How I Came Out of My Valley

Some experiences, moments and seasons of life aren’t meant to be shared with others in depth. There are those that are simply necessary to be felt, to be endured, and to be overcome by you. Not everything can be explained.

I wanted to adequately describe my latest “Valley Experience”. I wanted to provide the next woman who finds herself in the valley with ways to help deal with how she felt. I wanted to be able to equip her with instructions on how to come out better than when she went in. I wanted to provide ways to help her pass the time. But what I realize is that the feelings must be addressed per personal experience and cannot be ignored and time cannot just be passed. She must endure for however long just as I did. That is not something you can teach. That is something we have to choose.

In the valley is where you grow but that growth isn’t always apparent immediately. I’m still not sure I fully understand how I’ve grown from my experience yet. What I am able to share is that I felt three very real emotions during these past few months in ways I hadn’t in quite some time, if ever.

First I felt low.

As a woman I’ve felt low before so it’s not a new feeling. Only this time it wasn’t due to heartbreak or some disrespectful comment made about my appearance or a condescending remark regarding my capabilities and achievements or lack thereof. I felt low as in helpless. I was far away from any hope of overcoming my insecurities. Weak in spirit is what I was. That pretty much sums it up.  I was trying to rely on my insufficient ability to lift myself up by means of coercion and tension.  There was no progress being made. If anything I felt lower and lower until I realized that I had to embrace those insecure moments if I were to ever rise above them. This is no quick fix. It calls for intentional efforts continuously.

What I felt the more frequently was lost.

Constantly, asking myself, how did I get here? There wasn’t any one incident in particular I could recall that brought me to this place. But I was there and I had no clear direction on how to get out. So I stopped trying. It’s as if I set up tent and accepted that this was my home for a while. Though not a physical place literally, mentally I was in the valley and my mind needed resting. My heart needed settling. I didn’t panic no matter how hard it got and there were times when I thought I wouldn’t make it. I was able to find comfort in knowing that this experience was a part of my journey. I was reminded that what the Lord commands he enables. This may have single handily kept me in an operable mental space. Sounds dramatic huh? Well valley experiences can be just that surreal. Your mental health requires examinations just as much as your physical health does. As women of color I hope we begin to realize the importance of this.

Lastly, I felt unloved.

This was hard to realize. Once I did what I had to accept was that this feeling of being unloved was a lie that I told myself way too often. If we tell ourselves anything long enough we’ll believe it without a doubt soon enough. But who didn’t love me, and why not? Jesus loves me. My family loves me. I have dear friends that love me. The truth was I just didn’t like me. Like and love are not the same but because I was unaware of how much I didn’t like who I was, it felt as if I was not loved at all. I didn’t like how I was allowing myself to be taken advantage of and almost bullied in some situations, simply because I didn’t want to be misunderstood. I didn’t like how I was shrinking when I should’ve stood tall. I didn’t like how those who so called knew me best were treating me as if they didn’t and I said nothing. The truth is that people prefer to use your less than appealing moments to infer that they know you so well.  I didn’t like how I was just being a wimp in life because that I am not. I resented myself for all those reasons.

I came out of this experience what seems like suddenly but it was anything but. I cried every single day for a few months. I do cry easily but these were tears of desperation. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted the pressure to be lifted and the anxiety to go away! Instead I remained  present. There were days when nothing made sense. Those around me were being used in ways they clearly were unaware of but nevertheless they triggered things in me I still cannot explain. God knows.

What I often see is so many women looking for guidance on how to live their individual lives. As if a generic step-by-step guide is enough. No one wants to feel, endure and overcome these uncomfortable, inexplicable experiences regardless of how unavoidable they are.

But I’m here to reassure you that the time you spend present in the valley will reveal to you things about yourself that no mountaintop can.

B

 

 

Btween Us| Lessons in Self-Love

When it comes to love we all have our definitions. It is perceived differently from person to person. That makes it very difficult to speak on it without inserting your own experiences. Yet, what other place can someone speak to a situation from??  Experience drives perception. And if you’ve read any of my posts you know what I’m going to say next. It’s all perspective.

Relationships are hard off top. You have two imperfect people who come together at different times in their lives from different backgrounds with different experiences and expectations. All these differences are communicated and interpreted throughout the life of that relationship and so much can happen as feelings develop. From first dates to talks of marriage and in between is when boundaries are established and crossed, expectations are set and left unmet. It is during these times love is tested, strengthened and sometimes abandoned. Yet, an abandoned love does not equate to failure. It may be the absolute strongest test of faith to walk away from something and someone you once believed in. To surrender the life you envisioned with someone for one that no longer involves them.

