the one” and it failed but because I had to learn by continual testing that I was in complete control yet I relinquished it over and over.  I was not blinded by love. I was foolish. Instead of accepting that person for who he was I thought I could do something to make him better. I thought like most women do, that I could love him enough to make him be better towards me and himself for that matter in order to save our relationship. I could not.

Whatever growth he experienced during our relationship was still his decision. My influence was just that. Influence! He owes me nothing. Too many women look to take credit for the maturity of a man. I am glad that my suffering emotionally and growing pains helped another soul mature in any way. Fast forward to the time when this person matured to the point he was ready to give me an apology, I had already accepted my own contribution to my unhappiness during that season. I had already forgiven him and moved on because I realized he wasn’t my forever. As soon as I did that as a result I was choosing a love that at the time I hadn’t even experienced yet and maybe still haven’t. Who knows? But what I do know is that it was a lesson not a loss. I can’t lose who was never meant to be mine. I restored my faith in love and got through the heartbreak becoming a better self.

I cheered at the thought that one day this person may be able to find his forever. Thirty-something Brooke’s definition of love was defined by twenty-something Brooke’s refusal to accept that just because I was a good woman to the wrong man that I was no longer worth the fight. Like most women I’ve been through it behind a man more times than I’d like to admit. So I can relate! TRUST ME!! I’ve felt taken for granted and unappreciated. I’ve had to deal with other women and I battled insecurities. There is this stigma against women who are pouring into someone all that they have and it appears that it may be all for nothing. I do not have the answer to that. What I am willing to do is speak back into you the courage required to love again after heartbreak steals it from you.  It may be courage to reconcile with an ex or start a brand new journey with someone else or even to be single for a while.

Whatever your situation I hope you all will never stop fighting for love after loss! Restoration is just a new birth towards forever so allow the past to prepare you for the future. Your better self-love waits…..

B

BTween Us | Love by the Rules

 

To be a woman in today’s society can be difficult especially for the single woman without children , who desires to be married and have a family.

When I refer to the single woman this does not omit those who are in a relationship. As far as I am concerned you are either: single, married or divorced. You’re still a “single” no matter how committed you may be or what your state considers common law. I sometimes get very frustrated with the way today’s woman is portrayed. She’s either too aggressive or overly passive. Social media, television and the movies  presents to us this over-achieving woman that doesn’t need a man. If she does have one she’s constantly reminding him and everyone else how she doesn’t need him to be complete, successful, happy etc. Well duh we’re in control of ALL that regardless of our relationship status. The other woman presented to us is weak and cannot live without a man. I rarely give relationship advice for two reasons: 1.) I’ve experienced too much and 2.)I’ve overcome too much! So while I may be able to relate and empathize it’s hard to sympathize. There’s a big difference between the two. Women do not want to take ownership of their own feelings and actions. We are the most intuitive of all God’s creation and yet we become almost oblivious to this when in love.

Time is of the essence indeed! It didn’t take me 3yrs to realize I wanted to share my life with my man, I in fact knew almost immediately. But what I didn’t know is how I wanted that to look. How I wanted myself to look in that equation or him. We both needed to grow up in various areas of our lives before we could think about taking that vow. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying stay around forever waiting on someone to give you your heart’s desire or in an unhealthy situation. Never do that. Your own convictions will tell you when it’s time to go. If I could only give one piece of advice it would be, do not be coerced into thinking that you are ready when you know you’re not! 

There was a season of about 2 years when I wanted to be married so bad because I was “getting old”. Majority of my friends were married, had children or both. Daily social media memes were telling me something was wrong with me, my man didn’t love me and I was stupid basically for being with someone longer than (insert expiration date). To make matters worse family & friends were asking the infamous “When y’all getting married, and/or when you going to have a baby?” questions. The biological clock was going off in every room! That spilled over into my relationship in the worst way. I acted out of frustration that I initially did not have even though I did want a family.

What I have come to realize and be grateful for is the fact that the single woman is in the best position, to serve others, to be a good friend and to identify where she needs to grow before she becomes committed to someone for life. It is during this season she must define who she is and what she values most. I know because I am her. This leads me to my affirmation for the week;

“I am not the exception. I am the rule”

I will not allow my past, present personal struggles with how long it’s taking me to start a family or the pressure of the society we live in to become this hard-hearted woman cause me to think otherwise. I am loyal to my relationship because I am a loyal person in general. I choose to encourage in my relationship instead of telling him how many mistakes he’s making or what a “man” is because I genuinely believe in him. I still support myself and if we need anything we’re there for each other by choice because we are committed. Yet, at the same time I realize we have no obligations to each other in this regard as long as I still have my Father’s last name. That’s too much counter-cultural thinking huh? According to this present-day he needs to be opening me up a business and giving me his whole check. SMH.

Don’t’ get me wrong, there are several boundaries that need to be set up which you must define for  yourself. I urge you to do not allow these “know it all, I finally got my man” women tell you how to move in your relationship with dogmatism. Seek good counsel but ultimately it’s your love therefore it’s your risk but it doesn’t have to be what makes you you being compromised. Relationships are already hard. Furthermore, don’t make them more difficult because you refuse to stand up for yourself. If you’re unhappy leave! If you constantly emasculate your man in the name of ‘feminism” or whatever don’t be surprised when he shuts down. Whatever the case may be you have to find a way to align your mind and your heart. This is more than difficult but very necessary. If you’re expecting the outside world to see your relationship as you do you’re sadly mistaken.  Our family and friends want the best for us, but they are not us. They do not have our hearts; they cannot love someone the same way we do. Learn who you are choosing to be with and in that learning accept them for who they are but still set the record straight on where you need them to grow. Likewise, do the same for yourself.

My greatest lesson in relationships has been to acknowledge what I have accepted. I cannot allow myself to constantly become frustrated with what I’ve already accepted.  If I do, that’s on me. Does that mean I have to continue accepting rule-breaking behavior whether it’s mine or my man’s? Absolutely NOT!  In every area of our lives we must ask ourselves the hard questions if we want to grow. These questions can only be answered by YOU! For starters:  Why are you with this person? Are you happy? Do you still believe in this relationship? Are you afraid of being alone?

Over the years my position as the “RULE” has been more than challenged. I’ve doubted it due to the way this journey has gone, what society says and my insecurities. In some instances my own behavior has caused me the most frustration.  At times the rule has been broken but instead of setting it aside I learned to REINFORCE it, starting with myself.

You are not the exception you are the rule

You are still what a woman should be

Head held high even with broken pieces of your heart on the ground

Despite your circumstances you continue on in what you know to be right

When you fall down or get discouraged

Remember your design is not in vain

The love in your heart does not go unnoticed

It remains unchanged

If anyone has not told you today

You are still worth it

Always was

Always will be

XOXO

BB