As I write this I find myself reflecting on a time as a young twenty-something fighting for a love that was anything but and at the same time today a thirty-something woman fighting with someone for a love we won’t let die. Let’s be clear it is not because there hasn’t been sufficient enough reason for both of us to walk away. In both instances my feelings were real no matter how unrealistic my expectations were in my 20’s or how uncompromising they are today. The difference is growth and intentions.

Growth– Over time I began to understand how imperfect I am regardless of how good of a woman I consider myself to be. I also realize that I am always in control of what I choose to accept and choose not to accept.

Intentions– I chose to enter every relationship after that twenty-something heartbreak with the intentions that I will be who I am because it is simply who I am and not because I want it to persuade a man to treat me a certain way.

I can say without a doubt I have no regrets in how my past relationships have ended and do not feel like I’ve given something to someone that wasn’t deserved. That is a mindset that leaves so many women bitter whether they realize it or not. Of course it wasn’t deserved. However, it was not because they were unworthy necessarily but because I was giving more than I should have to that person to begin with. It is so easy to pour into a relationship prematurely because we do not want to be alone, or we have this idea of what our lives should look like or we’re just soul-tied to another person we have no business being with. It isn’t only about that person not deserving us, it is far more complex than that. This is a hard truth but one I always return to.

I prefer to look at my relationship now not so much in a measurement of worthiness rather in a realistic approach and sound decision making of whether or not it is worth it?? Is he worth it? Am I worth it? Are we worth the fight, patience, forgiveness, and most of all the restoration when we reach a breaking point?  There is a difference between someone being worthy and someone being worth it. In many ways I may not be worthy at times because I fall short of even of my own expectations. I’ve done some crazy things I’m not afraid to admit that. Still I’ll always be worth it and maybe that alone makes me worthy. This is how I approach love. Until it is no longer worth it I’ll fight. When it no longer makes sense I’ll let it go. I’ve grown in so many ways from heartbreak and failed relationships that had I not experienced those times, my life could look very different in the worst way. How do I know? Well, there have been plenty of times when I could’ve played the victim and allowed that to weaken me or I could choose to grow up. That meant  acknowledging the part I played and also accepting my responsibility to forgive and move on. In doing so I chose to retain my power for future relationships.

Women have so much power in a relationship. It will go how you set the tone for it to go. This isn’t saying they’ll be pain free but however much you want to invest and endure is up to you. Not anyone else. You cannot be ashamed of what may transpire even if it causes you shame. It’s a journey and love is a journey meant to build. So many women find themselves in a battle between maintaining self – love and loving a man. As if one has to compromise the other. Self-love is not how much you choose not to endure primarily. In fact self-love today is not what women need to be taught. Self-love is what the human race does the best. Whatever self we are at any given season of life is the self we’re going to love and choose every single time. No matter how ugly, or beautiful, broken or put together it may be inside and out. We love ourselves we just need to be better lovers.

Self-love also is not determined based on allowing others to dictate whether or not you’ve forgiven your ex enough times or what a date should consist of. Self-love is more than stating what you’re worth it is also being able to provide that same level of passion, support and whatever else you require for yourself to your significant other. Self-love will require you to be vulnerable but that doesn’t mean you’re naive. It will require of you to keep to yourself the struggles you’ve experienced in your relationship because you are sacrificing and enduring. Those two concepts do not go over well in today’s culture. People’s “fallback” games are too strong. Self-love always chooses to love. But love is not always who you want it to be yet it is indeed always who you need if you’ll be open to the lesson.

When it comes to love you set the boundary. You push the line back or erase it. That is done on your own terms. Each relationship has to be nurtured from where it is at that time in order to get to the next level of difficulty because they only get harder. Love is realizing it isn’t something to run from or to ever feel as if it is not worth another try. My twenty-something relationship was the hardest one ever not because that person was “the one” and it failed but because I had to learn by continual testing that I was in complete control yet I relinquished it over and over.  I was not blinded by love. I was foolish. Instead of accepting that person for who he was I thought I could do something to make him better. I thought like most women do, that I could love him enough to make him be better towards me and himself for that matter in order to save our relationship. I could not.

Whatever growth he experienced during our relationship was still his decision. My influence was just that. Influence! He owes me nothing. Too many women look to take credit for the maturity of a man. I am glad that my suffering emotionally and growing pains helped another soul mature in any way. Fast forward to the time when this person matured to the point he was ready to give me an apology, I had already accepted my own contribution to my unhappiness during that season. I had already forgiven him and moved on because I realized he wasn’t my forever. As soon as I did that as a result I was choosing a love that at the time I hadn’t even experienced yet and maybe still haven’t. Who knows? But what I do know is that it was a lesson not a loss. I can’t lose who was never meant to be mine. I restored my faith in love and got through the heartbreak becoming a better self.

I cheered at the thought that one day this person may be able to find his forever. Thirty-something Brooke’s definition of love was defined by twenty-something Brooke’s refusal to accept that just because I was a good woman to the wrong man that I was no longer worth the fight. Like most women I’ve been through it behind a man more times than I’d like to admit. So I can relate! TRUST ME!! I’ve felt taken for granted and unappreciated. I’ve had to deal with other women and I battled insecurities. There is this stigma against women who are pouring into someone all that they have and it appears that it may be all for nothing. I do not have the answer to that. What I am willing to do is speak back into you the courage required to love again after heartbreak steals it from you.  It may be courage to reconcile with an ex or start a brand new journey with someone else or even to be single for a while.

Whatever your situation I hope you all will never stop fighting for love after loss! Restoration is just a new birth towards forever so allow the past to prepare you for the future. Your better self-love waits…..

B

An Audience of One

About a week ago I was on Snap Chat after my workout per usual low-key venting. I felt I had been a bit mild in my posts not really wanting to offend anyone because my views on certain subjects can be counter cultural. For those who follow me on snap, y’all know I can go off about certain topics LOL! It is what happened mid vent session that once again put things into perspective for me as it relates to my “target audience”.  A friend of mine had been off social media and hadn’t gotten around to visiting Bubbling Brooke.  She binge read all of my posts and texted me her thoughts on each one. Can we say “on time”!!! I love confirmation!  God always sends confirmation and conviction when we need it most. It is up to us to take heed to it or not but that’s another post for another day.

The significance of her texts was not that others hadn’t commented on posts or texted me their feedback or that her opinion weighed so much more. It was that where I was at that very moment was a place of second guessing my abilities and my mission. I was wondering if the audience I was attempting to reach maybe was not the right audience, that maybe I needed rethink who I was talking to. Maybe I needed to conform to the more popular methods of blogging. Focusing on my wardrobe, hair, travel, politics etc. Afterall, those are things that I am interested in and eventually want to add to the layers of this platform. However, doing so would not help me determine who I was talking to. I’d still need to speak with an authentic transparency .

There is no glamour to my lifestyle. No matter how far I’ve traveled around the world or the restaurants I’ve dined at, or the designer clothes I wear. I’m a simple Houston woman who really just prefers to be off the scene. I’m not interested in contouring and highlights, my style of dress is more modest than it is trendy and sexy.  I don’t find myself to be very photogenic. I’m real awkward to be honest when it comes to picture taking. That in itself is a whole art! I don’t care what anyone says. Angles matter man!!  This does not make me opposed to anyone who may express opposite interests levels. In fact some of my favorite bloggers use their platform to speak on these topics providing details on outfits, hair and makeup, travel and still do so in an in-depth way that speaks to women by encouraging them to realize they’re popping! I benefit from them so much!  At the same time I’m often like “but what about this perspective?” Then I’m left searching.

That is when I realized I am my audience of one first and foremost.

I am talking to women who are like me in the sense that they’re not easily impressed with the lights and cameras of this world. We work hard, love hard, stay true to ourselves and to others despite how much we may battle feelings of insecurity, heartbreak or just being down right tired of the day to day feelings of defeat.  We may be different in our professions and marital status but keeping it real with ourselves is always first. We’ve fought for this level of comfort and it will literally cost us more than we can afford to compromise it in order to appeal to the likes of others. This means owning our feelings and continuously asking ourselves the “why” questions. Even about the seemingly easy decisions we make as far as our appearance and mannerisms go.

There is a reason I’m adamant about maintaining my self-confidence the way I do.

It was once non-existent.

So yes, when I decide to talk about what I choose not to put on my face daily it will always go deeper than the surface. When I talk about why I’m intentional about certain things I choose to wear or not to wear this isn’t to bash women who do not make the same decisions. It is because I learned and accept that I do have a responsibility to the men around me, although I am not responsible for how certain men will perceive or attempt to approach me.  What I can be sure is that I am not dressing in a way that convicts ME. I do not care to talk about my shoe closet regardless if I paid $50 or $500 for a pair. Not even about how much I do love them ALL. Because anyone who knows me knows that the shoe always comes first! When I talk about travels I want to share how I met a family in Belize with the sweetest little children who opened their space and offered their time to my best friend and I just because. I don’t always want to experience the five star hotel luxuries. That’s not living to me!

I have to go below the surface. It’s the only way I know how to be. Especially here.

These are positions I cannot be afraid to reveal because they may not be the most popular and there may be backlash from those who disagree or people may not want to read my blog because of it.  I’ve never been afraid to speak my mind or quickly let someone know they have me all the way messed up if they get out of line. At the same time I’ve also matured enough to not want to offend anyone. Bottom line is that my preference should not have anyone else pressed and if they do so be it. I want to be able to express my point of view and reasons behind the decisions I make in hopes that I will encourage other women to do the same on their own terms. Not by being persuasive, offensive or dogmatic in my approach. That’s the “influence” I desire.

What I am saying is that I am a woman, and yes I love to look my best but according to my preferences. I enjoy eating out and traveling like most of us. I shop too much and love a good ole party but Bubbling Brooke for me has to go deeper than that. I have to always keep in the forefront my reason for starting this blog. Who needed this the most? I did. And other women like me who find it almost impossible to not feel inadequate at times because we’re not dolled up daily and may not be the most beautiful in the eyes of the world. We may feel unaccomplished, or like we’re not doing our best. Our blogs, brands and businesses may not have this massive social media following. And the beauty of it all is that we’re more than ok with it because ultimately, even if there is only one person in the audience  that’s more than enough!

Thank you all for taking the time to read and  for all your comments. I appreciate you!

B

PSA: Just WIN!!

 

By now the world knows that once again the New England Patriots are Super bowl champions. Football isn’t my favorite sport but I am a sports fan. So, while I do not have any personal investment in the Atlanta Falcons or New England Patriots, I respect winners. Tom Brady’s name is synonymous with winning period.

Like most, you either love him or hate him. Isn’t that how it goes? No matter how successful he has been there’s someone who will try to discredit his achievements. I woke up with this on my mind as we start a new week. If we are going to go through life and set any type of goal for ourselves with the end result being success, we are going to have naysayers. There will be those people who no matter what you do, or how you do it will find fault in what you’ve worked your butt off to accomplish. And you know what, that’s probably the best way to know you’re doing something right. At the end of the day, all you got to do is win! Just win! Whatever that looks like for you…

We can learn a lot from Tom Brady’s road to success. He wasn’t a top pick in the draft. As a matter of fact the man was picked 199th in the sixth round! Now you do not have to know a lot about football to know that being picked 199th in anything is not something to be desired. Can you imagine the doubt that was settling in his mind at the time? Even if it was only for one second that one little seed of doubt could’ve changed his entire path had he chosen to believe it

Fast forward 16 years later, he’s a five time Super bowl champion and once again the MVP (Most Valuable Player) of the game. Some might argue he’s the greatest football player of all time not just the greatest QB to ever play the game. It’s a valid argument, not one I am prepared to debate.

What I am prepared to say this morning is that despite how much success he’s had in his career. It still will not be enough to silence those who refuse to acknowledge it or accept that he’s earned it. It never will be.

The same goes for us. We will never be able to please everyone, or prove to everyone that we deserve our success because we put in the work. Nah, someone gave it to us, or we cheated, or we must have thrown someone in the office under the bus to get the promotion. Even before the success comes to fruition there will be those who will only see us as that 199th pick and will feed the same doubt that we’re working so hard to overcome in our own minds.

I’ve come to a place where I realize that no matter the journey, no matter the obstacles and naysayers along the road to success that we will endure, there’s something impossible to deny, and that is winning! I hope this week each of you will make it a point to continue perfecting your craft and prove them wrong.

My affirmation this week is

“I believe in myself more than anyone else”

Take a page from Tom Brady’s book and win! Again and again and again and again…..

BB

 

 

BtweenUs| Me & Feminism; Owning My Position

 

One of the hardest obstacles to overcome for me at times has been accepting and owning the feeling of indifference towards certain culture initiatives. Especially, when it feels as if the entire world has formed a coalition that makes you feel as if you’re seemingly in complete contrast to their cause. You become the enemy.

I grew up in a predominately female family. My grandmother is 90 years old looking 70 still rocking her painted nails, gemstone jewelry and all while owning her” it’s all about me” attitude. Let me see 90 you can bet I’ll be a problem. The traditional family is not what I saw growing up. Although my father and mother were married majority of my child hood my mother was a single parent. My Aunties were single mothers as well except for one. Most of my cousins are women, and I have two sisters. So “Girl Power” is a way of life for me and always has been. I remember vividly, my mother getting dressed for work. She had this dark wooded vanity mirror. She’d drink a coke and listen to Anita Baker. My favorite memory was her putting on her  red lipstick and stockings. All I could think of was “that’s what I want to do …be a grown woman, drink coke, wear red lipstick, listen to Anita baker and most of all wear stockings.” No lie. She was super woman to me. She still is! But my viewing her as super woman was never a result of feeling like she was oppressed because of her singleness and her having to raise three girls with heads full of hair, with three different personalities.  Not because of her having to work the 3 to 11 shift which caused her to not be able to pick us up from school or even be home when it was time for bed. Sometimes we’d go to go to work with her though!  I never saw that as her being given the short end of the stick. None of our struggles made me feel like my mama was living in an unjust world towards women. Although that may have been true. I know it was hard, and she sacrificed so much for my sisters and me. I just saw her doing what she does; Conquer the world!

Part of that meant she never missed a basketball game, or a track meet, or an awards show, school program or a teacher conference or anything else that involved her children. There was absolutely nothing more important to her than us, not even her job! Today career is everything to women and I understand the drive for success, the inequality that we deal with and overall the way women in general are viewed. I’ve experienced it first-hand but at the same time I had an example of resilience and strength and sacrifice that has shaped my view of what a woman is! Nothing can destroy that. I didn’t agree with every choice she made as I got older, and I gave her all the hell I could unfortunately. My mama never bad mouthed my father to me or uttered the words “I don’t need a man” which would’ve planted a totally different seed of perception in me. She may have expressed her frustrations but she did not plant that seed of resentment. Her encouragement towards me and my sisters was always in direct response to what we wanted to do. She did not focus on who was going tell me I couldn’t. There was no need to tell me I needed to be a “feminist” or down talk men (not all do) for not handling their business. She was silent in ways that allowed me to form my own perception and take my position.  I still don’t know what a feminist is and I will never refer to myself as one. Yes, I agree with some of the issues addressed, of course I do. But some I don’t. Others I’m not even sure what the issue is. You ask five different self-proclaimed feminists what it means and you’ll get five different answers.  The truth is that I’m usually indifferent to these “movements” because you must understand the root to fully recognize the fruit that it is designed to produce.

While I know, this isn’t the only subject addressed it’s a constant topic of discussion and one I have had on several occasions.  I’d be a liar if I said that I do not feel as if the home is the primary focus of a woman who chooses to have a family. I wholeheartedly feel that way! Shame on me I guess. This is not to say we should not strive for professional greatness. Go get what you want! It is not to say that I do not realize there is inequality in corporate America that women face. Most importantly let’s be clear, that my position on the matter is NOT saying I feel women should not work. Why would I feel that way in the first place coming from a single parent home? My point is, what good am I as a chief executive, fighting for a spot at the board room table if the demands of my position require me to have a nanny or some other form of childcare that spends more time with my family than I do. That just does not appeal to me and I hope it never does. Yet I’m not so far removed from the realities. Via the family group chat on those days I find myself at work until 8pm, I’ll send a text saying something like

“So, which one of y’all gonna be picking my baby up from daycare on these days if necessary?”

Don’t get me wrong I realize some circumstances call for long periods of separation between a mother and her family due to her working 2 and 3 jobs or going to school but those are “seasons” not desired choices for long term. It’s sad but in these types of discussions I’ve had to intentionally clarify that because the feminist of the year would come for me saying I’m stuck in the 30’s or something …LOL! It’s almost as if you’re either team feminist, pump your fist in the air, compete with every man you see yelling “anything you can do I can do and better” or you’re against all women. Or you don’t care about what’s happening. That couldn’t be further from the truth.  I speak from this side of the coin from experience. First thing you should know about me is that I am all for the beautiful design of womanhood. What I’ve learned is that this is where the conversation must begin with me. It is my root.

My view of womanhood may not be the same as the next woman. So, if we’re going to march for the rights of ALL women how about easing up on those who may not hold the same position as you and is quite alright in her indifference towards having to be labeled a feminist during this age in order to be politically correct. Furthermore, would prefer not to be.  This doesn’t make her your enemy in the fight for women’s rights and equality. 

Nevertheless, I loved seeing all the women come together this past weekend across the nation voicing themselves during the women’s march protests. It was inspiring to see all the courage!! I am all about courage. Besides, it’s what I saw daily as she got dressed, drank her coke, put on her red lipstick and stockings, with Anita Baker filling the air.

Keep being strong and courageous beautiful women no matter your position.

BB